Lorelai: [on the phone] Mom, hi, listen. Rory kind of explained what happened last night, and how you were really great about it. I just wanted to thank you. I mean, I don't know all the details, but I'm sure it all could've been way worse, and you keeping your cool like that was really, really nice. Thanks.
Emily: How can you let your daughter be with that abominable thug?
Lorelai: Mom...
Emily: First he arrives late, how disrespectful is that? Then he's rude to Rory, rude to me.
Lorelai: Mom...
Emily: Oh, and that attitude, I wanted to slap that monosyllabic mouth of his. And God forbid they're in another accident together or his heap of a car breaks down and Lord Jim has decided cell phones are beneath him and they're stranded in the middle of nowhere. How can you let this happen? He had a black eye. He belongs in jail!

Luke: Whoa.
Jess: What?
Luke: You're Petey the dog.
Jess: I prefer to not talk about this.

Luke: When did it happen, yesterday?
Jess: Yes.
Luke: You went to Rory's grandmother yesterday. She punch you?
Jess: Stop.
Luke: Where'd you get it?
Jess: Santa Claus.

Luke: What are you doing? Where are you going?
Jess: I'm gonna do a little beaking of my own.
Luke: Jess, not the ladle. That's a brand new ladle. Take the baster!

Luke: When you date a girl like Rory, you're involved with her whole family. Just like that last girl you dated, you were involved with her whole petri dish.
Jess: At least she was easy to figure out.
Luke: And you were bored from day one.
Jess: I'm dating Rory, not her family.
Luke: All these people come in a package with this girl. The mother comes with this girl. The grandmother comes with this girl.
Jess: And apparently a bunch of others. Everybody she's ever met, including Dean.
Luke: She picked you.
Jess: God knows why.
Luke: She knows, that's all that matters. Jess, being jealous of Dean...
Jess: I am not jealous of Dean.
Luke: Being jealous of Dean is pointless. You're just gonna drive Rory away. You wanna have a relationship with someone, you're gonna have to learn to open up your mouth and say something.
Jess: Give it a rest, Dr. Phil.

Luke: So you want me to get under water, swim along with the boat, breathe through a straw?
Jess: Forget it.
Luke: Maybe it's gonna get another swan and come back and make a fight of it, huh?
Jess: Forget it.

Rory: So, I know there was no fight with Dean.
Jess: Really? How? [off Rory's look] You asked Dean.
Rory: It was the only thing I could think to do.
Jess: To go to the source.
Rory: Yup. I'm sorry I doubted you.
Jess: It's okay. I would've doubted me, too.
Rory: I need to trust you as much as I trusted...
Jess: Him. This black eye screwed everything up.
Rory: Yeah.
Jess: Next time I go to your grandmother's, I'll try not to have one.
Rory: Next time?
Jess: Next time. [they kiss]

Jess: Okay, I'll tell you the truth, since we're both so into the truth tonight. That's what good relationships are about, right?
Rory: Right.
Jess: But you've gotta promise not to mock me ever, and please don't tell anyone else.
Rory: Promise.
Jess: I was throwing a football with a buddy and got hit in the eye.
Rory: You poor thing.
Jess: Yeah.
Rory: But that's not embarrassing.
Jess: Yeah, now that you mention it, it's not.