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‘The One with the Bullies’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Bullies

221. The One with the Bullies

Aired April 25, 1996

Chandler and Ross are bullied by two guys at the coffeehouse. Meanwhile, Monica starts investing in the stock market, and Phoebe decides to visit her birth father.

Quote from Joey

Monica: I want to buy five shares of SGJ and I wanna buy them now. Come on, time is money, my friend. Thank you. Whoo!
Rachel: "Time is money, my friend?"
Joey: Yeah, you missed "Takes money to make money" and "Don't make me come down there and kick your Wall Street butt."

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Quote from Joey

Joey: It's a woman.
Phoebe: So talk to her.
Joey: [in deep voice] Hello, Mrs. Buffay. I know where your dog is. I want you to know he'll be returned to you, almost as good as new, within 24 hours. Goodbye.
Rachel: Why the voice?
Joey: [in deep voice] Hard to say.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: How did you make $17?
Monica: Well, my financially challenged friends I split my money and I bought some shares of CHP and ZXY.
Joey: How come those?
Monica: Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Erik Estrada. And ZXY because I think it sounds "zexy."
Rachel: What happened to MEG?
Monica: MEG was good for me, but I dumped her. My motto is, "Get out before they go down."
Joey: That is so not my motto.

Quote from Monica

Joey: Hey, Monica, why are we watching the Business Channel?
Monica: Because I was going by it the other day and I saw there was a stock with my initials, MEG, on it. Sometimes you have to watch for two or three hours before it comes up again, but when it does, it's exciting.
Rachel: Okay, honey, you really need a job.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Dad says he knows someone you can call for an interview.
Phoebe: Okay, right there. That's the third sign today. Right there.
Ross: On behalf of everyone, I'd just like to say, "Huh?"
Phoebe: No, because you just said "dad." And everywhere I go today I keep getting signs telling me to go see my father. Like when I was walking over here and I passed a buffet, which is my father's last name. And they were serving franks which is his first name minus the "s" at the end. And there was a rotisserie with a spinning chicken.
Monica: His lndian name?
Phoebe: No. Because I chickened out the last time when I tried to meet him. So coincidences? I don't think so.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Who wants the last hamburger?
Phoebe: Okay, that's it. Now I have to go see him.
Monica: Why?
Phoebe: Hamburger? McDonald's? Old McDonald had a farm. My dad is a pharmacist.
Chandler: And E-I-E-I-O is what your mom said when your dad left her.
Phoebe: Yes!
Chandler: Really?
Phoebe: No.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Man, I am so beat. You wanna forget racquetball and just hang out?
Ross: Yeah, all right.
Carl: Hey, you're in our seats.
Ross: Oh. Sorry, we didn't know.
Arthur: Hey, we were sitting there.
Chandler: Okay. There is one more way to say it. Who knows it?
Arthur: Was that supposed to be funny?
Chandler: No, actually, I was just going for colorful.

Quote from Monica

Rachel: Hey, how'd the interview go?
Monica: It bit. It was a '50s theme restaurant. I'd have to cook in a costume and dance on the counter. I mean, I was a sous chef at Cafe des Artistes. How can I take a job where I have to make something called Laverne-and-Curly Fries?

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Well don't do it.
Monica: How can I not do it? I have $127 in the bank.
Joey: Monica, relax. Go get a beer.
Monica: I don't want a beer.
Joey: Who said it was for you?

Quote from Ross

[Chandler and Ross arrive at the apartment after being bullied]
Chandler and Ross: [sullenly] Hi.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Hey, I went up.
Rachel: What?
Monica: My stock, MEG, it went up two points. Do you realize that if I'd invested my $127 in myself yesterday that l'd, like, have a lot more than that today. You know what? I'm going to do it.
Joey: Do what?
Monica: Put all my money in me.
Rachel: Monica, what are you talking about? You don't know a thing about the stock market.
Monica: What's to know? Buy, sell. High, low. Bears, bulls.

Quote from Monica

Monica: [on the phone] Yes, Manhattan. Telephone number for the stock .. selling store.

Quote from Chandler

Carl: Isn't that the guy who used to wear your hat?
Arthur: And look where they're sitting.
Ross: You're joking, right? You guys just walked through the door.
Carl: Maybe we didn't make it clear enough. This couch belongs to us.
Chandler: All right, I'll tell you what, you call the couch and then we'll call the couch and we'll see who it comes to.
Carl: You know, I keep wondering why you two are still sitting here.
Ross: All right, that's it. I have had enough of this. All right. Gunther, these guys are trying to take our seat.
Gunther: Fellas, these guys were here first.
Carl: Oh, sorry, didn't realize.
Gunther: There you go.
Ross: Thank you, Gunther. We didn't want to have to go and do that.
Arthur: He told on us?
Carl: You told on us?
Ross: Well, pal, you didn't give me much of a choice.
Chandler: Don't play with his thing.
Ross: I know.
Carl: All right. Let's take this outside.
Ross: "Let's take this outside?" Who talks like that?
Carl: The guy who's about to kick your ass talks like that.
Chandler: You had to ask.
Ross: Yeah. Okay, okay, look. See the thing is, we're not gonna fight you guys.
Arthur: Well, then, here's the deal. You won't have to, so long as you never ever show your faces in this coffeehouse ever again.
Chandler: I think you played the Gunther card too soon.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: It's just I have like no family left. Well, except for my grandmother. But let's face it, she's not gonna be around forever. Despite what she says.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: But he did have to have a bunch of stitches. And he said that only once in a blue moon does a dog's ear grow back. So still hoping.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: I say you and I go and stand up to those guys.
Chandler: All right, hang on a second there, Custer.
Joey: Really, Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?
Ross: Yeah, sure.
Joey: By someone besides Monica?
Ross: No. So what? So what if we get beaten up. Maybe that's just something a man has to go through once in his life. Like a rite of passage or something.
Chandler: Well, couldn't we just lose our virginities again? You know, because I think actually mine's growing back.

