Ross: I'm gonna be a father.
Monica: This is just occurring to you?
Ross: I always knew I was having a baby. I just never realized the baby was having me.
Rachel: Oh, you're gonna be great.
Ross: How could you say that? I can't even get Marcel to stop eating the bathmat.
How am I gonna raise a kid?
Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that monkeys and babies are actually different.

Chandler: Well, I ended up telling her everything.
Rachel: Oh, how'd she take it?
Chandler: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. Little tip. If you're ever in a similar situation never, ever leave your hand on the desk.

Nina: You wanted to see me?
Chandler: Ah, yes, I was just going over your data here. And a little thing, you've been postdating your Friday numbers.
Nina: Which is bad, because?
Chandler: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack.
Nina: Excuse me?
Chandler: WENUS. Weekly Estimated-
Nina: Oh, Net Usage Statistics. Right. Gotcha, gotcha. Won't happen again. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt your WENUS.

Susan: Look, I don't see why I have to miss out on the coaching training because I'm a woman.
Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do?
Susan: I'll flip you for it.
Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no. Heads, heads, heads!
Susan: [laughs] On your back, Mom!

Chandler: Excuse me.
Joey: Hello, miss.
Chandler: It's Phoebe.
Chandler: Hi.
Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all?
Chandler: Wait, wait. What are you doing here?
Ursula: Yeah, I was over there then you said, "Excuse me, hello miss." So now I'm here.
Joey: No, no. How come you're working here?
Ursula: Right, yeah. Because it's close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.
Chandler: Can we start over?
Ursula: Yeah, okay, great. I'm gonna be over here.
Chandler: No, no.

Rachel: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday?
Phoebe: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.
Rachel: Okay, let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree & Evelyn?
Phoebe: Ooh, bath salts would be nice!

Joey: Hey, Pheebs. Guess who we saw today?
Phoebe: Oh, fun! Liam Neeson.
Joey: No.
Phoebe: Morley Safer.
Joey: No.
Phoebe: The woman who cuts my hair!
Monica: Okay, this could be a really long game.

Chandler: Your sister, Ursula.
Phoebe: Oh, really?
Chandler: Yeah. She works over at that place-
Phoebe: Riff's. Yeah, I know.
Chandler: Oh, you do? Because she said you guys haven't talked in like years.
Phoebe: Mmm, yeah. So, um, is she fat?
Joey: Not from where I was standing.
Phoebe: Where were you standing?

Rachel: So is this just gonna be you and Carol?
Ross: No, Susan's going to be there, too. We've got dads, we've got lesbians. The whole parenting team.

Ross: Uh, hi, I'm Ross Geller. And that's, that's my boy in there. And this is Carol Willick, and this is Susan Bunch. Susan is Carol's- Who's next?
Lamaze Teacher: I'm sorry I didn't get it, Susan is?
Ross: Susan is Carol's friend.
Carol: Life partner.
Ross: Like buddies.
Susan: Like lovers.
Ross: You know how close women can get.
Carol: Susan and I live together.
Ross: Although I was married to her.
Susan: Carol, not me.
Carol: It's a little complicated.
Ross: A little.
Susan: But we're fine.
Ross: Absolutely. [to another couple] So, twins! That's like two births. Ouch.