Norm: Well, I know how these father/son relationships can be. I remember my dad didn't want me to get serious with Vera. He had heard that she had loose morals.
Sam: You're kidding me.
Norm: Actually, he got the story wrong. Turns out she had loose molars.

Carla: Sam, you're out of your mind.
Sam: Hey, please. I may look stupid, but I'm way ahead of her. Give me some credit for having brains, will you? [talks into the wrong end of the phone receiver] Hello. [on the phone] Hello. Yeah, this is Sam Malone. I made a reservation for two at 7:00. I wanna make sure it's an intimate table that seats only two. Yeah, and there'll be a third person coming along, but I wanna make sure that she's seated far away. Yeah, no, no. The farther the better. In fact, do you have something in Bombay? Goodbye. [hangs up]
Carla: You're a genius.

Claudia: Look, Sam, I know this date hasn't turned out the way you planned it. Well, maybe we could still salvage something of the evening. Maybe we could go someplace for dessert.
Diane: If I might make a suggestion, why don't you two go upstairs to Melville's. They have great cheesecake.
Sam: I have a better idea. Why don't we go over to my place for a little Sammy's jubilee.
Carla: Hey, the beer distributor, he says there's some problem with next month's order.
Sam: Well, let him talk to Woody. Woody handled it last month.
Carla: I think that's the problem.
Sam: Damn. [to Claudia] All right, listen. We'll go up to Melville's for your cheesecake, but then we're going to my place for your beefcake.

Norm: Boy, next to Sammy's life, my life sure looks dull, doesn't it? Next to a barnacle my life seems dull.

Norm: Carla, you know, for a minute there, you treated Cliff as if he was a human being.
[Carla grabs Norm by the underwear]
Carla: What you are experiencing is a half-Melvin. You breathe one word of this and I am going to give you a full-Melvin.
Norm: I think we understand each other.

Woody: You two look like you've been having a heck of a time. What did you do?
Cliff: It'd be better to ask what we didn't do.
Mr. Clavin: Yeah.
Norm: How about if we just withdrew the question.
Cliff: Well, we caught the first quarter of the Celtics game, went down to the petting zoo. It was night, but we peeked over the fence. Then we went fishing in the Charles and Dad took me to the all-night barber's to get a haircut.
Mr. Clavin: Yeah, next time he's gonna get them all cut. Then later over a hot dog, we had a little father-and-son talk about the birds and bees. Yeah, well, I already knew about that stuff.
Cliff: There was one thing that was a little bit shocking. [both laugh]

Sam: [catches olive in mouth] Scored again. Yeah, I guess I'll be saying that a lot tonight.
Woody: You got an evening of romance planned, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, I sure do.
Diane: Who's the bimbo du jour?
[Norm and Cliff rise from their stools and point to a woman]
Sam: That's the girl, all right. Claudia's been a tough nut to crack. But tonight's the night she's gonna be enjoying all the rides in Sammy's magic kingdom.
Diane: She's in for a Mickey Mouse evening with Goofy as her guide.

Woody: So, Sam, what signal is your date giving you?
Sam: Not only is Claudia mentally undressing me, she's mentally fixing me breakfast the next morning.

Sam: I'm sorry this is taking so long here. I hope you're not getting bored.
Claudia: Oh, no. I enjoy watching you work.
Sam: I'm glad to hear that. You know, I've got some mirrors at home. We can both watch.

Sam: [answers phone] Yeah. Yeah, as a matter of fact he is. Hold on one second, will you. Cliffie, telephone.
Carla: Somebody wants to talk to Cliff?
Norm: Cliffie. This is a first, bud. I don't think anyone's ever called you here before.
Cliff: Yeah, I know who this is. It's a tootsie on my route who's been eyeing the cut of my jib through her Levolors. Her old man's probably out of town, she's looking for a little C.O.D.: Cliffie on demand. I know how to handle this babe. [takes the phone] Hello. Listen, I never wanna speak to you again as long as I live. Goodbye. [hangs up]
Norm: Cliff, who was that?
Cliff: That was a man who has the nerve to call himself my father.
Carla: He'd have to have nerve to admit that.
Sam: Are you still carrying a grudge?
Cliff: Damn straight. How would you feel if your father deserted you at the formative age of 9?
Diane: Well, Cliff, don't you at least wanna hear what he has to say? Perhaps he's trying to make amends.
Cliff: No way. I don't wanna have anything to do with that bum.