Eddie: Timmy, are those things hard to use?
Tim: No, not anymore. Point and shoot, pretty much. Put her on "auto." Push your lens cap aside. You start shooting. [Eddie waves] Why does everybody wave at these things? [Harry waves] It's perfect on your birthdays, holidays, all of our vacations. My favorite thing is oddly misshapen butt cracks. Look at that. Zoom in. Yo!
Al: Tim. Would you turn that thing off?

Harry: So that library thing was pretty bad, huh?
Tim: Let's put it this way. Jill's speech was so boring, I had to check my pulse to see if I was still alive.
Al: Harry, he's exaggerating. Jill is a very fine speaker.
Tim: Yeah, generally she is, but she started quoting some poetry... it was blanket and pillow time.
Harry: Hey, you wanna talk sleep - my wife starts going on about her antique button collection? I'm in a coma.
Eddie: Hey, forget coma. Last night, my wife starts talking about decorating.
Tim: Oh, boy.
Eddie: I was clinically dead for three minutes.
Tim: Clear!
Eddie: I'm telling you, I'm not kidding. There she is, yakking about new fabrics for the sunroom. I didn't know what the old fabrics looked like. I didn't even know we had a sunroom.

Jill: [on tape] To quote my favorite poet. Elizabeth Barrett Browning "Books, books, books. I had found the secret of a garret-room Piled high with cases in my father's name. Piled high, packed large - where creeping in and out Among the giant fossils of my past In heats of terror, haste, victorious joy. The first book first And how I felt it beat Under my pillow in the morning's dark. An hour before the sun would let me read! My books!"
Ilene: You were wonderful.
Al: That was great. I love Elizabeth Barrett Browning. "If thou must love me, let it be for love's sake only."
Tim: Put a socketh in it, Aleth.

Jill: Well, this is very illuminating. "So boring"?
Tim: That's not what I said. I said "sobering."
Al: We'll just let ourselves out.
Tim: No. We gotta see that tape on the wisdom teeth.
Al: We'll leave it with you, OK?
Tim: How about coffee? We gotta have coffee. I'll make that cappuccino stuff. I'll make a pie. Why don't stay the night?

Tim: Well, I suppose you wanna talk about this?
Jill: Oh, no. I wouldn't wanna bore you.
Tim: That's all right. Go ahead. [off Jill's look] I mean, I wanna hear what you have to say about it.
Jill: Well, I've already heard what you have to say.
Tim: Come on, I was in a hardware store with a bunch of guys.
Jill: Is this how you really feel about me?
Tim: No, it's just what I say about you. It's a hardware store. It's an inner sanctum for guys. We guys say whatever we wanna say.
Jill: Oh, I see, just because it's a hardware store, you don't have to account for what you say?
Tim: Yes. No. You're blowing this all out of proportion.

Tim: Let me explain something to you guys. There's a lot of things that can be said in the privacy of a hardware store that cannot be said in public places like your home.
Randy: So what you're saying is you can make fun of Mom, but not when she's around.
Tim: No, that's not what I'm saying.
Brad: Then what are you saying?
Tim: It's disrespectful to say anything about other people when they're not around. Especially if a camera is rolling.

Jill: Look. What you said about my speech was humiliating, but what really got to me was the way you put me down for talking about my psychology classes.
Tim: I didn't mean that.
Jill: Tim, come on. Do you think I don't notice the way your eyes glaze over every time I try to talk to you about it? I know that you think it's gobbledegook, but I love it, you know. I'm working really hard. I'm juggling my life around so I can make this thing happen. And when you demean it, it's just... it hurts me. [walks away]
Tim: So-So who-who's gonna make dinner?