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‘The One with the Dozen Lasagnas’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Dozen Lasagnas

112. The One with the Dozen Lasagnas

Aired January 12, 1995

Monica struggles to give away lasagnas after she bakes twelve of them for her aunt, only to find out she's a vegetarian. Meanwhile, Ross is determined not to find out the sex of his baby, even though everyone else knows, and Phoebe is horrified when Paulo makes a pass at her.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books?
Ross: Yep. You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I could find my way out of there like that!
Phoebe: Ooh, this is cool. It says in some parts of the world people actually eat the placenta.
Chandler: And we're done with the yogurt.

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Quote from Ross

Carol:The sex of the baby, Ross.
Ross: Oh. You know the sex of the baby?
Carol: So, do you want to know?
Ross: No. I don't want to know. Absolutely not. You shouldn't know until you look down there and see, "Oh, there it is." Or isn't.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Okay, so just because it was my table, I have to buy a new one?
Joey: That's the rule.
Chandler: What rule? There's no rule. if anything, you owe me a table.
Joey: How did you get there?
Chandler: Well, I believe this piece of furniture was fine until your little breakfast adventure with Angela Delveccio.
Joey: You knew about that?
Chandler: Well, let's just say the impressions you made in the butter left little to the imagination.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: I can't believe you don't wanna know. I couldn't not know. If the doctor knows, Carol and Susan knows-
Monica: And Monica knows.
Ross: How could you know? I don't even know.
Monica: Carol called to thank me for the lasagna. I asked. She told me.
Joey: So what's it gonna be? [Monica whispers in Joey's ear.]
Ross: Oh, great! Now he knows.
Monica: I'm sorry. l'm just excited about being an aunt.
Joey: Or an uncle!

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: And all of a sudden, his hands weren't the problem anymore.
Monica: Was it..?
Phoebe: Oh, Boy Scouts could've camped under there.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Fine. What about the birds?
Joey: I don't know. Birds just don't say, "Hello, sit here. Eat something."

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Why have I never tasted these before?
Phoebe: Oh, I don't make them a lot, because I don't think it's fair to the other cookies.
Rachel: God. Well, you're right. These are the best oatmeal raisin cookies that I've ever had.
Phoebe: Which proves that I never lie.
Rachel: I guess you don't.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: I mean, we are way past the "fling" thing. I'm feeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steel books.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hey, Ross, listen. Do you know that right now your baby is only this big? This is your baby." [holding two fingers a couple of inches apart, moving them as he talks] "Hi, Daddy."
Ross: Hello.
Joey: "How come you don't live with Mommy? How come Mommy lives with that other lady? What's a lesbian?"

Quote from Ross

Ross: Nauseous. I'm physically nauseous. What am I supposed to do? Call lmmigration? I could call lmmigration.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: [talking cutesy] I love babies with their little baby shoes and their little baby toes and their little hands.
Chandler: Okay, you're gonna have to stop that. Forever.

Quote from Carol

Carol: Don't you wanna know about the sex?
Ross: The sex? I'm having enough trouble with the image of you and Susan together. But when you throw in Tanya.
Carol: The sex of the baby, Ross.

Quote from Ross

Susan: Hello, Ross.
Ross: Susan.
Susan: So? So did you hear?
Ross: Yes, we did. Everything's A-Okay.
Susan: Oh, that's so cool!
Carol: It really is.
Susan: Do we know?
Carol: We certainly do. It's going to be a-
Ross: Woah, woah. Hello? A guy who doesn't wanna know is standing here.
Susan: Well, is it what we thought it would be?
Carol: Uh-huh.
Ross: Hey, what? Okay, what did we think it was going to be? No, no. I don't wanna know. Don't wanna know. I should probably just go.

Quote from Ross

Carol: Well, thanks for the books.
Ross: No problem. [kisses Carol, pats her belly] Okay. [fist bumps Susan in the arm] Susan.
Susan: Who should we call first? Your folks or Deb and Rhona?
[intercom buzzes]
Carol: Hello?
Ross: [on the intercom] Never mind. I don't wanna know.

Quote from Joey

Joey: How about if we split it?
Chandler: What do you mean, like, buy it together?
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: Do you think we're ready for something like that?
Joey: Why not?
Chandler: Well, it's just a big commitment. What if one of us wants to move out?
Joey: Why? Are you moving out?
Chandler: l'm not moving out.
Joey: You'd tell me if you were moving out, right?
Chandler: Yes. Yes. It's just, with my last roommate-
Joey: I know all about Kip.
Chandler: We bought a hibachi together, and then he ran off and got married. And things got pretty ugly.
Joey: Well, let me ask you something. Was Kip a better roommate than me?
Chandler: Oh, don't do that.

Quote from Ross

Monica: Phoebe, what is it?
Phoebe: All right. You know Paolo?
Ross: l'm familiar with his work, yes.

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: He made a move on me.
Joey: Woah, the store will be open tomorrow.
Chandler: More coffee over here, please.

