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‘The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance’ Quotes

Friends: The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance

604. The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance

Aired October 14, 1999

After Joey injures himself just as his health insurance lapses, he is forced to take an acting job while in agony. Meanwhile, Ross begins teaching a class at NYU and adopts an English accent to impress his students, and Rachel discovers Ross's secret.

Quote from Ross

Ross: So without retesting their results in the laboratory, the team would never have identified the initial errors in their carbon dating analysis. Were there any questions at this point? Yes?
Student: What's happening to your accent?
Ross: [in a British accent] Come again? What's this nonsense? [laughs] All right. I'm not English. I'm from Long Island. I was really nervous, and the accent just came out. I'm sorry. So if we could just get back to the lecture. Um, were there any questions? About paleontology? All right, look, I was just trying to make a good first impression. Obviously, I screwed up. But what you guys think of me is really important because I'm hoping to get a permanent job here. So if you'd just give me another chance to make a good impression-
Rachel: Ross. Are you crazy? I am still your wife? What, were you just never gonna tell me? What the hell is wrong with you? Ugh, I could just kill you!
Ross: [in a British accent] Well, 'ello, Rachel!

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Quote from Ross

Ross: [in a British accent] Right. So when Rigby got his samples back from the laboratory, he made a startling discovery. What he believed to be igneous was, in fact, sedimentary. Imagine his consternation when- Oh, bloody 'ell.

Quote from Rachel

Monica: Okay, do it one more time.
Rachel: Really? Really?
Monica: Yes.
Rachel: Okay. [in an Irish accent] Hello, Ross? This is Dr. McNeely from the Fake Accent University. We'd like you to come on-board with us full-time!

Quote from Estelle

Joey: Hey, Estelle, listen-
Estelle: Well, well, well. Joey Tribbiani. So you came back, huh? They think they can do better, but they all come crawling back to Estelle.
Joey: What are you talking about? I never left you. You've always been my agent.
Estelle: Really?
Joey: Yeah.
Estelle: Oh, well, no harm no foul.

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: "There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. Each of these theories can be further sub-categorized into two..."
Phoebe: Oh, this is it. This is what's gonna kill me.

Quote from Monica

Kurt Rathman: Dr. Geller? Kurt Rathman. I'm a professor in the paleontology department here. Do you have a moment to talk about your lecture?
Ross: [in a British accent] I'm sorry, I've got plans with my sister.
Monica: [in an Irish accent] Monica Geller.
Ross: [British:] Right, will you excuse us for one moment? [normal:] What are you doing?
Monica: [normal:] Oh, you can have an accent, but I can't? [Irish:] Top of the morning to you, laddies!

Quote from Rachel

Russell: Hello, is Ross there?
Rachel: No, he's not. Can I take a message?
Russell: Yes, this is Russell, Ross's divorce lawyer. Just tell him that since I haven't heard from him, I assume he's giving the marriage a try.
Rachel: Ross got married again? Aah! No!

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hi, Joey Tribbiani. I'm here to audition for "Man."
Casting Director: You mean "Dying Man."
Joey: Yes!

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: What's going on?
Chandler: Well, Joey's got a really bad hernia, but it's nothing a little laser eye surgery won't fix.

Quote from Ross

Ross: How weird is that? You know, you're moving in with me and you have the one thing I don't have. It's like, in a way, you complete me... huh? Kitchen.
Rachel: What?
Ross: You complete me kitchen, matey.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Oh, my God. I see what this is. You are in love with Rachel.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: Of course. It all adds up. I mean, you're obsessed with her. It's always: "Ross, what are going to do about Rachel? Ross, why are you moving in with Rachel? When are you going to confess your secret marriage to Rachel?" You want her.
Phoebe: No.
Ross: [cell phone rings] Oh, saved by the bell.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Remember that paper I had published last year on sediment flow rate? They loved it.
Rachel: Well, who wouldn't?
Ross: I know!

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: Anyway, they asked me to be a guest lecturer. It's only temporary, but if they like me, it could lead to a full-time job. How great would that look on the mailbox? Professor Geller.
Phoebe: Yeah, Professor and Mrs.
Rachel: And Mrs?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, you know, you and Ross are still married.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Just kidding.
Rachel: Oh, God. Could you imagine?
Phoebe: Saved your ass.

Quote from Phoebe

Chandler: Hey, what's the matter?
Phoebe: Well, you know that psychic I see?
Chandler: Yeah.
Phoebe: She told me that I'm gonna die this week, so I'm kind of bummed about that.
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: Yeah. And I know you guys don't know a lot about psychic readings, but that is pretty much the worst one you can get.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: You don't believe her, do you?
Phoebe: I don't know. She said that I would have triplets, but she also said one of them would be black.

