Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Barstoolie’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: The Barstoolie

410. The Barstoolie

Aired December 5, 1985

Cliff's absentee father tracks him down after years apart. Meanwhile, Diane bonds with Sam's intelligent, cultured date.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam, two Beefeater martinis, please. [Sam hums] Well, you're just bubbling with energy. Oh, you must've mastered the childproof cap on your Flintstones vitamins.

Rate

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Oh, yeah, and after all, the game of billiards was invented by the ancient Phoenicians, Norm. Well, however, it did gain newfound popularity after a group of Benedictine monks invented felt.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Evening, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes, but I'll settle for a beer.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: It's obvious, isn't it? My father didn't trust me, so he gave me the slip out of the bathroom window. Guess I'll just go home.
Carla: Well, you're ruling out the other possibility.
Cliff: What other possibility?
Carla: Well, it's a little-known fact, but more and more people have been going into men's rooms and vaporizing. I mean, just disappearing into thin air. It's an unexplained phenomenon.
Norm: It's kind of like the Bermuda Triangle.
Carla: That's right.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get serious, will you.
Carla: Have it your way.
Cliff: Well, you know, however, this much is true, you know. There's been recent sightings of human beings being shot up into the underbelly of alien spacecraft. You know, and speaking of the Bermuda Triangle, it's not technically a triangle.
Woody: It's not?
Cliff: Heck, no! It's a trapezedo-rhomboid. They're perfect for attracting Martian spacecraft.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Why don't you just admit you're nuts about me and you can't stand me going out with other women so you try to eliminate the competition.
Diane: Sam, your hormones have staged a coup d'tat on your brain.
Sam: No, no, no. Don't try to distract me with hormone talk.

Quote from Diane

Woody: Okay, Mr. Peterson, it's your turn to send a tape-recorded hello to my folks back home.
Norm: I don't know what to say here, Woody.
Cliff: Well, just hurry it up, will you, Normie? I've got some audio gems that'll have them howling in the old Hoosier state.
Woody: Okay, just let me find the end of Miss Chambers' message here.
Norm: All righty.
Diane: [on tape] Your son is a hardworking young man. You should be proud. We at Cheers certainly are. And what's more-- [fast forwarding]
Woody: I think it's a little further along here.
Diane: [on tape] I believe it was Elizabeth Barrett Browning who said-- [fast forwarding] Now let me tell you a little bit about myself. [fast forwarding]
Norm: All right, fill me up, Woody. I think we're in here for a while.

Quote from Carla

Woody: Boy, Sam, I wish I could read women like you. I mean, I can never really tell when a woman likes me.
Carla: Well, Woody, women give off different subtle signs of interest. Me, I stand there naked with a rose in my teeth.
Woody: I'll watch for that one.

Quote from Norm

Woody: Okeydokey, Mr. Peterson, found the end of Miss Chambers' message. It's ready to go.
Norm: Uh, hi, folks. This is Norm. [tape clicks]
Woody: Oh, no, that's the end of the tape. I'm sorry you didn't get to leave your whole message.
Norm: That was the whole message.
Woody: Oh, thanks.

Quote from Norm

Woody: So how was the Hungry Heifer?
Norm: Ugh, it wasn't too good.
Woody: No? Well, what'd you have?
Norm: Well, I got the chef's special ribs.
Woody: That sounds pretty good.
Norm: That's what I thought, but the chef just came out and made fun of my tie.

Quote from Carla

Norm: So Cliffie and his dad not back yet?
Woody: Oh, no, they had very big plans. Mr. Clavin wanted to spend the evening getting to know his son.
Carla: Yeah, and the rest of his life trying to forget.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Well, I know how these father/son relationships can be. I remember my dad didn't want me to get serious with Vera. He had heard that she had loose morals.
Sam: You're kidding me.
Norm: Actually, he got the story wrong. Turns out she had loose molars.