Quote from Monica

Monica: I need to borrow $100.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Hi. Welcome home. I need to borrow $100.
Rachel: For what?
Monica: I need to get back in the game.
Rachel: Why? When did you get out?
Monica: Oh, I lost it all, okay. I lost it.
Rachel: Oh, no.
Monica: Hey, I've come to terms with it, you have to, too.
Rachel: Okay. Look, Mon, I'm really sorry.
Monica: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where are we on the $100?
Rachel: I don't have it.
Monica: But I need it! Otherwise, I'll have to take that diner job. You know, with the dancing and the costumes. I don't want to have to wear flame-retardant boobs.
Rachel: Nobody does, honey.

Quote from Phoebe

Mrs. Buffay: What are these, stitches?
Phoebe: Yeah, eight of them. That's 56 to him. [laughs] You know, if it's raining, you can't let him look up because that cone will fill up really fast.

Quote from Phoebe

Frank Buffay, Jr.: Hey, lady. Hey, wait up. How do you know my dad?
Phoebe: Well, I don't really. Just genetically. He's kind of my dad too.
Frank Buffay, Jr.: Heavy.
Phoebe: So did he ever talk about me? Phoebe?
Frank Buffay, Jr.: No, but he didn't really talk about anything. Except stilts.
Phoebe: Stilts?
Frank Buffay, Jr.: Yeah, he loved stilts. This one time, I was upstairs stealing cigarettes out of my mom's purse and all of a sudden I look over and there's Dad's head, bobbing past the window. He just had this big smile on his face and he was waving because he was happiest when he was on his stilts.
Phoebe: I don't know what to do with that.
Frank Buffay, Jr.: Me neither.

Quote from Phoebe

Frank Buffay, Jr.: So are you, like, my big sister? This is huge. You can buy me beer.
Phoebe: I'm not gonna. But you know what's cool, though? If you had a friend named Pete, I could say "Oh, yeah, I know Pete. He's friends with my brother."
Frank Buffay, Jr.: I got a friend named Mark.
Phoebe: That'll work too.

Quote from Phoebe

Frank Buffay, Jr.: So maybe, you know, I could give you a call sometime. We could talk or something.
Phoebe: Yeah, that'd be okay.
Frank Buffay, Jr.: All right.
Phoebe: I'm in the book. So stilts, huh?
Frank Buffay, Jr.: Yeah. Hey, if you want, I can take you round back and show you where he hit his head on the rain gutter.
Phoebe: Okay.

Quote from Ross

Ross: We did it. We're here. We are standing our ground. How long does a cup of coffee take?
Chandler: Would you come on? Come on!
[Ross and Chandler are given their cups of coffee]
Chandler: Thank you.
[They quickly add milk, sugar, and then down the drink]
Chandler: There we go.
Ross: I think we proved our point.
Chandler: You burn your mouth?
Ross: Cannot feel my tongue.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: God, that was amazing. That was incredible. You guys kicked butt!
Arthur: Us? What about you guys? You really gave it to old Mr. Clean back there. He was a big guy.
Ross: Yeah, he was, wasn't he?
Chandler: I wouldn't know, having missed everything.
Carl: Don't do that to yourself. Any one of us could have tripped over that little girl's jump rope.
Ross: So listen, guys are we okay here?
Arthur: We're okay.
Chandler: Okay. So can I have my hat back?
Arthur: No. Huh. [Chandler grabs the hat off Arthur's head, tries to run away, trips behind the couch]

Quote from Monica

Rachel: Look at her.
Chandler: Hi, Monica! How's it going?
Phoebe: Hey, nice boobs.
Chandler: Guys, guys. Check this out. [Chandler picks a song on the jukebox]
[Village People's YMCA starts playing. The wait staff climb on the counter and start dancing]
Rachel: Excellent.
[Chandler drops a load more quarters]

Quote from Chandler

Carl: What's with this guy?
Arthur: What's with you?
Ross: Nothing. Nothing's with him. Enjoy your coffee.
Chandler: What just happened?
Arthur: I just took your hat. See, I can be funny too. My joke is that I took your hat.
Chandler: That is funny. Can I have it back?
Arthur: No.
Chandler: No?
Arthur: No.
Ross: Okay. You know what? I think you're very funny. Kudos on that hat joke. [laughs] But come on, guys, just give him back the hat.
Carl: Why should we?
Ross: Because it's a special hat. See, he bought it because he was feeling really down one day. So he got the hat to cheer himself up, you know? Chandler-
Chandler: Stop talking. Stop talking now.


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