Quote from Phoebe

Chandler: Just out of curiosity, did she tell you how you're going to go?
Phoebe: No, because she didn't tell me I was going to die till the very end of the session. And I was not gonna waste a whole other hour there. I mean, I've only got a week left. I've really gotta start living now. [Phoebe sits back and opens a magazine]

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Why don't you open with a joke?
Ross: Open with a joke? It's a university, not a comedy club.
Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone. You're not talking about Chuckles University?

Quote from Chandler

Ross: I don't even know why I bothered to even talk to you guys about it. You know, I'm just gonna do it on my own, with no naked chicks.
Chandler: That's the way I did it till I was 19.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: You got something from the Screen Actors Guild.
Joey: Ooh, it's probably a residual check. Can you open it? I got-
Chandler: "Benefits lapsed."
Joey: That's weird. I don't remember being in a movie called Benefits Lapsed.

Quote from Joey

Joey: This sucks. When I had insurance, I could get hit by a bus or catch on fire, you know? And it wouldn't matter. Now I gotta be careful?
Chandler: I'm sorry, man. There's never a good time to have to ... stop catching on fire.

Quote from Ross

Monica: Hey, how'd the lecture go?
Ross: It went great. And I didn't need any jokes or naked chicks either.
Rachel: That's great. I'm sorry we weren't supportive before.
Ross: I knew all I had to was let the material speak for itself. Everyone's all, "Ross, you have to be funny and sexy." Well, I proved them wrong. And now I'm going to pass the news on to Joey and Chandler.
Monica: That you're not funny or sexy?
Ross: That's right.

Quote from Joey

Joey: So Estelle lined up a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow. And I'll have my health insurance back in no time.
Chandler: That's great, but shouldn't you be on the toilet right now?
Joey: What?
Chandler: What's wrong with you?
Joey: Nothing. Well, I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before.
And then I passed out and, uh, I haven't been able to stand up since. But I don't think it's anything serious.
Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to- You go to the doctor.
Joey: No way. Okay, look, if I'm going to go to the doctor for anything, it'll be for this thing sticking out of my stomach.
Chandler: That's a hernia.
Joey: Why'd I have to start working out again? Damn you, 15s!

Quote from Rachel

Monica: What the hell are you doing?
Ross: Look, I was nervous. You guys had me all worried I was gonna be boring. I got up there and they were all, like, staring at me. I opened my mouth and this British accent just came out.
Rachel: Yeah, and not a very good one.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: [in an East Indian accent] Yes, yes, Bombay is very, very nice this time of year.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Look, I'll loan you the money. Just go to the hospital and let's just get that thing pushed back in.
Joey: Thank you, but it would take me forever to pay you that money back and I don't want that hanging over my head. Okay? Besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in, I can get all the free operations I want. I think I'll probably start with that laser eye surgery.

Quote from Phoebe

Joey: I'm telling you, if I put my hand on my stomach right here, it doesn't hurt that bad.
Phoebe: Hey, maybe you'll die.
Joey: Chandler, I'm scared.
Phoebe: No, we can go together. Just don't wait too long, though, because I'm out of here sometime before Friday.
Joey: But I don't want to die.
Phoebe: No, no. It'll be fun. We can come back and haunt these guys.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hey, Timmy. I've got a surprise for you.
Casting Director: Hold it. I'm sorry. The surprise is a new swing set. If you could play it a little less intense.
Joey: Oh, yeah. Sure, no problem. Just hold on one second. [Joey puts his hand down his pants] Hey, Timmy. I've got a surprise for you.
Casting Director: Oh, my God!

Quote from Joey

Joey: So that's why I feed my dog Purina One. Pick up a bag today.
Casting Director: That's where you pick up the bag.
Joey: Exactly.
Casting Director: No, the line is, "Pick up a bag," so you need to pick up the bag.
Joey: Or I could just point to it. "Blah, blah, blah. Purina One. Point to a bag today." I didn't get it, did l?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Listen to this. My reading was wrong. I'm not going to die.
Rachel: Really? How do you know?
Phoebe: Because my psychic is dead. She must have read the cards wrong.
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry.
Phoebe: Eh, better her than me. Hey, let's bake cookies!

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hey, hey, Joe. Why don't you lift up your shirt? Take a look at this, kiddo. [Alex sees Joey's hernia, starts crying] We have a crying child. Roll the damn cameras!

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: You've really done this before?
Joey: Yeah, yeah. You just take a big, big swing, okay? Now, don't hold back.
Phoebe: Hey.
Chandler: Hey. What are you doing?
Phoebe: We're just celebrating that Joey got his health insurance back.
Chandler: Oh, all right.

Quote from Estelle

Joey: Look, Estelle, you gotta get me some work. I lost my health insurance.
Estelle: All right, first thing we gotta do: damage control.
Joey: Why?
Estelle: Well, I think, uh, someone out there may have been bad-mouthing you all over town.
Joey: The bastard!


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