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‘The One with All the Cheesecakes’ Quotes

Friends: The One with All the Cheesecakes

711. The One with All the Cheesecakes

Aired January 4, 2001

Chandler and Rachel get hooked on cheesecakes which were meant for someone else. David is in New York for just one night, but Phoebe has already made plans with Joey. Monica is upset that she wasn't invited to her cousin's wedding.

Quote from Joey

Joey: I should get going. Big day at work. You know how I'm in a coma? Well, today they do this test on me and it turns out I'm not brain-dead.
Chandler: So-
Joey: Ah-ah, Mr. Smarty Pants. It's just my character that's not brain-dead.

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Quote from Joey

Waiter: Are you guys ready?
Phoebe: Yes. I'll have a green salad, house dressing and water's fine.
Waiter: And for you, sir?
Joey: Yeah. This slow-roasted salmon, just how slow are we talking?
Waiter: It's already been roasted.
Joey: Oh, then no. Maybe I should hear those specials again.
Phoebe: Oh, Joey, we've heard the specials three times, okay. There's prime rib, mahi-mahi and a very special lobster ravioli.
Waiter: Actually, we're out of the lobster ravioli.
Joey: Oh, well, that changes everything!

Quote from Ross

Monica: You invite my brother, you invite my whole family, and not me? Why? Why wouldn't you want me at your wedding? What could I have possibly done? Stuart.
Frannie: I believe you know my husband.
Ross: So it's really a question of "who" could you possibly have done.

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: Okay, now's not the time, Joey, all right. You can yell at me tomorrow.
Joey: Wait, no, no, Pheebs. I'm not gonna yell at you. I just started thinking about you and David and I remember how bummed you were the first time he left, I just- Oh, Pheebs, come here. Are you okay?
Phoebe: No, I'm not okay. The only guy I've ever been crazy about is going to Minsk and I may never see him again.
Joey: You could always visit him.
Phoebe: Oh, right. Like they're going to let me have a passport.
Joey: Anything I can do? Whatever you need.
Phoebe: Well, now if you achieve positronic distillation of subatomic particles, you know, before he does then he could come back. [Phoebe and Joey hug]
Joey: I could give it a shot.

Quote from Joey

[Rachel and Chandler are eating cheesecake off the hallway floor]
Rachel: There's a piece that doesn't have floor on it.
Chandler: Stick to your side.
Rachel: Come on, now.
Joey: [pulls a fork out of his pocket] All right, what are we having?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: No, we're going to split it. You take half and I take half.
Chandler: That's not fair. You've already had some.
Rachel: Well, I think Monica would be very interested to know that you called her cheesecake "dry and mealy."
Chandler: What do we use to split it?
Rachel: Okay. All right, pick a half.
Chandler: Okay. Well, this side looks bigger. But there's more crust on this side. Maybe if I measure it-
Rachel: Oh, for God sake, just pick a piece!
Chandler: All right, I pick that one.
Rachel: Ha, that's the smaller piece. Okay. There you go. Enjoy your half, my friend. But that is it. No sharing, no switching, and don't come crying to me if you eat your piece too fast.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: You have got to try this cheesecake.
Rachel: You know, I'm not that much of a sweet tooth- Oh, my God, it's so creamy. Oh, my God, that is the best cheesecake I've ever had. Where did you get this?
Chandler: It was at the front door when I got home. Somebody sent it to us.
Rachel: Chandler, this is not addressed to you. This is addressed to Mrs. Braverman downstairs. Thief!
Chandler: I didn't read the box before I opened it and you can't return a box after you opened the box.
Rachel: Why not?
Chandler: Because it's too delicious.
Rachel: Chandler, you stole this cheesecake. That's wrong.
Chandler: No, no, no. It is going to be okay because Mrs. Braverman is going to send away for a free one and that way, we all win. The only losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate, "Mama's Little Bakery." I feel terrible. I'm a horrible, horrible, horrible person.
Rachel: [eating the cheesecake] I'm sorry, what?

