
‘Everybody Hates Chain Snatching’
Season 2, Episode 16 - Aired February 26, 2007
Chris doesn't know what to do when Malvo demands he snatch a chain. Meanwhile, Rochelle discovers Julius has a secret credit card, and Tonya tries to win Billy Ocean tickets.
Quote from Adult Chris
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was so good at sneaking around, I thought about joining the CIA.
Malvo: Hey!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or maybe the D.O.A.
Malvo: I got a question for you boy. What is today?
Chris: Wednesday?
Malvo: Nah. Today is two days after the day before yesterday.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Malvo was an idiot savant. 98% idiot, two percent savant.
Quote from Rochelle
Julius: Rochelle, I couldn't tell you about it.
Rochelle: Why not?! Do you know how many times we could have used it?!
Julius: That's why I couldn't tell you about it. I didn't want another bill, baby.
Rochelle: Oh, oh, okay, Mr. Responsibility, Mr. Fiscally Conservative, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide things From His Wife, answer this for me: since you're so against credit cards, why do you have one?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Ask your friends at the beauty shop.
Quote from Tonya
Drew: Why do you keep calling that station, Tonya? You're not going to win. Why don't you just quit?
Tonya: Shut up. Oh, it's ringing!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tonya wasn't just waiting for concert tickets. She was waiting for Billy Ocean tickets. And she would wait as long as it took.
[flash-forward to 2005:]
42-year-old Drew: Dang, girl, you still trying to get Billy Ocean tickets?
40-year-old Tonya: Yeah. He's opening for Usher at the Beacon.
Quote from Julius
Chris: Well, you know my friend Greg? He has a problem and I want to help him.
Julius: What kind of problem?
Chris: Well, there's this guy who wants him to snatch a chain for him.
Julius: Snatch a chain? That's stealing. People work hard for what they have. Thief, murderer, it's all the same in my book.
Chris: Right. Which is why he doesn't want to do it. But, if he doesn't, the guy is going to beat him up.
Julius: But, if he does, he's going to go to jail. He's going to get beat up anyway. So he can get beat up for breaking the law, or beat up for not breaking the law. But, at least, if he doesn't break the law, the other guy will go to jail, and he'll get beat up instead.
Adult Chris: Huh?
Chris: So should he snatch the chain or not snatch the chain?
Julius: Not snatch the chain.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Why didn't you just say that?
Chris: Well, thanks. I'll tell Greg what you said.
Julius: Why didn't Greg ask his own father for help?
Chris: 'Cause he didn't know what he was going to do.
Julius: Well, tell him don't do nothing stupid.
Quote from Drew
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew didn't know what it felt like to lose, but he hated the way it looked on Tonya.
Drew: Give me the phone.
Host: [on radio] Hey. What's your name?
Tonya: Tonya.
Host: Tonya? Hey, I'm sorry to tell you this, baby, but... you're caller number 98! You're going to see Billy Ocean!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew was so lucky, one time a horse tried to take his shoe for good luck.
Quote from Rochelle
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, when my mother was upset with my father, she would do everything mad, like mad-folding...
Rochelle: Lying to me 15 years! Hiding a credit card!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And mad-cooking.
Rochelle: Got some woman spending money I'm supposed to be spending!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And mad-sleeping.
Rochelle: Buying somebody else real leather...
Quote from Rochelle
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Letting the storm subside wasn't working, so my father had to walk into the eye of the hurricane.
Julius: Rochelle, I don't want you be mad at me.
Rochelle: Hmm. Should have thought about that 15 years ago. Why am I always the last to know? Here I am, worried about where you are, what you're doing, and who you're doing it with. You're supposed to be my man. You turn out being The Man from U.N.C.L.E.
Quote from Julius
Julius: I can explain. Look, 15 years ago, I was flat broke and needed money.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's no different than 15 seconds ago.
Rochelle: Mmm-hmm.
Julius: The department store was giving these things away.
Rochelle: Huh, really? Did they give you tips on where to hide it?
Julius: I bought one thing, and it took seven years to pay off.
Rochelle: Well, what about the other eight years, Julius?
Julius: Every time I tried to cancel the card, they just sent me a new one and raised the limit.
Rochelle: Okay, Mr. A+ on your FICA score, what did you buy that was so important that I had to wait 15 years to find out about?!
Julius: Your wedding ring.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] For the first time in 15 years, my father got my mother to shut up.
Julius: I'm sorry. I should have told you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Here's what he really wanted to say:
[fantasy:]
Julius: Hah! In your face! You wrong, you wrong, you wrong and I am right! [grunting] I'm right, I'm right.
Quote from Adult Chris
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And, out on the street, I had finally gotten my nerve up.
Malvo: You got my chain?
Chris: No. I'm not getting you one either.
Malvo: Boy, you think I'm playing with you?!
Julius: Let him go.
Malvo: Who you supposed to be?
Chris: Dad, it's okay.
Malvo: Dad?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He wasn't surprised that was my father. That was just the first father he had ever seen.
Quote from Chris
Chris: Dad, how did you know I was talking about me and not Greg?
Julius: Chris, White kids don't snatch chains.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Lucky for me, snatching chains was fading out. Unfortunately, it was replaced by a new crime carjacking.
Chris: Vanessa, look out!
[Vanessa screams and drives off]
Car Jacker: Man, you owe me a car!