Carol: It's impossible. It's just impossible.
Susan: What is, honey?
Carol: What that woman did. I am not doing that! It's just going to have to stay in, that's all. Everything will be the same. It'll just stay in.
Ross: Carol, honey. Everything's going to be all right.
Carol: Oh, what do you know? No one's going up to you saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?!"

Mr. Douglas: She's still here.
Chandler: Yes. Yes, she is. Didn't I memo you? After I let her go, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen- Dr. Flanan-, Dr. Flan. And he informed me that she took the news rather badly. In fact, he mentioned the word "frenzy".
Mr. Douglas: You're kidding, she seems so-
Chandler: Oh, no, no. Nina? She is [makes crazy noises]. In fact, if you asked her right now she would have no recollection of being fired at all. None at all.
Mr. Douglas: That's unbelievable.
Chandler: And yet believable. So I decided not to fire her again until I'm sure she will be of no threat to herself or others.
Mr. Douglas: I see. I guess you never really know what's going on inside a person's head.
Chandler: Well, I guess that's why they call it psychology, sir.

Chandler: This is unbelievable! It's been half an hour. If this was a cartoon, you'd be looking like a ham about now.

Ross: I don't know if he's testing me or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. He keeps erasing the messages on my machine. Supposedly by accident.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, I've done that.
Ross: And three days in a row, he got to the newspaper before I did and peed all over the crossword.
Rachel: I've never done that.

Chandler: All, right now look at her and tell me she doesn't look exactly like her sister.
Joey: I'm saying I see a difference.
Chandler: They're twins.
Joey: I don't care. Phoebe's Phoebe. Ursula's hot.
Chandler: You know that thing when you and I talk to each other about things? Let's not do that anymore.

Rachel: Pheebs, so you guys just don't get along?
Phoebe: It's mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know? Everyone always thought of her as the pretty one. Oh, she was the first to walk, even though I did it later that same day. To my parents, by then it was, "Yeah, what else is new?"

Ross: I'm sorry, Pheebs. I've gotta go. I've got Lamaze class.
Chandler: Oh, and I've got earth science, but I'll catch you in gym?

Chandler: Mr. D! How's it going, sir?
Mr. Douglas: It's been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in. It's pretty ugly. We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the '70s.
Chandler: So what does this mean?
Mr. Douglas: Well, we're going to laying off people in every department.
Chandler: Listen, I know I came in late last week, but I slept funny and my hair was snarly.
Mr. Douglas: Not you. Relax. Ever have to fire anyone?

Chandler: I'm just trying to find the right moment.
Rachel: Well, that shouldn't be so hard, now that you're dating. "Sweetheart, you're fired. But how about a quickie before I go to work?"

Rachel: Are you seeing her again tonight?
Joey: Yep, Ice Capades.
Chandler: Wow, this is serious. I've never known you to pay money for any kind of "capade".