Phoebe: Do you think they have yesterday's Daily News?
Monica: Why?
Phoebe: I just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right.

Jay Leno: [on TV] Don't take this wrong, I just don't see you as a mom. I don't mean that in a bad-
Nora Bing: [on TV] Oh, no. I'm a fabulous mom. I bought my son his first condoms.
Chandler: And then he burst into flames.

Rachel: Mrs. Bing, I have got to tell you, I have read everything you've ever written. No, I mean it, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a writer.
Nora Bing: Oh, please, honey. Listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in 30 euphemisms for male genitalia and, bam, you have got yourself a book.
Chandler: My mother, Iadies and gentlemen.

Joey: Ross, how could you Iet this happen?
Ross: I don't know. It's not Iike she's a regular mom. She's sexy. She's-
Joey: You don't think my mom's sexy?
Ross: Well, not in the same way.
Joey: Hey. I'II have you know, GIoria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day. All right? You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?
Ross: Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here.

Chandler: Oh, my God.
Ross: You're my friend. I had to tell you.
Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?
Ross: Yeah, I mean, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink. I mean, you know how he gets- I can't do this. I did it. It was me. I'm sorry. I kissed your mom.
Chandler: What?
Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora - Mrs.
Mom, your Bing - was just being nice. But nothing happened. Nothing. Ask Joey. Joey came in-
Chandler: You knew about this?
Joey: You know, knowledge is a tricky thing.
Chandler: I spent the entire day with you. Why didn't you tell me?
Joey: Hey, hey, hey. You're Iucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows what would've happened?
Ross: Thanks, man. Big help.

Monica: "A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Greene."
Rachel: I thought I'd give it a shot. I'm on the first chapter. Now, do you think his "Iove stick" can be "Iiberated from its denim prison"?
Monica: Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no "J " in "engorged."

Joey: And here's a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day. Now, you tell me she's not a knockout.
Ross: I can not believe we're having this conversation.
Joey: Come on. Just try to picture her not pregnant. That's all.

Chandler: You kissed my best Ross. Or something to that effect.

Joey: He told her off. And not just about the kiss.
Ross: You're kidding?
Joey: No, no. He said, "When are you grow up and start being a mom?" Then she came back with: "The question is, when are you grow up and gonna realize I have a bomb?"
Ross: Are you sure she didn't say: "When are you gonna grow up and realize I am your mom?"
Joey: That makes more sense.
Ross: You think? So, what's going on now?
Joey: I don't know. I've been standing here spelling it out for you.

Rachel: Now, this is just the first chapter and I want your absolute honest opinion. Okay?
And on page two, he's not reaching for her "heaving beasts."
Monica: What's a "niffle"?
Joey: You can usually find them on the heaving beasts.
Rachel: All right, all right. Okay, so I'm not a great typist.
Ross: Wait, did you get to the part about his "huge, throbbing pens"? Tell you, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those.
Rachel: That's it. Give them back.