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‘Everybody Hates Christmas’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Christmas

111. Everybody Hates Christmas

Aired December 15, 2005

When the water heater breaks in the run up to Christmas, Julius and Rochelle tell Chris he won't be getting a present this year. Meanwhile, Drew ruins the magic of Christmas for Tonya.

Quote from Tonya

Rochelle: Tonya, I thought you were gonna put up the decorations.
Tonya: I don't want to now.
Rochelle: Why not?
Tonya: Because... you and Daddy lied to me.
Rochelle: We lied to you? About what?
Tonya: I know there's no such thing as Santa Claus.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When my mother heard Tonya say those words, it was like she wasn't her baby anymore.
[fantasy:]
30-year-old Tonya: So what else to you lie to me about? Are you really gonna kick me out if I get pregnant? Is it true you ain't taking care of no baby? Can I really not bring a White boy home? Does the Foreman Grill really knock out the fat? Can I really get a loan with no money down? Are you my real mother? Momma, I want answers.

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Quote from Julius

Julius: Hey, man. What you doing?
Chris: I'm taking canned goods to school for the needy.
[cash register sounds as Julius inspects the assorted cans]
Julius: Man, that's $2.89 cent worth of food. What you trying to do, feed the needy or be the needy?

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Class, since this is the season of giving, I'd like you all to bring in canned food items, so we can donate them to those less fortunate. [places her hand on Chris's shoulder]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It's funny how most people only think about feeding the needy during Christmas. I'm sure there's a lot of hungry people during Presidents Day. [Chris raises his hand]
Ms. Morello: Yes, Chris?
Chris: Do we have to bring in cans? Can we bring in, like, boxes of food?
Ms. Morello: You don't have to bring anything, but that's very thoughtful of you. I know this time of year must be hard for your family.
Chris: No. We're doing fine.
Ms. Morello: I know. I know.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She made it seem like we were having a bowl of steam for dinner that night.

Quote from Rochelle

Chris: Mama, we're having a food drive at school. Can I bring some canned goods?
Rochelle: Okay. But don't take generic brands. Only store brands. I do not want those people thinking we can't afford to donate food.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother would give away all the food we had if she thought it would prove we didn't need it.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Oh, Chris, look at you. You didn't have to bring any food. Sometimes I forget how strong your people are.
Chris: What do you mean how strong my people are?
Ms. Morello: "What do I mean how strong your people are?" You shall overcome someday. See me after class. I have something for you.
Chris: Okay.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Do I look like Malcolm X to you, lady? How would you like to overcome a brick?

Quote from Julius

Julius: Leave your sister alone. Drew, you believed in the Easter Bunny till you was about her age, and Chris, you damn near lost all your teeth before you stopped believing in the Tooth Fairy.
[After Rochelle signals for Julius to knock it off, he realizes what he's done]
Tonya: There's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy, either?
Julius: Uh...
Rochelle: No, baby, he-he-he didn't mean that.
Tonya: Somebody better give me my teeth back.
Julius: Baby, I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it!
Rochelle: Julius! I can't believe-
Tonya: I want my teeth back!
Julius: Baby, no-
Rochelle: Tonya!
Julius: We were joking! It's a joke! It's a... It's a joke!

Quote from Tonya

Tonya: But if Santa Claus is not real, why do people make it up?
Rochelle: Tonya, Santa is just a way to teach kids about the spirit of giving. He's just a symbol, that's all.
Tonya: Oh.
Rochelle: Tonya, you're a big girl, and, now that you're old enough to know the truth, it's your responsibility to not spoil it for other kids, okay?
Tonya: Because you want to give them something to believe in.
Rochelle: Exactly. That's my big girl. [kisses her forehead] So, you do understand.
Tonya: Yeah. It's okay to lie. Good night, Mommy.
[flash-forward:]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You think explaining Santa Claus to Tonya was hard, you should have been there for the birds and the bees.
Tonya: Eww, that's nasty!

Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Nobody ever seems to get any sleep on Christmas Eve. Everybody's up for different reasons.
Julius: What you doing, baby?
Tonya: Setting out milk and cookies.
Julius: We talked about this.
Tonya: We did and they're not for Santa. They're for you.
Julius: Thank you, baby.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now that Tonya knew there wasn't a Santa Claus, her complaints went directly to my mother.
Tonya: Mama, I wanted a Cabbage Patch Doll with long hair.
Rochelle: How about you have no doll with no hair?
Tonya: Oh, thank you.
Rochelle: Okay.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Adult Chris: [v.o.] By the end of the day, it didn't even matter anymore that I didn't have a gift, because I had a good day.
News Anchor: [on TV] And right now, I'm with Mrs. Vivian Morello.
Chris: Hey, that's my teacher.
News Anchor: [on TV] And what are you doing tonight?
Ms. Morello: [on TV] Every year, my students collect food for the very poorest, most destitute and neediest families. These people are so poor, they probably don't have anything but the clothes on their backs. Even though they're embarrassingly underprivileged, they're just too proud to ask for help.
News Anchor: [on TV] Too proud to ask for help.
Ms. Morello: [on TV] And they're poor. And tonight, we're going to give a family this basket.
Rochelle: Now, who wants somebody coming to their door on TV talking about how poor they are?
News Anchor: [on TV] So exciting.
Rochelle: [doorbell rings] Hmm, I'll get it.
[Rochelle opens the door to Ms. Morello, the news anchor and a cameraman]
Both: Merry Christmas!
Rochelle: Chris!

