Rory: Do you love it?
Jess: It's great.
Rory: The Holy Barbarians. I mean, what a title. And it's by a Venice Beach beatnik about Venice Beach beatniks, and to top it off, the beatnik who wrote it is the father of the guy that does those Actor's Studio interviews on TV.
Jess: The guy with the beard?
Rory: Yeah, the pointy beard. That's his dad writing at his desk.
Jess: Oh, it's weird that a weird beatnik-y guy would have a conservative son like that.
Rory: Maybe he's not that conservative. Maybe at night he, like, takes off his clothes and parties.
Jess: Aw, man, now get that picture out of my head.

Jess: Does she know what I look like?
Rory: I don't think so.
Jess: Perfect. Find someone who vaguely resembles me. Take him. Just don't kiss him goodnight.
Rory: That's not going to work.
Jess: Andy Warhol did it all the time.

Miss Patty: Okay, here we go. Hey, did you know that I once met the great Bette Davis? I was a chorus girl in a bus-and-truck tour of Guys and Dolls. Beantown, I love that town. And there I was, me and the girls backstage after the show, and in she comes. And who does she walk right up to, but little old me. And she sized me up, exhaled some smoke from that regal mouth of hers, and said, "Doll, you don't got the high notes but you sure got the gams." I'll always treasure that moment with Bette and I wanna dedicate this song to her. Ethel, key of D.

Lorelai: Are you sure it would be so bad if they knew? I mean, keeping this a secret seems awfully complicated.
Lane: Not really, we've got a system.
Dave: Speaking of which, it's 3:18. We'll have the stuff packed by 3:40, what's the situation?
Lane: At 3:40, my mom will be on her way to the yarn store for her bimonthly sew-a-thon with Lacey Schwartz and Bick Ho.
Dave: The yarn store's on Peach.
Lane: Plum.
Dave: That cuts us off from our usually route to the interstate.
Lane: There's a back road that circles around it, but it's gonna be muddy from the rains.
Dave: How about I have the guys take the usual route, I'll go by foot on Peach, down the alley behind Al's, over the fence, and they can pick me up a half a mile down by the Shell station.
Lane: Perfect. [to Lorelai] Uh, what, that's not complicated.

Luke: Look, you're my responsibility. You're exhibiting signs of violent behavior and I don't care how much you don't wanna talk about it, you're not leaving until you tell me. Now, tell me, where'd you get the black eye?
Jess: You wouldn't believe it anyway.
Luke: Try me, tough guy.
Jess: A swan.
Luke: Excuse me?
Jess: I was attacked by a swan. Okay, you happy? A stupid swan.
Luke: [clears throat] Now, how 'bout the real story?
Jess: That is the real story. It hangs out by Larson's Dock. I was just walking by and the thing came out of nowhere and bam, beaked me right in the eye.
Luke: It beaked you?
Jess: You still don't believe me.
Luke: I just never heard anyone use the word beaked as a verb before. [chuckles]
Jess: No, no, this isn't funny. That stupid bird attacked me. He could've blinded me. It's a vicious, vicious bird, and... fine. Forget it.

Lorelai: I came up for a book.
Rory: A book?
Lorelai: Yeah.
Jess: Got a lot of books here. Anything in particular?
Rory: It's one of Luke's.
Jess: Well, if it doesn't have Encyclopedia Brown in the title, that narrows it down a lot.

Rory: Is it why you were late?
Jess: No, 84 was jammed.
Emily: We knew that, too. There was something with a big rig. Oh, those things, they scare the life out of me. And apparently, all the men who drive them are hopped up on bennies and goofballs.

Miss Patty: Okay, now, for those who just arrived, I'm trying out some material for my one-woman show and I need some feedback. You are my randomly picked audience.
Dean: Randomly shang-hai'ed.
Miss Patty: It's part stories, part songs. Kind of like what Elaine Stritch did on Broadway, but without the bitterness. My working title: Buckle Up, I'm Patty.

Rory: [on the phone] Jess and I got into the most horrible fight of my life and it was... Ugh, I can't even say.
Lorelai: I don't believe this.
Rory: He showed up with a big black eye.
Lorelai: A black guy?!
Rory: Eye. A black eye!

Rory: Dean, this whole friend thing with us isn't going to work if we're not honest with each other.
Dean: I agree.
Rory: Okay, so, anything you wanna tell me?
Dean: Corn's two for a dollar?
Rory: Jess has a black eye.
Dean: Oh, yeah?
Rory: Any idea where he got it?
Dean: That would be an extremely long list.
Rory: It wasn't you?
Dean: It wasn't me.