Marie: You spent their childhood being a dreadful goon, and all it did was make them want to sneak out of the house.
Frank: Maybe they wanted to get away from you. That's why I sneak out of the house.
Marie: Don't you dare try to turn this around. You insisted on being the disciplinarian. You're the one who said to me, "Oh, don't hug them so much. You'll make them soft." Well, obviously, I should have never stopped hugging them! [hugs Ray & Robert] Oh! I am so sorry I let this crazy man loose on you.
Frank: Stop hugging them!
Marie: No, Frank. That's what parenting is... love. You just love 'em. No matter how many bad decisions they make, no matter how many times they don't listen to you, you just keep loving and hope that maybe someday that love will make them realize how much they hurt you.
Robert: And you wonder why I drank the schnapps.

Ray: Guys, it's okay. You can wake up now. Sit up, guys. I want to talk to you. Michael, come over here. Come on. Listen, guys I said something before that was pretty harsh. But, uh, I said it, and I'm sticking by it. Okay, you understand that? I'm not backing down. So if you think Daddy's a party clown, "Look at the bubbles coming out of his heinie" you can just forget about it. But I might have a deal for you guys. You want your TV back, and holidays, and staying up until it's dark out? [they nod] Okay, well, I can make all that happen if you just promise me one thing. Okay? Just promise me you'll obey everything Mommy and Daddy tell you from now until you're 60... 65... 65! Okay? That seems fair. Deal?
Geoffrey: Deal.
Michael: Deal.
Ray: All right, come here. Now, listen, guys, I don't want you to think that I'm an idiot and I really believe that we've got a deal here. Your mother and I have been talking, and we know that you're gonna get older and you're gonna do things, and we know there's nothing we can do about it. But, guys, if you do, make sure we never find out about it. We don't want to know.

Debra: Thank you, Marie, but the boys can do it themselves.
Marie: Boys should play. I hardly ever used to make Raymond tidy up.
Debra: I know, Marie, and thank you for that.
Robert: For Raymond, it was, "Don't worry, go play." What I got was, "Robbie, dust the ceiling!"

Marie: Debra, when it comes to discipline, it's only natural for one of the parents to be the bad guy.
Frank: I was the best bad guy ever to walk the streets of Lynbrook. These two knew not to mess with me. When they were up to their usual monkeyshines, all I had to do was give 'em "the step."
Debra: What's that?
[Frank stands up, shakes himself off and then turns towards Ray and Robert to take a step forward]
Robert: Take it easy.
Ray: Just relax.
Frank: End of monkeyshines!
Debra: Wow.
Marie: He was good.

Robert: You mean, like topless?
Marie: In "The Daily News"?
Debra: I was not topless. They put a black bar over the exposed area.
Frank: I hate those.
Debra: It was spring break. It was a momentary youthful indiscretion.
Ray: That ended up in the paper.
Marie: How could you do that, Debra?
Debra: Come on, it is no big deal. It was college.
Marie: Not a big deal? Debra, in a few years, Ally will be in college.
Debra: But Ally would never do anything like that because we will teach her that it is not right to do things like that, and... [Marie nods as Debra realizes her words ring hollow]
Robert: Oh, boy.

Frank: You're not going anywhere.
Ray: What?
Frank: You back down now, you'll be their puppet. You'll be a permanent party clown with bubbles coming out of your behind.
Debra: Come on, Frank, what Ray did was completely unfair.
Frank: Unfair is what kids remember. Unfair is what keeps them on the straight and narrow. Remember in high school how you used to whine about how unfair your 9:00 curfew was? Well, it kept you out of trouble now, didn't it? Like it or not, unfair works!

Robert: Except that Ray would come home at 9:00, wait for you to fall asleep, and then sneak back out.
Marie: Raymond, is that true?
Frank: No, it is not true, Marie. It is manure.
Robert: And he would always brag that he had the stairs memorized. You know, which ones would squeak, which didn't. And once he got down 'em, it was out the door for another night of bad judgment and questionable behavior.
Frank: Baloney! Ray knew what would happen if he blinked without my permission. I had him shivering in his boots. He knew if he lived in my house, he lived by my rules. Sneak out! Ha!
Ray: Actually, Dad, with your snoring, I could have marched out of there blowing a trumpet.
Frank: You little punk!

Marie: Oh, Frank, doesn't Ally look nice in her Frontier Girl uniform?
Frank: Great. When's cookie season?
Ally: In the spring.
Frank: I'll see you then.

Ray: Okay, no TV for a month!
Geoffrey: What?!
Ray: You're going to clean this room, all right? And then I'm going to find some more work for you to do, like take out the trash every day. That's right. Used to be my job. Well, now it's yours, okay? You want to live here, I'm the boss. I don't work for you, you work for me!
Debra: What's all the yell-
Ray: No, no, no! I got it!
Michael: Mommy! Daddy's being mean!
Geoffrey: And crazy!
Ray: I'm crazy? You know what? Forget about cleaning up. It's bedtime. Come on. Say good night to mommy. Go. Get in bed. Get in bed. Come on, come on. Lie down. Lie down over there. Go! Lie down.
Debra: Ray, it's noon.
Ray: Well, that's the new bedtime! All right, I'm not kidding around anymore! No more fun stuff! If there's any more screwing around, no TV, no dessert, no Christmas, Easter, 4th of July, or Halloween!
Debra: Ray, you're being ridiculous.
Ray: Night-night. Lights out. Just put your hands over your eyes and pretend it's dark out. Come on, let's go. Sweet dreams, gentlemen. I suggest you sleep 'cause I'm filling the garbage tomorrow with the heaviest heaviest garbage!

Debra: I guess we'll talk later 'cause I have to take Ally to her meeting. You make sure the boys clean that room!
Marie: Oh, Debra, I'll clean up. In fact, I'll give the whole upstairs a once-over. And then the downstairs.