Quote from Chris

Tonya: Chris, what are you putting on your list?
Chris: I'm not writing a list. That's for kids.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wasn't writing a list, because the only thing I wanted was a portable cassette player. Having a Walkman meant you could even listen to bad music and nobody had to know.
[flashback to Chris sitting on a bench next to a middle-aged man who is listening to a Walkman:]
Man: [sings] Shout, let it all out
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Unless you were dumb enough to sing along.
Man: [sings] These are the things I can do without Come on I'm talking to you Come on.
[present]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I had been leaving that ad all over the house, so I was pretty sure my mother got the hint.
[Rochelle finds an ad for a Walkman taped to a frozen chicken, underneath the iron, and even in one of her hair curlers]

Quote from Joey Caruso

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since I only wanted one gift, I knew I'd get it. This was going to be the best Christmas ever.
Joey Caruso: Happy Kwanza, Kunta Kinte.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Well, maybe not ever.

Quote from Greg

Chris: I'm getting a Walkman.
Greg: No way.
Chris: It's the only thing I've been asking for.
Greg: Man, I would kill for one of those. You're so lucky.
Chris: How come your dad doesn't get you one?
Greg: Censorship. He wants to makes sure he can hear the music I'm listening to.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] First rap was fun, then rap was gun.
[fantasy: two cops are arresting Greg, who is wearing a do-rag]
Greg: Let me go, you bitches. You're punks, both of you. West Side! West Side!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Years later, Greg played some Ice Cube and his own father shot him.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Well, will we still have enough money to but Christmas presents?
Julius: I thought you finished shopping.
Rochelle: Well, I bought a few things for Drew and Tonya, but I have got to get that Walkman for Chris. I mean, he's been giving me hints and clues since Thanksgiving.
Julius: Man, these kids get too many gifts on Christmas. When I was a kid, instead of buying gifts, my father used to call the cops on Christmas and tell us the house got robbed.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In order to make extra money for Christmas, my father would do any job.
[cut to Julius driving a cab:]
Julius: That'll be $30.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He worked as a cab driver.
[The passenger is wearing a balaclava and pointing a gun at Julius]
Julius: That's okay.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was easy for him to pick up odd jobs for extra money when he needed it.
[The passenger runs out of the cab]
Julius: Merry Christmas.
[cut to Julius combing a man's jacket:]
Julius: Lint roll, sir?
Man: Yeah.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He worked as a lint roller.
Man: Thank you.
[cut to Julius stood in front of a car with a can of oil:]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He even worked as an oil taster.
Julius: This is 10W30. You need 10W40.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now that's a father.

Quote from Rochelle

Drew: You're stupid.
Tonya: You're stupid.
Rochelle: [o.s.] Drew, stop calling your sister stupid!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother had amazing hearing. We couldn't do anything in our house without her hearing it.
[flashback: in the bathroom, Chris accidentally drops a bag of cotton balls on the floor. Rochelle is in the kitchen:]
Rochelle: Chris! Quit throwing cotton balls all over the place!

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tonya wasn't the only one having a bad day.
Chris: Is there something wrong?
Rochelle: Have a seat, baby.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The last time they asked me to sit down before they told me something, The Jackson Five broke up.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Tonya, like Mommy told you, there is a Santa Claus.
Tonya: So how come there's a room upstairs full of presents?
Rochelle: Who told you that?
Tonya: Drew showed me.
Rochelle: Drew, get in here!
Drew: Yes, Mom?
Rochelle: Did you show Tonya the presents upstairs?
Drew: Yeah.
Rochelle: We need to talk.
Drew: Uh... Uh... No. Hold on, Momma. No, no.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother talked about beating us all the time, but the only time she ever beat us is when she said she wanted to talk. And she talked the hell out of Drew that night. [Drew screams]

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Oh well, what's all this stuff?
Chris: I got it from my teacher. She thinks that we're underprivileged and starving.
Rochelle: Oh, no. Mm-mmm. Absolutely not. I'm not going to have them people thinking that we don't have anything to eat.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She wasn't too proud to take those olives.
Chris: Where you going?
Rochelle: I'm taking this to put some more food in it, 'cause you're taking this back to school tomorrow.

Quote from Tonya

Drew: Hey, Chris, you want to go ride my bike with me outside later?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] By "later," he meant summer.
Chris: Yeah, sure.
Tonya: Hey, Chris you can have this. [gives him the game "Checkers"]
Chris: You sure?
Tonya: Yeah. I'm sure.
Julius: Baby, that's nice.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what I thought, too.
[flash-forward:]
Tonya: Yes! I won again! In your face!

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