Carla: Hey, Sam, if you wanna have fun tonight, you'd better bring along a yo-yo.

Cliff: Hey, smells like something good cooking up there at old Melville's, huh?
Coach: Yeah, I wonder what it is, Norm. [eats bar snacks]
Norm: Well, that would be cream of watercress soup, Coach. Followed by baked mussels lightly coated with tarragon butter and topped off by a fine raspberry torte. [eats bar snacks]
Cliff: You know, fine gourmet cooking is truly one of the greatest pleasures of life.
Norm: Absolutely.
Cliff: Coach, what's the expiration date on these?
Coach: [eats bar snacks] Yesterday.
Cliff: We'd better hurry.

Carla: Hey, Sammy. How about I throw the scuzzball out of here?
Sam: No. Diane would be furious.
Carla: I was talking about Diane.

Sam: Ah. So you've come to say goodbye, or, as the French say, ta-ta.
Diane: No. I've come to tell you that Sumner has gone.
Sam: He has?
Diane: Carla threw him out.
Sam: You don't mean to say you chose me over him?
Diane: I flipped a coin.
Sam: You let a coin decide this?
Diane: Yeah. I told Sumner heads I was going to walk in here to you. Tails I was going to run in here to you.

Sam: Well, you're nuts, you know that? I mean, the guy is... is brilliant. He's charming, sophisticated.
Diane: Yeah? If you hurry, he's yours.
Sam: Why did you pick me?
Diane: You read War And Peace.
Sam: So did he.
Diane: You did it for me. I think it was harder for you. Call it a hunch.
Sam: It was no day at the beach, I'll tell ya.

Carla: Hey, I thought you guys were at the baseball game.
Cliff: Ah, we left in outrage.
Norm: They gave us a hard time, asked us to change seats.
Coach: Why did they ask you to change seats?
Cliff: Oh, get this. We're out in centerfield, we took off our shirts to get some sun. They said the glare off Norm was blinding the batters.
Norm: Can I help it if I have alabaster skin?
Cliff: It's all right, Norm. Baseball should be played at night anyway.

Sam: Hey, you guys. What's happening?
Coach: Oh, there's someone waiting to see Diane in the men's room.
Diane: Oh, Coach. Sometimes, you get your participles in the wrong place.
Coach: Yeah, well, I slept on my stomach last night.
Carla: He's right, slats. You do have company.
Diane: [screams]
Coach: Diane, please. He's very sensitive about his face.

Diane: [to Sumner] You said you'd be right back. That was a year ago.
Sam: Well, you know the traffic in Boston.

Norm: Don't worry about it, Sam.
Sam: I'm not worried.
Norm: There's no reason to be. You and Diane have a great thing going. Besides, any girl choosing him over you would have to be crazy.
Cliff: Oh, yeah.
Norm: You think he's got her undressed yet? Joking, joking.

Diane: Before you go on, let me say first that I've gotten over you. So I hope for your sake you didn't come to get me back.
Sumner: I didn't.
Diane: Oh good.
Sumner: I'm still with Barbara, but I want desperately to win you back as a friend, Diane. I haven't been able to live with the thought of someone in the world hating me.
Diane: I don't hate you, Sumner.
Sumner: I can't even stand the thought of someone who thinks I'm a...
Diane: A creep? Well, you might have to live with that one. [laughs]
Sumner: My God. Even a trace of your laughter lights up a room.
Diane: Well, there are things about you that I have missed too. Sumner, let's cut the crap.
Sumner: Cut the crap? What have they done to you in this place?