Marie: Shame on you, young man!
Ray: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Frank: Didn't I teach you anything? You got a problem with your woman, you don't go out and get another woman! Now all you got is two problems!

Ray: She is pretty, though.
Robert: What'd I tell ya?
Ray: Mmm. Way out of my league.
Robert: Mine, too.
Ray: Yeah. You know, it's like neither one of us could've gotten her on our own, but...
Robert: But melded together, we were like a whole other entity. Like a superhero. We were better than just Ray.
Ray: Better than just Robert.
Robert: We were... Raybert.

Debra: Wait, how do you know Ray?
Natasha: We met at a bar.
Marie: What do you mean? Through Robert?
Natasha: No, no, no. I met Robert through Ray 'cause Ray and I are kind of "dating."
Marie: [gasps]
Frank: Holy crap!
Debra: Wait a minute. What?
Natasha: Is there a problem?
Debra: Um, no, there's no problem. I'm just surprised that my husband has time to date.
Natasha: What? You're his wife? Ray said you were dead!
Marie: [gasps]
Frank: Holy crap!

Ray: Hey! Whoa! Wait a minute. Wait a minute. If she knows my writing, then... then she must know I have a wife.
Robert: Had, had a wife.
Ray: You said I was divorced?
Robert: Widower.
Ray: You killed Debra?
Robert: Had to be done. But don't worry. You stuck by her through a very long illness. You were wonderful. Oh, and just so you know, you never had any children.
Ray: What?!
Robert: I couldn't leave any loose ends.

Robert: Natasha, this is my brother, Robert! Brother Robert, this is my friend Natasha.
Natasha: It's so nice to meet you, Robert. Ray has said so many good things about you.
Ray: He has, has he?
Natasha: You should hear how he brags about you. "What a great cop Robert is." You're like his hero.
Ray: Ahh-ha, Ray.
Natasha: He's told me all about your commendations and your promotions...
Ray: Really? Yeah. Yeah, that's no big deal. They give you those just for showing up.
Natasha: Ray said you were wounded in the line of duty.
Ray: Oh! Oh, yeah. He told you that? Yeah, that was actually kind of stupid. I, uh, I allowed myself to get gored in the ass by a bull.
Robert: [sighs] Don't be so modest. First of all, he was saving people. And it was actually the upper thigh.
Ray: No, no! No, right in the ass. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Really, really stupid. And I still complain about it.

Robert: Will you stop it? Stop being so funny. Everybody thinks I'm the funny one. He's the funny one. This guy is a crack-up. You're a great cop. Get out of here!
Ray: No, no. I'm an okay cop. I would rather be a great writer like my brother Raymond. He's a cultural hero.
Robert: You're out of your mind. I'm just a scribbler.
Ray: A scribbler, yeah. Did you happen to see the profile of Cal Ripken Jr?
Natasha: Oh, I loved that piece.
Ray: Really? Me, too.
Robert: What about you? Robert's planning a clothing drive for the police athletic league. He just can't stop with the giving.
Natasha: I don't believe you two.
Robert: No?
Natasha: I've never met two brothers who get along so well and admire each other so much. It's unreal.
Ray: It is unreal.
Natasha: Well, somebody raised you right. You must have amazing parents.
Ray: Yeah. [clears throat] They would amaze you.

Natasha: I've got to go. I hope to be seeing you again, Robert.
Ray: Oh, yeah! Right, right.
Natasha: Oh, how did this get here?
Robert: Oh, yeah. Robert brought this over. He stopped by my office this morning and delivered it here. Always thinking of me.
Ray: Hmm. Hey, Ray, could I get one of those brownies?
Robert: Certainly.
Ray: Thanks, Ray. [Ray touches the brownie to his chin before he takes a bite]
Natasha: That's funny. Ray does that chin thing, too.
Ray: Yeah, we're both idiots 'cause we do that.

Robert: Come on, you were on your way out anyway. You can't help your brother with his laundry down the stairs? We're Raybert.
Ray: Yeah, Raybert. What the hell you got in here anyway?
Robert: Just some socks and unmentionables.
Ray: Too bad they're not "unsmellables."

Robert: Forget it. I am Robert Barone, Lieutenant, NYPD. And this is my brother Raymond, Sports writer, "Newsday."
Natasha: How could you do this to me?
Robert: When you first mistook me for Raymond, I didn't want to let you down.
Natasha: So you lied to me? I have to get out of here.
Robert: No, wait, Natasha listen. I was gonna tell you so many times. It's just that I really like you, and I didn't want you you see, people seem to respond differently to Raymond. He's always been "the funny one, the smart one, the favored one."
Marie: We've never shown any favoritism. [Robert closes the door]
Robert: See, you got to understand I've always wondered what it would be like to be Raymond. And it was even better than I thought it would be because I met you.
[Frank and Marie saddle over to the window and slowly open it]
Natasha: I can't believe this. You didn't have to do that! I liked you!
Robert: Really?
Natasha: But not anymore. This is so humiliating.
Robert: I hear ya.
Natasha: And what did you think, I was some Ray Barone "groupie"? You know what? Goodbye whoever you are!

Frank: [chuckles] It's- It's not you. It's that she said, "Ray Barone groupie."
Ray: All right, Dad.
Frank: That's got to be a pretty small group. All you got left is her. [points to Marie] I'll say this, Robert. You're scaring off a better class of broad.
Robert: Always there for me, Dad.