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Everybody Hates Christmas

‘Everybody Hates Christmas’

Season 1, Episode 11 -  Aired December 15, 2005

When the water heater breaks in the run up to Christmas, Julius and Rochelle tell Chris he won't be getting a present this year. Meanwhile, Drew ruins the magic of Christmas for Tonya.

Quote from Chris

Tonya: Chris, what are you putting on your list?
Chris: I'm not writing a list. That's for kids.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wasn't writing a list, because the only thing I wanted was a portable cassette player. Having a Walkman meant you could even listen to bad music and nobody had to know.
[flashback to Chris sitting on a bench next to a middle-aged man who is listening to a Walkman:]
Man: [sings] Shout, let it all out
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Unless you were dumb enough to sing along.
Man: [sings] These are the things I can do without Come on I'm talking to you Come on.
[present]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I had been leaving that ad all over the house, so I was pretty sure my mother got the hint.
[Rochelle finds an ad for a Walkman taped to a frozen chicken, underneath the iron, and even in one of her hair curlers]

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Quote from Joey Caruso

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since I only wanted one gift, I knew I'd get it. This was going to be the best Christmas ever.
Joey Caruso: Happy Kwanza, Kunta Kinte.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Well, maybe not ever.

Quote from Greg

Chris: I'm getting a Walkman.
Greg: No way.
Chris: It's the only thing I've been asking for.
Greg: Man, I would kill for one of those. You're so lucky.
Chris: How come your dad doesn't get you one?
Greg: Censorship. He wants to makes sure he can hear the music I'm listening to.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] First rap was fun, then rap was gun.
[fantasy: two cops are arresting Greg, who is wearing a do-rag]
Greg: Let me go, you bitches. You're punks, both of you. West Side! West Side!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Years later, Greg played some Ice Cube and his own father shot him.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Well, will we still have enough money to but Christmas presents?
Julius: I thought you finished shopping.
Rochelle: Well, I bought a few things for Drew and Tonya, but I have got to get that Walkman for Chris. I mean, he's been giving me hints and clues since Thanksgiving.
Julius: Man, these kids get too many gifts on Christmas. When I was a kid, instead of buying gifts, my father used to call the cops on Christmas and tell us the house got robbed.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In order to make extra money for Christmas, my father would do any job.
[cut to Julius driving a cab:]
Julius: That'll be $30.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He worked as a cab driver.
[The passenger is wearing a balaclava and pointing a gun at Julius]
Julius: That's okay.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was easy for him to pick up odd jobs for extra money when he needed it.
[The passenger runs out of the cab]
Julius: Merry Christmas.
[cut to Julius combing a man's jacket:]
Julius: Lint roll, sir?
Man: Yeah.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He worked as a lint roller.
Man: Thank you.
[cut to Julius stood in front of a car with a can of oil:]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He even worked as an oil taster.
Julius: This is 10W30. You need 10W40.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now that's a father.

Quote from Rochelle

Drew: You're stupid.
Tonya: You're stupid.
Rochelle: [o.s.] Drew, stop calling your sister stupid!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother had amazing hearing. We couldn't do anything in our house without her hearing it.
[flashback: in the bathroom, Chris accidentally drops a bag of cotton balls on the floor. Rochelle is in the kitchen:]
Rochelle: Chris! Quit throwing cotton balls all over the place!

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tonya wasn't the only one having a bad day.
Chris: Is there something wrong?
Rochelle: Have a seat, baby.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The last time they asked me to sit down before they told me something, The Jackson Five broke up.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Tonya, like Mommy told you, there is a Santa Claus.
Tonya: So how come there's a room upstairs full of presents?
Rochelle: Who told you that?
Tonya: Drew showed me.
Rochelle: Drew, get in here!
Drew: Yes, Mom?
Rochelle: Did you show Tonya the presents upstairs?
Drew: Yeah.
Rochelle: We need to talk.
Drew: Uh... Uh... No. Hold on, Momma. No, no.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother talked about beating us all the time, but the only time she ever beat us is when she said she wanted to talk. And she talked the hell out of Drew that night. [Drew screams]

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Oh well, what's all this stuff?
Chris: I got it from my teacher. She thinks that we're underprivileged and starving.
Rochelle: Oh, no. Mm-mmm. Absolutely not. I'm not going to have them people thinking that we don't have anything to eat.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She wasn't too proud to take those olives.
Chris: Where you going?
Rochelle: I'm taking this to put some more food in it, 'cause you're taking this back to school tomorrow.

Quote from Tonya

Drew: Hey, Chris, you want to go ride my bike with me outside later?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] By "later," he meant summer.
Chris: Yeah, sure.
Tonya: Hey, Chris you can have this. [gives him the game "Checkers"]
Chris: You sure?
Tonya: Yeah. I'm sure.
Julius: Baby, that's nice.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what I thought, too.
[flash-forward:]
Tonya: Yes! I won again! In your face!

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