Quote from Ross

Ross: You have to tell her. You have to tell her. It's your moral obligation as a friend, as a woman.
I think it's a feminist issue. Guys? Guys?
Chandler: Oh, yeah, you have to tell her.
Joey: Feminist issue? That's where I went.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Okay, you pick one.
Joey: Okay. How about the ladybugs?
Chandler: Oh, so forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine dining?
Joey: Fine! You want to get the birds? Get the birds!
Chandler: Not like that, I won't. Kip would have liked the birds.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: We haven't known each other for that long a time. And, um, there are three things you should know about me: One, my friends are the most important thing in my life. Two, I never lie. And three, I make the best oatmeal raisin cookies in the world.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: So, what do you think?
Ross: I think it's the most beautiful table I've seen.
Chandler: I know.
Monica: So, how does this work? Are you gonna balance plates on these little guys' heads?
Joey: Who cares? We'll eat at the sink.

Quote from Monica

Joey: Come on!
Monica: Heads up, Ross. Score! You suck!

Quote from Rachel

Phoebe: Wait, what are we sorry about?
Rachel: I don't know. Right. He's the pig.
Phoebe: Such a pig!
Rachel: Oh, God, he's such a pig! He's like a big disgusting pig. Pig man!
Phoebe: Yes, good, okay.
Rachel: Oh, but he was my pig man.

Quote from Joey

Ross: Well, it looks like we kicked your butts.
Joey: No, no, she kicked our butts. You could be on the Olympic "Standing There" team.

Quote from Monica

Ross: How's it going?
Monica: Okay, don't stare. She just threw his clothes off the balcony. Now there's gesturing and arm-waving. That is, "How could you?" or "Enormous breasts!"

Quote from Monica

Monica: Paolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel, but I still have five of these so heat it at 375 until the cheese bubbles.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Paulo, I just wanna tell you, and I think I'd speak for everyone when I say. [slams the door shut]

Quote from Ross

Rachel: See, Rach I don't think swearing off guys altogether is the answer. I really don't. I think what you need is to develop a more sophisticated screening process.
Rachel: No, no. I just need to be by myself for a while, you know. I just gotta figure out what I want.
Ross: No, no. See, because not all guys out there are gonna be a Paolo.
Rachel: No, I know. I know. And l'm sure your little boy's not gonna grow up to be one.
Ross: What?
Rachel: What?
Ross: I'm having a boy?
Rachel: No. No. In fact, you're not having a boy.
Ross: I'm having a boy. Huh? Am I having a boy?
Monica: You're having a boy!
Ross: I'm having a boy! l'm having a boy!
Chandler: What?
Joey: What is it?
Ross: I'm having a boy! I'm having a boy!

Quote from Joey

Monica: Yes! And that would be a shutdown!
Joey: Shutout!
Monica: Where you guys going? Come on, one more game!
Joey: It's 2:30 in the morning.
Chandler: Yeah, get out!
Monica: You guys are always hanging out in my apartment. Come on, I'll only use my left hand. Huh? Come on, wussies!
[Joey and Chandler lift Monica up and carry her out of the apartment.]
Monica: All right! Okay! I gotta go! I'm going. And l'm gone.
Chandler: One more game?
Joey: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Ugly Naked Guy is making shadow puppets.
Phoebe: Look, it's Abraham Lincoln.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Hey, I always liked "bazoombas." Gives them a Latin spin.

Quote from Joey

Mr. Tribbiani: What are you doing?
Joey: Chopping garlic.
Mr. Tribbiani: You're not going to crush it?
Joey: Hey, you're having an affair. I'm chopping garlic. It's a wacky world.

Quote from Rachel

Monica: Do you ever think Dad cheated on Mom?
Ross: Oh, no. I don't think so. 'cause that would involve having sex, and I would like to think that our parents don't do that sort of thing.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: Now, Dad, you'll be in my room. Ronni, uh, you can stay in Chandler's bed.
Chandler: And Chandler will be…?
Joey: Out here with me, bunking up on the Hide-a-Bed.
Chandler: Ooh, bunking up. If you smell S'mores, don't be alarmed.

Quote from Ross

Ross: I brought the books and Monica sends her love along with this lasagna.
Carol: Great! Is it vegetarian? Because Susan doesn't eat meat.
Ross: I'm pretty sure that it is.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Aunt Silv, stop yelling! All I'm saying is if you'd told me vegetarian lasagna I would've made vegetarian lasagna. Well, the meat's only every third layer. Maybe you could scrape.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Aunt Silv, I did this as a favor. I am not a caterer. What do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas? Nice talk, Aunt Silv. You kiss Uncle Freddie with that mouth?

Quote from Ross

Ross: Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling? Shouldn't it be flung by now?

Quote from Carol

Ross: Hey, when did you and Susan meet Huey Lewis?
Carol: Uh, that's our friend Tanya.
Ross: Of course, it's your friend Tanya.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: What are you still doing here? She just broke up with the guy. It's time for you to swoop in.
Ross: What, now?
Joey: Yes. Now is when you swoop. You gotta make sure that when Paolo walks out of there, the first guy Rachel sees is you. She's gotta know you're everything he's not. You're, like, the anti-Paolo.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught. You're there for her. You pick up the pieces and then you usher in "The Age of Ross."

Quote from Rachel

Ross: Come here. Listen you deserve so much better than him. You know, I mean, you should be with a guy who knows what he has when he has you.
Rachel: Oh, Ross.
Ross: What?
Rachel: I'm so sick of guys! I don't want to look at another guy. I don't want to think about another guy. I don't even want to be near another guy.
Ross: Huh.
Rachel: Ross, you're so great.


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