‘The One with Five Steaks and an Eggplant’
Season 2, Episode 5 - Aired October 19, 1995
With Monica planning a big birthday surprise for Ross's birthday, the group is split along income lines with Phoebe, Joey and Rachel fed up of being expected to chip in for expensive meals they can't afford. Meanwhile, Chandler meets a woman who called a wrong number, and Monica gets a promotion at work.
Quote from Ross
Chandler: I'm not sorry I'm late. How incredible was my afternoon with Jade?
Ross: Pretty incredible, according to the message on my machine. Hey, Chandler, why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?
Chandler: Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number was yours because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number because she thinks my number is Bob's number.
Ross: Hey, tell me again. What do I do again when Mr. Roper calls?
Quote from Joey
Waiter: And for the gentleman?
Joey: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza. But, hey, look, if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff is it cheaper?
Waiter: You'd think, wouldn't you?
Quote from Chandler
Chandler: I will have the Cajun catfish.
Waiter: Anything else?
Chandler: Yes, how about a verse of "Killing Me Softly"? You're gonna sneeze in my fish, aren't you?
Quote from Phoebe
Ross: I don't understand. I mean, it's like we can't win with you guys.
Chandler: I mean if you guys feel this big, maybe that's not our fault. Maybe that's just how you feel.
Joey: Oh. Now you're telling us how we feel.
Rachel: Oh, God, see okay. We never should have talked about this.
Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna pass on the concert. See, I'm just not in a very "Hootie" place right now.
Quote from Rachel
Monica: Ours pretty much sucked too. But I ran into little Stevie Fisher. Remember him?
Rachel: Oh, yeah! I used to baby-sit him. Hey, how's his dad?
Quote from Chandler
Jade: So are we gonna get together or what?
Chandler: Absolutely. Uh, how about tomorrow afternoon? Do you know Central Perk in the village? Say, five-ish?
Jade: Great. I'll see you then.
Chandler: Okay. Having a phone has finally paid off.
Ross: Even though you do do a good Bob impression, I'm thinking when she sees you tomorrow she's probably going to realize you're not Bob.
Chandler: I am hoping that when Bob doesn't show up she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the next table.
Ross: Oh, my God. You are pure evil.
Chandler: Okay, [weighing with both hands] pure evil, horny and alone. I've done this.
Quote from Chandler
Chandler: I have to confess something.
Jade: Yes?
Chandler: Whoever stood you up is a jerk.
Jade: How did you-
Chandler: I don't know. I just had this weird sense. But that's me, I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue?
Jade: Thanks.
Chandler: No, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out today.
Quote from Rachel
Phoebe: Is that a hickey?
Monica: Oh, no, I just. I fell down.
Rachel: On someone's lips?
Quote from Chandler
Ross: Man, I sure miss Julie.
Chandler: Spanish midgets. Spanish midgets wrestling. Julie. Okay, yeah, I see how you got there.