Woody: I can't believe I was just on 14 channels, saying I like this stuff when I really hate it.
Cliff: No, that's, uh, 15 channels, Woody. Everybody always forgets Lifetime.

Sam: Woody, wait a minute now. It can't be that bad here. Let's take a look at the ingredients. "Water, broccoli, cauliflower and kale."
Frasier: Well, maybe it just sounds bad in black and white. [takes a sip] Kale was not a good idea.

Sam: No, Woody, hold on a second. Listen, sometimes lying can be good. I remember when I was playing for the Sox. One day there was a rumor going around that a backup catcher was about to be cut. Everybody knew about it except him. We found out on the exact day that was his birthday. He came up to me and he said, "Sam is it true? Am I going to be cut from the team?" And I looked him right in the eye and I said, "No. Happy birthday." And that guy went off and had the best birthday of his life. And as it turns out, the next day he wasn't even cut.
Woody: So it's better that you lied to him. Wow. That's a great story, Sam. You've given me a lot to think about. Thanks. [walks away]
Sam: Yeah, no, thank you.
Frasier: Sam, is, uh... Is that stuff really true?
Sam: Well, most of it. Yeah. It wasn't the catcher, it was me. And, uh, I was cut. And the fellas didn't have any problem telling me about it. But it was my birthday.
Woody: Happy birthday, liar.

Rebecca: Where's Woody?
Carla: He's in the poolroom hating himself for lying.
Rebecca: Oh, I thought he'd gotten over that.
Carla: Yeah, well, he's trying, but somebody keeps reminding him every five minutes. Hey, Pinocchio! It's 5:00, do you know where your commercial's playing?
Lilith: Carla, that's just a little bit sadistic, isn't it?
Carla: Yeah, but I like Woody.

Man: Excuse me, could I get some service?
Woody: Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. What can I get you?
Man: What do you recommend?
Woody: What's the difference? You wouldn't believe me anyway. I'm just an incorrigible liar pumping a handcart to hell.
Frasier: Woody, why are you torturing yourself like this?
Woody: Because I deserve it. I lied to America. I lied to that all-important 18-35 year-old target group.

Woody: I feel like I've been asleep for a hundred years. Did it work?
Frasier: Well, there's only one way to find out. Sam, set us up.
Sam: Yeah, I got a couple left here. [chuckles]
Frasier: Now watch, Lilith, and all the rest of you naysayers. So, how is this new drink, Veggie-Boy?
Woody: [drinks] I like it.
Sam: Yeah, right.
Woody: No, no, I really like it! I love it! Boy, you know, I'm not a liar anymore.
Norm: All right!
Woody: Mmm. Oh, you can really taste the kale. You know what this means? Now that I'm not a liar anymore, I can take that envelope and I can cash that check at the bank and I can just spend it all on Veggie-Boy! Whoo!

Rebecca: I think it means they're not going to make Veggie-Boy anymore. I guess nobody liked it.
Woody: How could they not like it? It's broccoli, cauliflower and kale! Has America gone mad?
Norm: Wood, um, it's not that great, okay?
Woody: Shut up, Mr. Peterson. Don't talk bad about Veggie-Boy!
Lilith: Nice work, Dr. Frankenstein.
Woody: They're stopped making it, how am I gonna get it? I need my Veggie-Boy. This is all there is? This isn't even gonna last me through the night!
Frasier: Woody, let's go back in the office.
Woody: I know, I know. I can take this to a lab and have it analyzed. I can make my own. You know, I've got a blender.
Sam: Woody.
Woody: I'll move back to Indiana. I'll grow kale!
Frasier: Woody, watch the watch.
Woody: Get that watch out of my face, old man. I've got crops to plant!

Norm: New napkins, huh?
Sam: New napkins.
Cliff: What's this, huh? Oh, look. There's some kind of brain teaser on them.
Carla: Yup. You're out of luck.

Sam: So, Jill, it's great to meet such a talented actress. Is there anything I can look forward to seeing you in, like my shower?
Jill: [laughs] You're really funny, Sam. Did you ever think of doing standup?
Sam: Well, there's always a first time for everything, I guess.

Norm: This is spectacular!
Cliff: Yeah, magic of the movies, huh, Normie?
Norm: No. The magic of the doughnut table! Look at these. Got your, uh, glazed, you got your chocolate, you got your buttermilk. Hey, who sucked all the filling out of this Bavarian creme?