Cliff: Time's up, Coach.
Norm: So, did it work, Coach?
Coach: No, Cliff, I was trying to flex my gall bladder, but I remembered it's in Providence.

Dick Cavett: Say, has it ever occurred to you that there might be public interest in your life story?
Sam: Oh, you mean because of my baseball career and my battle against alcohol and the irony of owning a bar now?
Dick Cavett: Right.
Sam: Never crossed my mind.
Dick Cavett: How about this? Type out 50 pages, submit it to me, and I'll show it to a publisher. They're always looking for a good story.
Sam: Hey, that's great! Why are you doing this for me?
Dick Cavett: Well, I like to encourage young writers you know. Especially one who has the potential of being inferior to me.

Sam: Guys, did you hear that? Mr. Cavett's gonna help me get my life story published. Diane, did you-
Diane: The man was just starting to fall under the thrall of my poetry when you distracted him with your own miserable life.
Sam: Sweetheart, it wasn't anything like that. It was his idea.
Diane: Well, it's still ridiculous. Sam, the written word is very special to me. To you, it's nothing more than a means of finding the men's room.
Sam: Whoa, whoa, come on. I wrote pretty good in high school.
Diane: You didn't write "pretty good". You wrote pretty well.
Coach: Gee, I wish she'd make up her mind.
Sam: Wait a second. I got an idea. You're a pretty good... well writer. Why don't you- Listen, why don't you help me write this thing? Please?

Cliff: Moonglow, huh?
Norm: Yeah, we wrestled together in high school.
Wally: Yeah, and in a state tournament, his opponent accidentally yanked off Norm's trunks.
Norm: Don't laugh. That's how I first caught Vera's eye.

Carla: Who was that on the phone?
Norm: It was Wally Bodell. I guess he didn't like my little prank.
Cliff: Oh, why, what did you do, Norm?
Norm: Told the cops he was holding dope. You'd think the guy had never been strip-searched before. What a sorehead.

Coach: Normie, how could you do a thing like that, huh?
Norm: The guy's getting on my nerves. He's really putting the moves on Vera. Every time I drive by the house, his damn car's in the driveway.
Cliff: So he's coming down here now, huh?
Norm: Yeah, we're gonna talk things over a little bit.
Carla: Good idea, Normie. You have a little talk, you punctuate it with a fist in his face.

Sam: What did you think?
Dick Cavett: Well, I thought the writing was competent. A little undisciplined in places but still, it has a certain energy to it.
Diane: Oh! Thank you.
Dick Cavett: I take it you're Sam's co-author? Miss Jessica Simpson-Bourget?
Diane: Diane Chambers. I was only hiding behind that nom de plume until I made sure that you liked it. I did just find that out, didn't l?
Dick Cavett: How can I put this, Jessica?

Sam: What do you say we get started here, huh?
Diane: Started on what?
Sam: Well, on what Mr. Cavett was talking about here. Spicing this thing up.
Diane: Sam, I'm not going to have my first published manuscript be a memoir full of luridities.
Sam: No, sweetheart, I think what he was talking about was...
Diane: I know what he was talking about.
Sam: Oh, come on, Diane. If we get published, this could mean a whole new life for me. For you, too.
Diane: Well... No, I would never prostitute my talents that way.
Sam: Well, would Jessica Simpson-Bourget?
Diane: That little smut peddler? In a minute.
Sam: I got some paper in the office.
Diane: OK. If they want steam, I'll give them steam. I'm going to use every weapon in my literary arsenal to make their tongues hang out in unbridled desire.

Carla: Norm. He's here.
Cliff: Here comes Black Bart and this town ain't big enough for both of ya. Of course, what town is.

Wally: You wanted to see me, Moonglow?
Carla: Go get him, Norm.
Norm: Yeah, I wanted to just talk.
Carla: Talk's cheap. Throw some hands.
Cliff: He wants you to leave his woman alone.
Wally: You don't like me seeing Vera, huh?
All: No!
Norm: I'm not real wild about it, frankly.
Wally: There's something you ought to know, Norm. I like Vera a lot.
Norm: Yeah? How did you like the state trooper with the icy hands?
Wally: It had its moments. You know, you're as big a dink as you were in high school, Peterson.