Quote from Ross

Ross: What's at 8?
Phoebe: Oh, I have dinner plans with Joey. We get together about once a month to discuss the rest of you guys.
Ross: Wow. Did not know that. May I say how lovely you look today?
Phoebe: Duly noted.

Quote from Ross

Ross: You know what nickname never caught on? "The Ross-a-tron."

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Here's Joseph Francis!
Rachel: Whoa, whoa, what are you middle-naming me for? I left you a note.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Hey, Joe, while you're over there, how about another beer for "The Ross-a-tron"?
Joey: "Ross--" Is that back?!

Quote from Rachel

Chandler: Forget it. We are just hungry. We have not had lunch. We are just lightheaded. So let us go out, have lunch and forget about the cheesecake.
Rachel: Yeah, we'll drop it off downstairs so we're not tempted.
Chandler: Good idea. Where do you want to go to lunch?
Rachel: Mama's Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois.

Quote from Ross

Ross: I can't cancel on Joan.
Monica: Why not?
Ross: Did you not hear me? She's an assistant professor in the linguistics department, okay. They're wild.

Quote from Ross

Joey: Oh, that's nice. Family should be there. It's her wedding. Happiest day of her life.
Monica: We'll see!

Quote from Rachel

Chandler: Do you see what I see?
Rachel: It's still there.
Chandler: Mrs. Braverman must be out.
Rachel: She could be out of town. Maybe she'll be gone for months.
Chandler: By then the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don't want her to come back to bad cheesecake.
Rachel: No, that could kill her.
Chandler: Well, we wouldn't want that.
Rachel: No, so we're protecting her.
Chandler: Well, we should take it.
Rachel: Yeah, but we should be quick.
Chandler: Why?
Rachel: Because I think I just heard her moving around in there.

Quote from David

Phoebe: Oh, my God, that's David.
Monica: Who?
Phoebe: David, the scientist guy. David that I was in love with. David who went to Russia and broke my heart, David.
David: Oh, my God!
Phoebe: Oh, you say someone's name enough, they turn around.

Quote from David

Phoebe: Of course I would want to see you. I think about you all the time.
David: Really? Because I think about you all the time.
Phoebe: Really?
David: There's a statue in Minsk that reminds me of you so much. I mean, it's actually of Lenin but, you know, at certain angles.

Quote from Joey

Joey: I got those plans with Phoebe.
Chandler: Oh, really? Monica said she had a date at 9.
Joey: What? Tonight?
Chandler: That's what Monica said.
Joey: After that speech, she goes and makes a date on the same night she has plans with me? I think she's trying to pull a fast one on Big Daddy.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Limited seating, my ass. Let's just see who made the cut. Hi. I'm Monica Geller.
How do you know the bride and groom?
Woman: Oh, I used to work with Frannie.
Monica: Used to work with her. Used to. I'm a relative and I didn't get invited. A blood relative. Blood.
Ross: Stop saying "blood" to strangers.

Quote from Joey

Joey: You know what, Pheebs? You were right before. Friends are so important.
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm very wise. I know.
Joey: Know what I really want?
Phoebe: What?
Joey: Is to have a long, long talk. You know? Get Joey out on the open road and really open him up.

Quote from Joey

Joey: What are you still doing here? I told you, lobster ravioli!

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: You gonna give me some of your piece?
Chandler: Oh, no, no. No switching, no sharing. And don't come crying to me. Ha, ha, ha. I may just sit here and have my cake all day. Just sit here in the hallway and eat my- [Rachel knocks Chandler's piece to the floor]

Quote from Ross

Aunt Millie: Ross, sweetheart.
Ross: Oh, hey, Aunt Millie.
Aunt Millie: Isn't it a beautiful wedding?
Ross: Yes, it is. [Aunt Millie kisses Ross] Every time, on the lips! Why? Why on the lips?


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