Debra: I thought you were dreading this thing.
Ray: I am dreading it. The war part.
Debra: "The war part." What else is there?
Ray: Well, there's my father. It's the weirdest thing. At first, I just wanted to get asked. You know, we never did stuff together, me and him. Now I just kind of want to go with him.
Debra: Really?
Ray: Yeah. War makes people do crazy things.

Frank: I was just about to show Robert how to act when you get shot.
Ray: What, like upset?
Frank: No. No, it's got to be realistic. Here. Here, let me show you. Robert, make a gunshot noise.
Robert: What caliber, .22 or .45?
Frank: Ray.
Ray: Bang.
Frank: [groans] I'm hit. Keep fighting, men. Kill those rebel bastards. Abigail. Dear Abigail, my pretty, young, non-nagging Civil War wife. Oh, Abigail! See? Getting shot is fun.
Ray: Not if you're watching.

Robert: You all right, Dad?
Frank: Sure, sure, thanks.
Frank: See? That's what the Civil War is about. Families coming together.
Ray: To kill other families.
Frank: Amen.
Robert: Hey, you know what just occurred to me? If someone really dies, you don't find out about it till the car ride home.

Ray: Hey, look at this old pocket knife. It's got initials on it: "A.B." Who's A.B.?
Frank: Albert Barone, my father.
Robert: Oh, yeah. He gave that to you?
Frank: Yeah, yeah.
Ray: Pretty cool. When did he give you this?
Frank: We were always camping, hiking, canoeing. Guess he gave it to me on one of those trips.
Ray: Oh, yeah? This is history. I can take this on the reenactment with me.
Robert: No, no. They had no knives like this during the Civil War. Everything has to be completely authentic. See these pants? No zipper.
Ray: Good luck with that.

Frank: The South's short of a few guys so you're going to have to fight on their side. [Robert chuckles]
Ray: South? Come on, I don't want to fight on the South. I want to be with you guys at this thing.
Harry: A rebel in a Union camp? That is out of the question, soldier.
Ray: I'm not a rebel! Come on, I don't know those guys. I'm going to be all shy.
Harry: Don't make me slap you.
Ray: I'm never going to pass for a Southerner, okay? What if they hear me talk?
Robert: Maybe they'll hang you as a spy.
Harry: Robert, want to give me a hand? I have a cannon in the trunk of my car.
Robert: Sir, yes, sir!
Ray: Wait. Robert, talk to this guy, will you? I don't want to fight for the South. I can't eat grits and say "y'all."
Robert: I like you on the other side. It's more authentic. Brother against brother. [whistles "Battle Hymn of the Republic"]

Ray: Dad, you sure I can't be on your side at this thing?
Frank: I told you, the South's a few guys short. Look, try yanking from the heel, okay?
Ray: I kind of thought I'd be on your side in this thing, you know? With you.
Frank: Look, I know what you're worried about. If we should come face to face out there, I'll just shoot you in the hand, all right? Ah, you're twisting. What's the matter with you?
Ray: Either I'm on your side in this thing, or I'm not gonna go.
Frank: You can't desert now.
Ray: There's no desert, Dad. There's no war here! It's just dressing up in costumes like it's Halloween with your friend Harry/Jeb.
Frank: You shut up now. This means something to us. There's camaraderie here. There's spirit. You don't understand anything about this! You have no idea what it feels like to stand on a battlefield pretending to fight for something you believe in!

Ray: Look, I'm not talking about that, Dad.
Frank: Then why do you want to go?
Ray: Believe it or not, to be with you! Why can't you do something with me for once?
Frank: What are you talking about? We do stuff.
Ray: What do we ever do, Dad?
Frank: I can't believe you're giving me all this grief just because you're not on my side in this thing. I'm sorry I asked you to go.
Ray: You didn't ask me to go.
Frank: Yes, I did!
Ray: No, you didn't!
Frank: I said, "Do you want to go?"
Ray: Yeah, you said, "Do you want to go?" Not, "Do you want to go, because I want you to go."
Frank: Oh, my God. You are going to get passed around the campfire like a bag of chips.

Marie: Debra, you've got to see this. Come on.
Robert: We're just here to say farewell to our kinfolk.
Debra: Ray, your ride's here.
Ray: Listen, if I don't come back, it's because I died of embarrassment.
Debra: [as a Southern Belle] Well, I do declare, you look so very fine in your uniform. I believe I've got the vapors.
Ray: Where were you last night?

Ray: Hey, kids, when I come back from the war we're gonna go to The Happy Zone, right?
Ally: I hope you win, Daddy.
Robert: Don't bet on it, kid.
Debra: Hey, Ray, here, sign this card for the baby shower.
Ray: Sorry, got to go.
Debra: Come on, what am I going to tell Tom and Mary Anne?
Ray: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Ray: I got to lie here all afternoon?
Robert: It's got to be authentic.
Ray: What authentic? Stonewall Jackson's wearing a beeper.
Robert: His wife's pregnant.