Al: Kelly Barnes, from Detroit Today.
Tim: The news/magazine show?
Al: Right. You know, her show on fabric softeners changed my life. It turns out that Light 'N' Fluffy was responsible for my chafing problem. I had this really scaly rash right here...
Tim: Al, Al, I just ate lunch.

Kelly: Hi, Tim? I'm Kelly Barnes, Detroit Today. Channel 10.
Tim: Hi, Kelly Barnes. Tim Taylor, Tool Time. What are we? Channel 123 now, I think.

Al: Al Borland. Pleasure to meet you.
Kelly: You too.
Al: I stopped chafing because of you.
Kelly: Just now?
Al: No.
Tim: Al? Got something to do?
Al: Yeah. Yeah. [runs off]

Kelly: Hey! You know, that looks just like the old jack plane my dad used to use. They started making these in the 18th century.
Tim: That's right. You know your tools, huh?
Kelly: You know what would make a great Tool Time? An entire show about hand tools.
Tim: I love that idea.
Kelly: You know, I've always been fascinated by that whole man/tool/gestalt thing.
Tim: Yeah, me too. [mouths] Gestalt?
Kelly: Do you feel that when you use a hand tool, that it's like an extension of your own body?
Tim: I do now.

Tim: Honey, how are you feeling?
Jill: Lousy. My head feels like a lead balloon...
Tim: That's too bad. I'll tell you, the good news is I feel great. Big week at Tool Time.
Brad: Yeah, what's going on?
Tim: We're gonna do a show on hand tools, which, by the way, are not just hand tools. They're an extension of my body.
Jill: Tim, I think you and your tools are seeing too much of each other.

Tim: Well, Detroit Today doesn't think so. They're going to doing a whole profile on me.
Brad: Detroit Today? Isn't that that show with Kelly Barnes?
Tim: Yeah, she was at the studio today.
Brad: Man, she's fine! Does she look that awesome in person?
Tim: Oh-ho-ho! Nothing compared to your mother, of course.

Al: Well, we're gonna be building a mahogany chest like this one.
Tim: Starting out with a hand saw. When a man uses a hand saw instead of a power saw, he can see and feel the relationship between the saw and the wood. See it and feel it. See and feel. [Tim struggles to saw]
Al: I don't see anything happening.
Tim: Well, that's because mahogany is a very, very dense wood.
Al: Ah.
Tim: And the challenge with hand tools is you gotta stick with it. So, Al, please stick with it. While Al is sticking, I'd like to talk about the deeper meaning behind Tool Time What defines the soul of man? Stick with me while we plumb the depths of my own personal gestalt.
Al: Tim, the only thing these people want to see you plumb is a toilet.
Tim: Al, I think you misjudge my audience. I think they wanna go on this very manly journey with me. Right, guys? [a few guys stand up to leave] You guys, sit back down. Next segment, Heidi's doing a vibrating-sander demonstration.

Kelly: So, what are you gonna show me next?
Tim: Well, we can either go to my house and show you where "The Tool Man" takes off his belt. Or we can go by Harry's Hardware, where I bought the belt.
Kelly: Well, you know, we should do both. I want to know everything there is to know about you.
Tim: Yeah. OK, well... We might as well start at the beginning. When I was first born, I was a tool man... actually, a tool tot. You know my first two words?
Kelly: No.
Tim: Ooh, ooh.

Al: Did you see the way they were flirting?
Heidi: Al, they're just being friendly.
Al: Friendly? She was coming on to him. And he was coming unglued faster than... than the last thing he glued.
Heidi: She's not coming on to him.
Al: Oh, you just wouldn't understand. You're not a sexual creature like me.

Jill: By the way, I saw Tool Time today. Am I insane or did I hear Tim actually use the word "gestalt"?
Al: Well, he picked that up from me, 'cause I use that all the time. I can't stop using that word. Gestalt. Gestalt, gestalt!
Jill: He was showing off for that reporter, wasn't he?
Al: Reporter? No, no, no! He was showing off for me. And it's my fault, because I used that musk aftershave.