Ray: Yes, oh yes! Once, we snuck out to go to the Jethro Tull concert, and he stole a bottle of peppermint schnapps from your liquor cabinet!
Robert: He's lying!
Frank: Yeah, I know he is 'cause I had that cabinet padlocked.
Ray: Yes, that's why he had to inch it away from the wall and pop out the back panel.
Marie: You drank?
Frank: You popped out the back panel?
Ray: And after the concert, Robert was so schnockered, he wanted to fight anybody who didn't agree that "Bungle in the Jungle" was the best song ever written.
Robert: That's a great song... but this is lies!
Ray: Then, I remember the next morning he threw up in the living room, and you wanted to know why the house smelled like mint vomit.
Marie: You told me you had a bad candy cane. Oh, Frank, our sons are juvenile delinquents!

Robert: Well, Ray was worse. Well, you know that time we all went up to the Poconos? He had a girl in his room.
Debra: Oh, yeah?
Marie: Raymond!
Ray: Well, first of all, I was 25. And nothing happened.
Robert: You told me something happened.
Ray: That's right, I told you something happened. Nothing happened.
Robert: I knew it. You should have sent her to my room.
Ray: Oh, yeah. Like you would know what to do.
Robert: I know plenty.
Ray: You know how to throw up.
Robert: You throw up!

Ray: Worst song ever written "Bungle in the Jungle."
Robert: I'll fight you right now!
Frank: Quiet! Be quiet!
Robert: He started the whole thing!
[Frank steps towards Ray and Robert and they fall silent]
Frank: I still got it!

Debra: Look, my parents made rules, but they took the time to explain the reasons for the rules. And there was mutual respect between us, and maybe that's why I never felt the need to sneak out of the house or go joyriding in their car.
Ray: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You never felt the need to do that. But you did find the need to go to Mardi Gras when you were in college.
Debra: Ray.
Ray: And at the parade-
Debra: Ray.
Ray: You took your top off.
Debra: Ray!
Marie: Oh, my God!
Debra: It was nothing. In college, everybody's a little... It was college. I was finding myself.
Ray: You found yourself on page seven of "The Daily News" with your boobs out!
Debra: Ray!
Frank: Holy crap!

Ray: Now, what are we gonna do? Come on, I managed to sneak out to any party I wanted, and I had Marie and Benito Mussolini as my parents! And even though you had good parents, you still whipped off your shirt in front of a bunch of drunks for a handful of beads! Whoo! No matter what we tell Ally and- and- and the other ones aren't they just gonna do what we did? Or worse?
Frank: You need to build a cage!

Marie: Robert, have you and Amy set a date for the wedding?
Ray: Here we go.
Robert: Look, Ma, we haven't even worked up the nerve to tell her parents we're engaged.
Marie: What are you waiting for?
Ray: For them to die.
Marie: Raymond, don't say that. That could take years.

Debra: Did you two clean your room?
Geoffrey: Daddy said we could go outside.
Debra: Oh, nice try. That room is a disaster area, and I asked you two to clean it half an hour ago.
[The twins turn around and look to Ray]
Ray: Maybe they can go outside and finish up a little later.
Debra: No, Ray! What are you doing? You two get upstairs and clean your room right now!
[The twins look back at Ray, who shrugs his shoulders]
Geoffrey: Mommy's mean!
Debra: Ray, can I speak to you in the kitchen for a minute?
Ray: Ma, can I go outside?

Ray: So you know, my mom's got it all covered, all right?
Debra: Ray, you make sure that the boys do it themselves. And for once, don't be afraid to be the bad guy.
Ray: What do you mean?
Debra: I mean, you always get to be Captain Good Times around here, and Mommy is the evil witch who shows up to spoil everybody's fun.
Frank: No, that's Ray's mommy.

Debra: All right, nobody has to be the bad guy if you would just be firmer in setting limits for the kids. But I know you. You're worried if you do, they won't like you.
Ray: No, no.
Debra: Yes.
Robert: Yes. [leans into Ray] It's sad, really. This obsession with being liked by everyone has now contaminated your child-rearing.
Ray: Do me a favor. I've got an air freshener in the car. Could you hang it off your nose?

Marie: You know, there's no reason for Raymond to be the bad guy when Debra's so naturally good at it.
Debra: I'm not good at it.
Marie: Well, that was a compliment, dear. When my boys acted up, all I'd have to say is, "Wait till your father gets home."
Debra: Oh, I would love to be able to do that, but whenever I say, "Wait till your father gets home," the twins say, "Great. He works for us."
Ray: Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Marie: That's just the way it goes, honey. How could you ever be the bad guy?