Rachel: You know what, honey? Guys are just different. They like things that we can't understand. You know, I once dated this guy who wanted to pretend that he was an archaeologist, and I was this naughty cavewoman who he unfroze from a block of ice.
Monica: Ew. Are you talking about my brother?
Rachel: Yeah, I didn't disguise that very well, did I?

Ross: You're so much better off. You just go from guy to guy having fun and not worrying that it never turns into anything serious.
Phoebe: I wouldn't say "never." You know, there is that guy. Okay, well, what about..? Okay, well's there's gotta be someone.
Ross: There isn't. That's what I'm saying.
Phoebe: Oh, my God, you're right.
Ross: I know. And yet, here you are, all ready for the next date.
Phoebe: I can't believe I never realized this before. I'm in my 30s, and I've never been in a long-term relationship. Oh, my God, what's wrong with me?
Ross: There's nothing wrong with you. I mean, you don't strike me as the type of person that wants to get married anyway.
Phoebe: I want to get married.
Ross: No, please- Please don't cry because of me. Pheebs, I don't know what I'm talking about, okay? I've been divorced three times.
Phoebe: Well, at least you've been married. Oh, my God. I want to trade lives with Ross?!

Joey: Look, I don't normally ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses.
Gunther: Pah.
Joey: Gesundheit. But-
Hayley: I would love to go out with you.
Joey: Really? Great. Did l- Did I actually ask you?
Hayley: Oh, that's just where you were going. I figured I'd help you out. You don't seem like the kind of guy who does this a lot?
Gunther: Pah!
Joey: Seriously, Gunther. You should see someone about that cold. If it gets much worse, you could die.

Joey: [inner monologue] So this is going pretty good. Dinner was nice. We've got a lot in common. Ooh, Victoria's Secret. We even like the same books. Ooh, there's a scary painting. Wait a minute. I think I've been scared by that painting before. You know what? This whole place looks familiar. I have definitely been in this apartment. I know I've seen this weird plant before. Ow! It did that the last time! Oh, my God. I've gone out with this girl before. Yeah. We had sex on this couch. And then on that chair, and- No. No, we didn't do it here, which is weird, because it seems like a perfectly good place. Ow! That's why.

Mike: Is that true what you said? Phoebe's never had a serious relationship?
Ross: Of course she has. If she's never had a serious relationship, do you think I'd go around broadcasting it like some kind of unstoppable moron?
Mike: But you did say it.
Ross: Yes. Yes, I did. And I will also say, what I'm about to say, vis-a-vis, the following. Phoebe has never had a serious relationship ... since ... her super-serious relationship with ... Vikram.
Mike: Vikram?
Ross: What? That's a real name.

Ross: Quick thing. I went to talk to Mike.
Phoebe: What? What did you-? What did you do, Ross?
Ross: Oh, boy. You got mad at that part. I went over there, you know, to tell him how- Oh, how great you are. But- Well, you know me. Blah-blah-blah. And I ended up telling him that-
Phoebe: What?
Ross: Um. You had a six-year-long relationship with a guy named Vikram.
Phoebe: What? Why?
Ross: Well, he seemed to bum hard when I told him that you'd never been in a serious relationship.
Phoebe: If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend, I swear to Lucifer a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!

Phoebe: And I said, "Okay, Vikram you can't just call every time you get lonely. You gave up that right when you slept with Rachel."
Mike: Wait. Rachel? I thought she just had a baby with Ross.
Phoebe: Yeah, well- Yeah. You know, but Emma's birth certificate might say "Geller" but her eyes say "Mukherjee."
Mike: That is so wrong. And on top of that, he's a glue sniffer?
Phoebe: I know. But he calls, and my heart goes to him. You know, that bastard is one smooth-talking freelance kite designer.

Monica: I just got to Chandler's room, and I caught him molesting himself.
Rachel: Ugh. That couldn't have been pretty. But you know, guys do that.
Monica: Yeah, well? The weird part is he was getting off to a shark-attack show.
Rachel: No.
Monica: Yes. Chandler watches shark porn!

Ross: [in an Indian accent] This is Vikram.

Mike: I'm trying to remember the last time I opened a door and you weren't there.