Sam: Say, you know, that cheesecake can be pretty fattening. You got any ideas how we could work it off?
Claudia: May I say something to you, Sam?
Sam: Please.
Claudia: You know, the first few times that we went out, I thought you were coming on a little strong. I now miss those gentler times.
Sam: Claudia, trust me. You're about to come upon the gentlest time that you've ever known.
Claudia: Good Lord, Sam.
Sam: What? That was good.

Claudia: I'm afraid we're just not what each other's looking for.
Sam: All right, maybe you're right. Oh, wait, listen, here. I wanna wish you a happy life. As happy as you can be without me. [laughs] Oh, come on. There are no hard feelings here, are there?
Claudia: No, no, on the contrary. I'm glad that this happened. Because I feel that everything, no matter how degrading and humiliating, should be experienced at least once in life.
Sam: Well, wait a second, here, Claudia. Let's talk about this. Claudia.

Diane: Well, as long as we're talking about transparent plans, why don't you just admit that you brought that clone of me here because you are still hung up on me.
Sam: Are you kidding me? There is only one reason why you came back here.
Diane: Because you asked me.
Sam: I asked you, you begged to come back. I mean, we're splitting hairs here.

Woody: Sam, Melville's want to know if you still want that cheesecake.
Sam: Yes, I want that cheesecake. Tell them I'll be right up. I'm gonna go up and have that cheesecake all by myself. It's going to be the best company I've had all evening.
Diane: Indeed.
Sam: Unless maybe you wanna come along and make the evening a complete disaster.
Diane: I wouldn't have cheesecake with you if you were the last man on Earth and it was the last morsel of food.
Sam: I'm getting kind of used to eating by myself anyway.
Diane: Well, it is delicious cheesecake. Does your offer include coffee?
Sam: Maybe.
Diane: And a refill?
Sam: Don't push it.

Diane: Sam, I am sorry that you had to eat alone.
Sam: That's okay. What did you guys talk about anyway?
Diane: Well, we talked about the postmodernists and the trend away from minimalism in literature.
Sam: All of a sudden, my table doesn't seem so bad after all.

Mr. Clavin: Hey, listen, tell me about Cliffie. You guys know him a lot better than I do. Is he really as nice a guy as he seems?
Norm: Oh, you bet.
Woody: And smart too. One of the smartest guys I've ever met.
Norm: And dependable. You call Cliff at 4:00 in the morning, he's there.
Carla: Where the hell else would he be?
Woody: Hey, Mr. Clavin, do you have the gift of gab like your son?
Mr. Clavin: No, it comes from his mother's side. She's the real yapper in the family. My God, she gets rolling, she's like a hyena on bennies.

Cliff: Hey, Dad, come on. Time's a-wasting. What do you say we go out and get a set of matching tattoos?
Mr. Clavin: Cliffie, I gotta get cracking. I got a plane to catch.
Cliff: Come on, Dad. So much time, you know, we haven't talked. We don't know about each other.
Mr. Clavin: Cliffie. I just had a terrific idea.
Cliff: Oh, yeah? What's that, Dad?
Mr. Clavin: Why don't you come to Australia with me.
Cliff: Australia? I don't know if I can leave all this, Dad. You know, my friends, my job.
Mr. Clavin: You can make new friends, and you don't need a job.
Cliff: What?
Mr. Clavin: Cliffie, I got a lot of dough stashed away. We could live like kings.
Cliff: Well, I need time to think about it.
Mr. Clavin: There's no time, Cliffie. I've got to go now.

Cliff: What's the rush?
Mr. Clavin: Cliffie, I have got to get out of this country as fast as I can.
Cliff: What's going on, Dad?
Mr. Clavin: Okay, listen. I'll level with you. You're my son. I can trust you. My business has gotten me in a little trouble with the law.
Cliff: What kind of business is that?
Mr. Clavin: Real estate fraud.
Cliff: Dad, that's illegal.
Mr. Clavin: Oh, good, I'm not going too fast for you. Now, listen, come on, Cliffie, you gonna come with me?
Cliff: No, no, look, Dad, I can't let you do this. Look, how about you give the money back, throw yourself at the mercy of the court. They'll let you off with a slap on the wrist, 10 years max.
Mr. Clavin: Ten years? Come on, Cliff, grow up, will you. We're talking about heavy cake here. Now, I want you to come. Are you gonna come or no?
Cliff: Well, how do you know I'm not gonna turn you in, huh?
Mr. Clavin: Cliffie, you're not gonna turn in your own father. I know that and you know that.
Cliff: Yeah, you're right, Dad.
Mr. Clavin: All right, I had a couple beers. I'm gonna make one more stop and then I'm gone.

Cliff: Give me the phone.
Norm: What's wrong?
Cliff: My old man's a crook. He's leaving the country one step ahead of the law.
Carla: You're not gonna rat on your old man!
Norm: Think about this, will you.
Cliff: I've got nothing to think about now. [on the phone] Information? Yeah, give me the federal authorities. I don't know. Somebody in charge of rotten daddies. [hangs up] I can't do it. I've aided a fugitive from justice. I'm a disgrace to my uniform.
Carla: Hey, come on. Come off it, Clavin. You didn't disgrace anything. You can't turn the old guy in because you love him. Now, anyone would understand that.
Cliff: Thank you, Carla. You're right. I do love him. Matter of fact, I think I'll go give him a big hug right now.
Norm: Oh, Cliffie, I think it might be a little uncool to hug him in the men's room, you know?
Cliff: I guess you're right, Norm. Oh, what the heck. I can't wait. It's the longest we've been apart all day.