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‘Everybody Hates Caruso’ Quotes Page 1 of 4

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Caruso

302. Everybody Hates Caruso

Aired October 8, 2007

When a kid finally stands up to Caruso, Chris learns that the only thing worse than a school controlled by a bully is a power vacuum. Meanwhile, Julius has five days paid vacation but that's not going to stop him working.

Quote from Chris

Bernard Yao: I'm failing math. I got work to do. I don't have time for this.
Chris: Wait, you're not good at math?
Bernard Yao: What, just because I'm Asian, I have to be good in math? You're Black, can you moonwalk?
Chris: I didn't mean it like that. And, no, I can't moonwalk.
Bernard Yao: So, I can't use chopsticks.
Chris: I don't like watermelon.
Bernard Yao: I can't make a swan out of paper.
Chris: I don't have sickle cell anemia.
Bernard Yao: I don't own a dry cleaners.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I bet you like rice.

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Quote from Julius

Drew: Man, I wish I could take a week off. I need a vacation.
Julius: What for? You're a kid. Your whole life's a vacation. This is a waste of time. I should be working.
Rochelle: You got five paid vacation days. Paid, Julius.
Julius: Yeah, but they're paying me for a 40-hour week. I average close to 70. If you think about it, I'm actually losing money.
Rochelle: Then don't think about it.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Baby, get some rest. Pay attention to your health for a change.
Julius: There's nothing wrong with my health.
Rochelle: You got the gout, high blood pressure, arthritis, a bad back, the sniffles, an ingrown toenail, seborrhea, psoriasis, a strained ligament, dyspepsia and gastric reflux.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother was making a lot of sense. Unfortunately, all my father heard was...
[fantasy:]
Rochelle: You got the light bill, the gas bill, the phone bill, the heat bill, the water bill, car note, taxes, insurance, food, rent, clothes, heating, cooling, washing, drying...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother thought it was work that gave my father stress. But she was wrong. It was debt.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After two years at Corleone, I felt like things had finally started to turn around. My grades were okay, I liked most of my teachers and I had made friends... Make that, a friend. But he was a good one. There was only one problem that wasn't going away.
Joey Caruso: [punches Chris] Morning, Cocoa Puffs. [Greg runs away]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Caruso had made my life a living hell. He had beaten my ass every day and nothing kept him away.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not a 104 degree fever...
[Caruso is in a bath robe as he slowly walks towards Chris, takes the thermometer out of his mouth, and punches Chris in the face]
Joey Caruso: [sneezes]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] ...and not even a national holiday.
[When Chris opens the door of his house, Caruso is dresses as Uncle Sam]
Joey Caruso: Happy Fourth of July, Sammy. [punches Chris]

Quote from Chris

Chris: You need to stand up to Yao.
Joey Caruso: Are you crazy? He hit me in the eye with a Siberian flying tiger. I couldn't see straight for three days.
Chris: So? When I first came to this school, you smacked me around. But I stood up to you. [flashback to the fight] And you smacked me around some more. [another flashback]
Joey Caruso: So what's your point?
Chris: You see, every superhero needs a villain. I mean, where would Superman be if it wasn't for Lex Luthor? He'd be at the Hall of Justice watching super TV. [sighs] And the Fantastic Four, where would they be if it wasn't for Dr. Doom? At the circus. [toilet flushing] The reason you need to stand for yourself is because I need you. The school needs you. And unless you want to spend the rest of the school year slinking around and being scared to let me kick the crap out of you, you need to stand up for yourself.
Joey Caruso: You really think I can beat him?
Chris: I don't think so, I know so.

Quote from Chris

Joey Caruso: Look, I-I got to go.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Chris: [slams Caruso against his locker] You want to act like a punk, I'm gonna treat you like a punk. Give me your lunch money, Opie.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] First time I was scared he wouldn't hit me.
Joey Caruso: All right, here. Just leave me alone.
Chris: Well, that didn't work.
Greg: So now what?
Chris: Well, we got his lunch money. Let's go get a pizza and think about it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We got a pizza, but eight different bullies took a slice.

Quote from Greg

Greg: You're probably right. You wearing a cup?
Chris: What? No. Are you?
Greg: Every day. [removes cup] You want to borrow it?
Chris: No, I'm okay, thank you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg's cup was actually a thimble.
Greg: It's your funeral.

Quote from Greg

Greg: So FYI, my sources tell me that Yao likes using the upstairs bathroom by the art room.
Chris: What sources? What are you, Spenser for Hire?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I guess that makes me Hawk.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The next few days at school were the best I'd ever had at Corleone. For the first time Caruso didn't knock the books out of my hand when he passed me.
Joey Caruso: Hi, Chris.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He didn't shove me in a locker.
Joey Caruso: Hi, Chris.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And the only name he called me was mine.
Joey Caruso: Hey, Chris.

Quote from Greg

Chris: All clear.
Greg: It's like there's not enough of you to go around, man. I haven't seen anger and violence like this since my custody hearing.
Chris: Me neither. Well, at least outside my neighborhood.

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