Robert: Her name's Natasha. She's pretty, she's got a great personality. I'm tellin' ya, Raymond, we really hit it off.
Ray: Yeah, all right. So then what happened, you ran out of singles?
Robert: Will ya stop? Will you just stop already? I'm tellin' you she really liked me. There was just one little problem.
Ray: What?
Robert: It- It's really not a problem. I shouldn't even use the word "problem." It's just a minor, minor, minor thing.
Ray: All right, what? What is it?
Robert: She thinks I'm you.

Ray: Whoa, whoa! You met a woman who thinks that you're me?
Robert: Yeah, well, I'm at the bar, right, and she spills her drink on me, and we start talking, and I'm telling you, we really connected. I was actually quite charming. And the bartender passes me a towel, right? And he goes, "Here you go, Mr. Barone." And we're in a sports bar, so she just assumes I'm Ray Barone from New York Newsday!
Ray: And you didn't correct her?
Robert: She seemed so happy to meet you. She's a big fan of yours. Yeah, but listen, you can't- Whoa! A hot woman is a big fan of mine?
Robert: I couldn't believe it, either.
Ray: Did she mention any particular column?
Robert: Well, she did say something about a "Cal Ripken" profile just before we... Bah-bah bah-bah bah-bah!
Ray: No! No! Come on, first night?
Robert: Big fan!
Ray: Ha! I did get a lot of good feedback on that piece.
Robert: You certainly did.

Ray: Look, man, you've got to set her straight. This is not right, what you're doing.
Robert: I know. But I really like her, and I don't want to blow this. I just have to pick the right time to tell her. I got to lay the ground work.
Ray: Make sure you do it because it's wrong, man. It's wrong, what you're doing.
Robert: I know.
Ray: All right. So how hot was she?
Robert: Oh, Raymond so out of your league.
Ray: Oh. Oh, I love when they're out of my league.

Ray: Hey, hey, hey let me ask you while you were did she say my name or anything?
Robert: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Ray: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I cross over some moral line, Ray?
Robert: All right. Just suffice to say she was really into you.
Ray: Ah! Great! I finally have sex, I'm not even there!

Robert: I swear to God I was gonna tell her last night. I-I just want to make sure that she knows what a great guy Robert is, see? I'm trying to get her to fall for me.
Ray: Yeah, like she's gonna dump me for you?
Robert: You watch. I'm slowly making the transfer. I build up who Robert is the kind, compassionate police officer and I downplay the shallow, heartless sports writer until she says, "Gee, Ray, I wish you were more like your brother," and then, ta-da!
Ray: Ta-da! You're a psychotic liar! Just tell her the truth.
Robert: I'm gonna.
Ray: Tonight.
Robert: But there's ground work.
Ray: Psychotic!

Ray: Hey, let me help you sort some of this stuff out, Ray.
Wendi: Excuse me, do either of you have change for a dollar?
Ray: Uh, no. No, I don't. But you know what? My brother, Ray Barone probably does. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you probably do, right? He's a top sports writer over at "Newsday." So what do you say? Can you help her out, Ray Barone?
Robert: I think I might have change.
Ray: Oh, yes. Top writer at "Newsday" is gonna have plenty o' change.
Wendi: Thanks. So this guy must be the president of your fan club.
Ray: [chuckles] No, no. No, I'm just his brother, Robert, that's all. You know, but I am proud of his accomplishments. Yeah, you bet I am. You two go back to what you were doing. You work out that change thing. Yeah, go ahead.

Wendi: So you're Ray Barone.
Robert: Uh, yes. Yes, I am.
Wendi: My father loves your column.
Robert: Well, thank you.
Ray: So does my father. And his father, 'cause 'cause we're brothers. Yeah, all right. Let's do laundry! [whispers to Robert] Hey, it works. Raybert works!
Robert: All right. But I like Natasha.
Ray: Oh, you can't tie Raybert down like that.
Robert: Hey, Raybert may be two guys, but he's a one-woman man.

Robert: So you you're using number seven. There's a great agitator in there!
Wendi: Okay.
Robert: L- Listen, tell your dad if he ever wants to talk sports, I'd be happy to.
Wendi: That's so nice. Thanks. I'm Wendi.
Robert: I'm still Ray. [chuckles] [Ray chuckles]
Wendi: I'll see you around the building.

Ray: I gotta tell ya, that was wild watching that! It's like I invented a world where ladies want Ray!
Robert: Bert! Raybert!
Ray: Yeah, yeah. Raybert, Raybert. Listen, with your availability and my mystique, we we're unstoppable!
Robert: All right, but you have to understand we may have unleashed an awesome power here. But with that power comes responsibility.
Ray: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You got to start working on my wardrobe.

Natasha: I'm Natasha. Is Robert here?
Debra: Uh, no not at the moment.
Natasha: Well, I met him this morning-
Marie: You met Robbie?!
Natasha: Yes.
Marie: Did you like him?
Natasha: Sure, he seems very nice.
Marie: He is very nice. I'm his mother.
Debra: Marie!
Marie: What? I'm interested in my son's friends. What's your last name, Natasha?
Natasha: Leonetti.
Marie: [gasps] Italian!
Natasha: Well, on my father's side.
Marie: Good enough! Come on in, dear.