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Homicidal Ham

‘Homicidal Ham’

Season 2, Episode 4 -  Aired October 27, 1983

Diane ignores Sam's advice when she tries to help her former homicidal blind date, Andy, get into acting.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hiya, Sam.
Sam: Hey, Carla. Did you just get pregnant in the last five minutes?
Carla: No. I could, but this is just stuffing.
Sam: Why?
Carla: Well, I'm a little short and my rent is due, and I found out they give better tips to pregnant women.
Coach: It's absolutely dishonest, Sam. I mean, you should tell her to get rid of it.
Sam: I can't do that, Coach. She's Catholic.
Carla: Hey, would you watch it? I'm in a family way here.
[To a woman at a table as Carla adjusts her "baby bump"]
Carla: The kid's going to be a swimmer.

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Quote from Carla

Cliff: [without moving] We've gotta help Sammy.
Norm: Why, what can we do?
Cliff: Uh, I don't know. Maybe we can jump the guy. He's not that big.
Norm: The gun is big. The gun's definitely big.
Carla: Maybe Diane could run in circles, flapping her arms, and draw his fire.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: [without moving] Carla, you stay out of this. Me and Norm will handle it.
Norm: Me. What do you want me to do?
Cliff: Norm, we gotta do something. Look, trust me. Statistics show that 33% of the time a guy carrying a gun will not use that gun if challenged.
Norm: So?
Cliff: Well, so, if he's already shot two people today, you're in luck. Now get him.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Would you look at that? Some idiot carved his initials on my bar.
Diane: It's his initials and his girlfriend's. It's sweet.
Sam: No. No, it's not sweet. It's destructive. I mean, who did that? SM plus DC. [Diane smiles] Diane?
Diane: I think it's romantic.
Sam: No, it's not romantic. It's stupid. If you want romantic, we could have our buns tattooed. Worth a shot.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Sam, may I speak with you for a moment, please? Don't you recognize that man? The ex-convict you paid to date me. Who murdered a waitress and fantasizes his hands are claws.
Sam: Oh, yeah. How do you happen to remember him? Of course I recognize him. His name is Andy something. So what?
Diane: So what is he doing here?
Sam: I don't know. He probably came in for a drink. People do that, you know. As soon as you hang a sign out that says "bar", you start getting that.

Quote from Diane

Sam: I called the cops. They're on their way.
Diane: Call them back and tell them not to come.
Sam: Got it. What? Why? Why am I doing that?
Diane: Sam, when Andy shoved that gun in your face, he was asking for help.
Sam: Oh, silly me. I thought he was asking for money.
Diane: He stands here as an embodiment of the failure of our penal system. This man doesn't belong in prison. Sam, we, mostly l, can save this man's life.
Sam: Well, how are we, mostly you, going to do that?
Diane: Never mind that now. Call off les gendarmes. Trust me.

Quote from Coach

Coach: What are you going to do now, Diane?
Diane: Well, I happen to know Professor Sebastian DeWitt, America's foremost drama teachers. He can spot an actor a mile away.
Coach: Boy, that could come in handy at a drive-in.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Andrew, listen to me. Now, you want to be an actor, and I have some experience as a student director in school. We're going to do a scene-
Sam: Diane.
Diane: Later, Sam. Later. Now, if I think you're good enough, a very big if, but if you are, I will arrange for Professor DeWitt to see you perform. He has contacts at every theatre on the Cape.
Andy: Wow. Gee, Sam, I never expected this when I came in here to stick up your bar.
Sam: Well, you know the old saying. Use a gun, go to Cape Cod.

Quote from Diane

Andy: Diane,m why are you doing this for me after our last experience together?
Diane: Well, I understand what people in the acting world go through. I did a bit of acting myself in college.
Andy: Really? Well, maybe you could be in my scene with me. Were you good?
Diane: Well, I don't like to brag, but a lot of people love my work. At Bennington, they're still talking about my Tiny Alice.
Andy: Who wants a girl with a big Alice? [both laugh]

Quote from Diane

Diane: I know a book store that specializes in theatrical books. Let's go and pick up some plays. Sam, may I have half an hour off?
Sam: No.
Diane: Oh, you're right. I need an hour.

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