Tim: It's a joke. it's a little joke. She knows it. End of story, OK?
Mark: Well, why isn't she talking to you?
Tim: You know, you're starting to act a lot like Brad and Randy here.
Mark: Thanks.

Jill: Tim, I need this book.
Tim: In a minute. I'm reading something here about my souped-up ego.
Jill: That's "superego." Why are you reading my book?
Tim: I wanna find out why this is so interesting to you.
Jill: Because you want to or because you feel guilty?
Tim: According to chapter two, a little of both.
Jill: You read two chapters?
Tim: Yes. And the chapter on animal sexuality's quite interesting.
Jill: You really think so?
Tim: Yeah. I'm not saying a few pictures wouldn't help the process.
Jill: Well, if you think that's interesting, wait till the chapter on aberrant female sexuality.
Tim: Read it. Actually started with that chapter first.

Jill: What happened that ice cream scooper that I bought you?
Brad: It didn't work right. Dad's trying to fix it.
Tim: Dad did fix it.
Jill: Oh, great.
Tim: I took the 35-watt element out and replaced it with one out of an electric curling iron.
Jill: Tim, we don't have time for this. We have to go.
Tim: Now you not only melt the ice cream, you can style at the same time. Just flip her on. Watch this baby go right through this stuff. Look at that. Hey. Milkshake, anybody?

Eddie: Whoa, Al. Cut me in for half and I won't tell Harry.
Al: [snorts] I'm not robbing the store. Haven't you heard? I'm part owner.
Harry: Yeah. A very small part. You see that corner over there? That's what you own. Eddie, how you doing?
Eddie: I'm fine, Harry. How are you?
Al: You know, it's great that we feel comfortable enough to joke with each other. Right, froggy voice?
Harry: Right, Al.
Al: [growly] Right, Harry.

Tim: Hi. Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Cool Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant, the King, Al-vis.
Al: [as Elvis] Thank you. Thank you very much. Today, we're gonna have a rocking good time, because we're gonna be building ourselves a rocking chair.
Tim: This is the last theme show we're gonna do.
Al: Thank you. Thank you very much. A rocking...

Al: Well, yesterday, if you remember, we bent the wood for the frame of our chair by putting it in this steamer box. The steam made the wood pliable and easy to shape.
Tim: Speaking of steam, I wanna let off some.
Al: Tim.
Tim: Al. Why don't women understand that men need a place to be men? To get together with other men and discuss manly things. Right, men?
Audience: Yeah.
Tim: All kinds of men stuff, you know - from V-8 engines to smelly feet, to what annoys us most about our wives. [grunts] Hey, you, where do you go to nag about the little lady?
Man #1: Divorce court.
Tim: Moving along.
Tim: Now, you up there, sir. You, sir. Where were you the last time you were with a group of men letting off steam about women?
Man #2: Jackson State penitentiary.
Tim: Well, I'm glad we made this little journey.

Jill: Oh, no. What have you taped now? More pearls of wisdom from the hardware store?
Tim: No. Actually, I went back and looked at the tape. There's a second part of the conversation you never even saw. You should take a look at it.
Jill: I don't think so. I've seen enough.
Tim: No, really. Come over here and take a look at this.
Tim: [on tape] You know, Harry, on second thought, I really did enjoy my wife's speech.
Jill: You took this five minutes later?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: You're wearing different clothes.
Tim: Men in hardware stores change frequently.

Brad: Man, this ice cream really is frozen.
Mark: How long is it gonna take before we get to eat it?
Randy: Well, I'm guessing about 12 more spoons.

Randy: Hey, don't worry, Mom. You're gonna do great.
Jill: Oh, thank you. I'm so nervous about this library opening. I have never spoken in front of so many people before.
Brad: Oh, you have nothing to worry about. And, by the way, did we mention that you look awesome?
Jill: Why do you have your hands behind your backs?
Randy: Just a little change of pace from keeping 'em in front, you know.
Brad: Uh, yeah. You oughta try it, it's a lot of fun.
Jill: Yeah, let's see 'em. Both of 'em. You're so pathetic. Oh, guys. How many times have I told you not to break the spoons in the ice cream?

Tim: Jill had a speech at the library. I told her I'd tape it.
Al: You taped that? Great, 'cause Ilene really wanted to see it.
Eddie: Is she the orthodontist you're seeing?
Al: That she is. Hey, maybe one night this week, Ilene and I could come and watch Jill's speech. We'll show you the tape of Ilene speaking at the wisdom tooth symposium.
Tim: Or I could just put my head in a vise.