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The Barstoolie

‘The Barstoolie’

Season 4, Episode 10 -  Aired December 5, 1985

Cliff's absentee father tracks him down after years apart. Meanwhile, Diane bonds with Sam's intelligent, cultured date.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam, two Beefeater martinis, please. [Sam hums] Well, you're just bubbling with energy. Oh, you must've mastered the childproof cap on your Flintstones vitamins.

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Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Oh, yeah, and after all, the game of billiards was invented by the ancient Phoenicians, Norm. Well, however, it did gain newfound popularity after a group of Benedictine monks invented felt.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Evening, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes, but I'll settle for a beer.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: It's obvious, isn't it? My father didn't trust me, so he gave me the slip out of the bathroom window. Guess I'll just go home.
Carla: Well, you're ruling out the other possibility.
Cliff: What other possibility?
Carla: Well, it's a little-known fact, but more and more people have been going into men's rooms and vaporizing. I mean, just disappearing into thin air. It's an unexplained phenomenon.
Norm: It's kind of like the Bermuda Triangle.
Carla: That's right.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get serious, will you.
Carla: Have it your way.
Cliff: Well, you know, however, this much is true, you know. There's been recent sightings of human beings being shot up into the underbelly of alien spacecraft. You know, and speaking of the Bermuda Triangle, it's not technically a triangle.
Woody: It's not?
Cliff: Heck, no! It's a trapezedo-rhomboid. They're perfect for attracting Martian spacecraft.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Why don't you just admit you're nuts about me and you can't stand me going out with other women so you try to eliminate the competition.
Diane: Sam, your hormones have staged a coup d'tat on your brain.
Sam: No, no, no. Don't try to distract me with hormone talk.

Quote from Diane

Woody: Okay, Mr. Peterson, it's your turn to send a tape-recorded hello to my folks back home.
Norm: I don't know what to say here, Woody.
Cliff: Well, just hurry it up, will you, Normie? I've got some audio gems that'll have them howling in the old Hoosier state.
Woody: Okay, just let me find the end of Miss Chambers' message here.
Norm: All righty.
Diane: [on tape] Your son is a hardworking young man. You should be proud. We at Cheers certainly are. And what's more-- [fast forwarding]
Woody: I think it's a little further along here.
Diane: [on tape] I believe it was Elizabeth Barrett Browning who said-- [fast forwarding] Now let me tell you a little bit about myself. [fast forwarding]
Norm: All right, fill me up, Woody. I think we're in here for a while.

Quote from Carla

Woody: Boy, Sam, I wish I could read women like you. I mean, I can never really tell when a woman likes me.
Carla: Well, Woody, women give off different subtle signs of interest. Me, I stand there naked with a rose in my teeth.
Woody: I'll watch for that one.

Quote from Norm

Woody: Okeydokey, Mr. Peterson, found the end of Miss Chambers' message. It's ready to go.
Norm: Uh, hi, folks. This is Norm. [tape clicks]
Woody: Oh, no, that's the end of the tape. I'm sorry you didn't get to leave your whole message.
Norm: That was the whole message.
Woody: Oh, thanks.

Quote from Norm

Woody: So how was the Hungry Heifer?
Norm: Ugh, it wasn't too good.
Woody: No? Well, what'd you have?
Norm: Well, I got the chef's special ribs.
Woody: That sounds pretty good.
Norm: That's what I thought, but the chef just came out and made fun of my tie.

Quote from Carla

Norm: So Cliffie and his dad not back yet?
Woody: Oh, no, they had very big plans. Mr. Clavin wanted to spend the evening getting to know his son.
Carla: Yeah, and the rest of his life trying to forget.

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