Julius: Whoa! Who used up all the hot water? It's five degrees outside. What you trying to do, kill me?
Rochelle: Chris said it was cool when he took a shower earlier.
Julius: Oh! The hot water heater's probably broken again.
Rochelle: You think you can fix it?
Julius: I'm already holding it together with duct tape and hangers.

Tonya: Drew. Drew. Drew! [slaps Drew]
Drew: Ow! What'd you do that for?
Tonya: How do you spell "Malibu."
Drew: M-A-L-I-BOO? Are you still writing that stupid Christmas list?
Tonya: It's not stupid.
Drew: Yes, it is. Everybody knows there's no Santa Claus, Tonya.
Tonya: That's not true. And it's not stupid. You're stupid.

Rochelle: Now what are y'all arguing about?
Drew: Nothing.
Tonya: Drew said there's no such thing as Santa Claus.
Rochelle: What are you talking about, boy? [slaps Drew's head] Of course there's a Santa Claus, baby.

Tonya: How come you say my list is stupid?
Drew: Because, everybody knows there's no Santa Claus. Come here, let me show you something.
Tonya: Where are we going?
Drew: I'm taking you to the toys. Santa doesn't come down the chimney. We don't even have a chimney, we have radiators. Have you ever heard of Santa Claus coming through radiators?
Tonya: But how can we have our toys already if I haven't even finished my list?
Drew: Because.

Julius: Rochelle!
Rochelle: Julius!
Julius: [subtitle] I make a little bit of money. Why are you trying to give it away?
Rochelle: [subtitle] I'm not having those people thinking we're BROKE!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My parents tried not argue in front of the kids, so instead, they just made faces.
Julius: [subtitle] We are broke!
Rochelle: [subtitle] They don't know that!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They make curse out faces, too, but we can't show you those.

Rochelle: Hey, Chris. Um, baby, look, I know you've been looking forward to getting that new Walkman for Christmas.
Julius: And, Chris, I've always wanted my kids to have a better Christmas than I had growing up. But the older you get, the more you learn about the sacrifices you have to make.
Chris: Sacrifices?
Julius: Uh... Uh... Like not getting a new pair of work boots so you kids can have shoes.
Rochelle: Or like taking the subway to work so your wife can use the car.
Julius: [subtitle] I said I'd get you a car!
Rochelle: [subtitle] I didn't say NOTHING!

Chris: Mom, Dad, I'm 13.
Julius: Well, you're not getting a present for Christmas.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He said that like we're out of bacon.
Rochelle: We got to buy a new water heater.
Chris: Well, then, we need a plan to tell Drew and Tonya.
Julius: Tell them what?
Chris: That they're not getting any presents for Christmas.
Rochelle: Who said they weren't getting anything for Christmas?
Chris: Wait, they're getting stuff and I'm not?
Julius: You're older, Chris. They wouldn't understand.
Chris: Am I gonna get anything?
Rochelle: Oh, baby, you'll be able to use up all the hot water you want.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] So all I'm getting is a clean ass?
Julius: Steaming hot.

Greg: So you're not getting anything for Christmas?
Chris: Nope.
Greg: Man, nothing for Christmas? Isn't that considered child abuse?
Chris: Sure does feel like it.
Greg: They're at least gonna put something in your stocking, right?
Chris: Maybe some leftover sausage.
Greg: There's got to be a law against this.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After that, my mother gave me the one gift she could afford: she was really nice to me! Who needs Christmas when all your wildest dreams come true?
Rochelle: Chris gets the big piece.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I got the big piece of chicken.
Julius: [eating a tiny chicken wing] Merry Christmas.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't have to do any chores.
Rochelle: Tonya, wash the dishes.
Tonya: I thought Chris had to do 'em.
Rochelle: You thought wrong.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I got Tonya in trouble.
Chris: Ow! Ow! Mama, Tonya hit me twice.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It felt so good, I was thinking what life would be like if I never got a present.
Rochelle: Get up and let your brother watch TV.
Drew: But Mom?
Rochelle: But nothing! Get up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wondered what I could get if the roof caved in.
Chris: Hey, Drew, can you pass me the remote?
Drew: Yeah, right.
Chris: Ma!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I couldn't believe how good I had it.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Tonya didn't believe anything.
Tonya: Mama, is cornbread made of corn?
Rochelle: Hmm... no. I think it's made of cornmeal. Why?
Tonya: Just checking.