Dean: I gotta place an order.
Jess: Talk into the clown.
Dean: I am.

Emily: Well, your father calls every night at nine o'clock and we talk.
Lorelai: So, you spend fifteen minutes talking to Dad and then you hang up the phone and you... what? Watch television?
Emily: I don't watch that much television. I don't find forensic work quite as fascinating as the rest of the world.
Lorelai: But you have cable, right? I mean, you could watch movies.
Emily: Yes, but I never know where the maid puts that guide they send you, so I always wind up turning it on after a movie has already started and I don't like to come in on the middle of things.
Lorelai: But you could tape the movies, or get a DVD player.
Emily: I don't need a DVD player.
Lorelai: Well, why not? Then you could buy all those musicals you love and watch them whenever you felt like it.
Emily: I'm not an invalid, Lorelai.

Jess: Give me your order and get out.
Dean: Service with a smile. Six burgers, three cheese two cheddar, one Swiss. Two plain burgers, one chili burger with cheese and onions on the side. Three ham on ryes one mayo, one mustard, one combo. A combo means mustard and...
Jess: I know what a combo means.
Dean: Sorry, guess that confused look is just how your face is.

Emily: "Europe Through the Backdoor." "The Rough Guide to Europe." What kind of guidebooks are these?
Lorelai: The cheap kind.
Rory: They have all the good information about backpacking and staying in hostels.
Emily: Backpacking and staying in hostels?
Richard: Who's backpacking and staying in hostels?
Lorelai: We are. [Richard and Emily laugh]
Emily: No, you're not.
Richard: What a ridiculous thought.
Rory: We are. We're going to backpack around Europe.
Emily: Yes, I know, it's fun to tease your grandmother, dear. They're going to backpack across Europe, Richard.
Richard: I heard, sounds delightful. Perhaps we should join them.
Emily: That sounds wonderful. Tomorrow I'll go out and buy some cutoffs. [Richard chuckles]

Rory: Grandma, it's going to be fun, really.
Lorelai: Kids do this all the time.
Emily: Yes, but you're not a kid, you're a grown woman. What are people going to think when they see a grown woman bunking down with a bunch of twenty-year-olds?
Lorelai: Well, if the twenty-year-olds are cute, they'll probably think, "Lucky!"
Rory: Grandma, don't be upset. It really is going to be great.
Emily: "What's so traumatic about a night without a bed anyway? My survey shows those who have had the opportunity to be a refugee for a night have their perspectives broaden and actually enjoy the experience." Richard, this book is encouraging them to sleep in a park like a squirrel.
Lorelai: It's okay, Mom.
Emily: My first trip to Europe, I went to Paris and stayed at the Ritz.
Lorelai: Well, I tell you what, if it'll make you happy, we'll go to Paris and eat out of their dumpster.

Miss Patty: Dean-o, Dean-o, Dean-o. If you grow any taller, I'm gonna have to get myself some mountain climbing equipment.
Dean: You're getting dangerous to even walk near, you know that, Patty.
Miss Patty: I've been told.
Dean: You looking for Mr. Doose?
Miss Patty: Oh, precious, no. I'm just looking.
Dean: [sees the contractors] Ah. Okay. Well, enjoy.
Miss Patty: Oh, I always do.

Luke: Every single description in here talks about tablecloths and dish design, nothing about the food.
Jess: You are really going through an awful lot for this lawyer.
Luke: She's not a lawyer. I mean, yes, she's a lawyer, but she's also a lady, and a very nice lady who probably expects good food with her fancy plates and sparse yet elegant décor.
Jess: You're pathetic when you're in love.
Luke: I'm not in love, I'm dating. This is what you do when you're dating.
Jess: It's not what I do when I'm dating.
Luke: Rory's a lucky girl. Work. I'm going upstairs.
Jess: Fine, but if a horse-drawn carriage shows up here, my throwing up will be eternal.

Dean: Four hot dogs. Two egg salads on white. One chicken salad on wheat. A chef's salad with ranch. Five fries. Five onion rings. Two chips. Extra pickles.
Jess: On what?
Dean: Excuse me?
Jess: What are the extra pickles on?
Dean: On the side.
Jess: On the side of what? On the side of the burgers, on the side of the sandwiches, or on the side of the road where the ditch I'm gonna dump your body into is?

Lane: He's worse than my mother at the Glory of Easter T-shirt stand.

Lorelai: "Girls, here are some travel books I stumbled across in your father's study. I thought they could help in the planning of your European adventure." She's insane.
Rory: We have travel books.
Lorelai: No, sweetie, these aren't our kind of travel books. These are Paris and Nicky Hilton's kind of travel books.