Quote from Sam

Carla: Sam, you're out of your mind.
Sam: Hey, please. I may look stupid, but I'm way ahead of her. Give me some credit for having brains, will you? [talks into the wrong end of the phone receiver] Hello. [on the phone] Hello. Yeah, this is Sam Malone. I made a reservation for two at 7:00. I wanna make sure it's an intimate table that seats only two. Yeah, and there'll be a third person coming along, but I wanna make sure that she's seated far away. Yeah, no, no. The farther the better. In fact, do you have something in Bombay? Goodbye. [hangs up]
Carla: You're a genius.

Quote from Sam

Claudia: Look, Sam, I know this date hasn't turned out the way you planned it. Well, maybe we could still salvage something of the evening. Maybe we could go someplace for dessert.
Diane: If I might make a suggestion, why don't you two go upstairs to Melville's. They have great cheesecake.
Sam: I have a better idea. Why don't we go over to my place for a little Sammy's jubilee.
Carla: Hey, the beer distributor, he says there's some problem with next month's order.
Sam: Well, let him talk to Woody. Woody handled it last month.
Carla: I think that's the problem.
Sam: Damn. [to Claudia] All right, listen. We'll go up to Melville's for your cheesecake, but then we're going to my place for your beefcake.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Boy, next to Sammy's life, my life sure looks dull, doesn't it? Next to a barnacle my life seems dull.

Quote from Cliff

Woody: You two look like you've been having a heck of a time. What did you do?
Cliff: It'd be better to ask what we didn't do.
Mr. Clavin: Yeah.
Norm: How about if we just withdrew the question.
Cliff: Well, we caught the first quarter of the Celtics game, went down to the petting zoo. It was night, but we peeked over the fence. Then we went fishing in the Charles and Dad took me to the all-night barber's to get a haircut.
Mr. Clavin: Yeah, next time he's gonna get them all cut. Then later over a hot dog, we had a little father-and-son talk about the birds and bees. Yeah, well, I already knew about that stuff.
Cliff: There was one thing that was a little bit shocking. [both laugh]

Quote from Carla

Norm: Carla, you know, for a minute there, you treated Cliff as if he was a human being.
[Carla grabs Norm by the underwear]
Carla: What you are experiencing is a half-Melvin. You breathe one word of this and I am going to give you a full-Melvin.
Norm: I think we understand each other.

Quote from Sam

Sam: [catches olive in mouth] Scored again. Yeah, I guess I'll be saying that a lot tonight.
Woody: You got an evening of romance planned, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, I sure do.
Diane: Who's the bimbo du jour?
[Norm and Cliff rise from their stools and point to a woman]
Sam: That's the girl, all right. Claudia's been a tough nut to crack. But tonight's the night she's gonna be enjoying all the rides in Sammy's magic kingdom.
Diane: She's in for a Mickey Mouse evening with Goofy as her guide.

Quote from Sam

Woody: So, Sam, what signal is your date giving you?
Sam: Not only is Claudia mentally undressing me, she's mentally fixing me breakfast the next morning.

Quote from Sam

Sam: I'm sorry this is taking so long here. I hope you're not getting bored.
Claudia: Oh, no. I enjoy watching you work.
Sam: I'm glad to hear that. You know, I've got some mirrors at home. We can both watch.

Quote from Cliff

Sam: [answers phone] Yeah. Yeah, as a matter of fact he is. Hold on one second, will you. Cliffie, telephone.
Carla: Somebody wants to talk to Cliff?
Norm: Cliffie. This is a first, bud. I don't think anyone's ever called you here before.
Cliff: Yeah, I know who this is. It's a tootsie on my route who's been eyeing the cut of my jib through her Levolors. Her old man's probably out of town, she's looking for a little C.O.D.: Cliffie on demand. I know how to handle this babe. [takes the phone] Hello. Listen, I never wanna speak to you again as long as I live. Goodbye. [hangs up]
Norm: Cliff, who was that?
Cliff: That was a man who has the nerve to call himself my father.
Carla: He'd have to have nerve to admit that.
Sam: Are you still carrying a grudge?
Cliff: Damn straight. How would you feel if your father deserted you at the formative age of 9?
Diane: Well, Cliff, don't you at least wanna hear what he has to say? Perhaps he's trying to make amends.
Cliff: No way. I don't wanna have anything to do with that bum.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode