Jill: He is so pathetic. A beautiful woman strokes his ego, and he starts strutting around like he's God's gift to cable television.
Al: Well, I'm sure you have nothing to worry about.
Jill: I didn't say I was worried. Should I be worried?
Al: No, you shouldn't be worried. I'm not worried.
Jill: It's OK with me if he wants to go around acting like an idiot.
Al: Does it all the time.
Jill: Well, as long as he doesn't send out any signals that he's interested in her.
Al: No. Definitely not sending out signals. No. [chuckles] But if he was, which he's not, what kind of signals would those be?
Jill: Well, when Tim was first interested in me, he would do things like brush the hair out of my eyes and tuck it behind my ear. Or when he held the door open for me, he'd guide me through by gently touching the small of my back.
Al: You know, when I was first dating Ilene, I had some pretty smooth moves of my own.
Jill: Yeah?
Al: There was this one night at miniature golf, I gave her this kind of subtle come-hither look as we stood by the windmill.
Tim: [enters] I see the chafing's back, Al.

Kelly: All right. Here we are in the home of the Tool Man.
Tim: Let's take a look around. Here's my wife.
Kelly: Ah! Here's his lovely wife Jill.
Jill: [covers her face with her blanket] God, Tim! You didn't tell me they were coming tonight! I look awful!
Tim: Oh, you look great... except for that crusty stuff around your nose.

Kelly: Hi, Al. Nice to see you. I didn't know you and Tim were friends outside of the show.
Al: Yes, we are. I'm also extremely fond of Tim's beloved wife Jill. I just stopped by to lend her my cowboy vaporizer.
Tim: It's a great companion piece to his Howdy Doody heating pad.
Kelly: [laughs] Oh, I love men who are funny.
Tim: I love being funny.

Jill: So, are you finally done?
Camera Man: Well, I am, but there's no telling when those two will be done.
Tim: [o.s.] Wait a minute. What do you think of this one?
Kelly: [o.s.] Oh, that's the biggest one I've ever seen.

Jill: You and Kelly, you're flirting! I mean, you... you... you brushed your hand against the small of her back!
Tim: Oh, my God! Not the small of her back!
Jill: Tim, you are crossing the line.
Tim: By touching the small of her back?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: You might have a point if I was touching, like, the big of her front.

Jill: You're acting like a hormone-crazed teenager.
Tim: You're getting all worked up over nothing. We're two professionals just doing a job. For Pete's sake, honey. She's not even my type. That voluptuous look that drives most men crazy - that type does nothing for me.
Jill: But you did manage to notice.
Tim: Well, I'm an observant guy.
Jill: OK. What was I wearing before you went in the garage?
Tim: You changed?

Wilson: So, where's Tim?
Jill: Well, he's with a little hot toddy of his own.
Wilson: Ohh, that voluptuous young lady that's been following him around. That type does nothing for me.
Jill: Well, she keeps telling him how great he is and he's turning into Tim "the Drool Man."
Wilson: Well, Jill, as the French say, there is nothing so silly as the expression of a man who is being complimented by a woman.
Jill: Well, what do they say when the compliments turn into something serious?
Wilson: I believe that term would be "ooh-la-la!"

Tim: So, you're good at pool?
Kelly: Oh, I'm good at a lot of things.
Tim: You're good with balls. [nervous chuckle]
Kelly: Tim, you're blushing.
Tim: No, I'm not. No. That's, uh... That's the Big Stinkies. l... Whew! I shouldn't eat those. The sauerkraut... I'm allergic to sauerkraut. It makes the blood rush really quickly to my... face.

Tim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Kelly, I think you got the wrong idea here.
Kelly: Wait. I thought this was your idea.
Tim: Well, then I have the wrong idea.
Kelly: Wait, I don't understand, Tim. I mean, from the way things were going, I mean, I thought we'd end up back at my place and you'd be licking champagne off my toes.
Tim: Whoa! Oh, boy! If I would be licking champagne off anybody's toes, it would be my wife's. And that'd have to be some pretty strong champagne.

Kelly: You know, Tim, you were sending out some pretty clear signals.
Tim: You know, if I was, I shouldn't have been. Um... I'm the type of guy, like on Tool Time, I tend to get carried away. I'm always pushing that line. But that's on Tool Time, and this isn't Tool Time. And the truth is I really, really love my wife.
Kelly: OK. Why don't we just get going? We'll finish the interview at your house tomorrow.
Tim: Perfect. Perfect. Yeah, all right. All right. So, I'll give you a lift home?
Kelly: Actually, you know, why don't I just catch a cab, Tim?
Tim: Kelly? Two adults? It's OK. I can give you a lift home. Promise, no more signals... unless I'm changing lanes.