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‘Homicidal Ham’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Homicidal Ham

204. Homicidal Ham

Aired October 27, 1983

Diane ignores Sam's advice when she tries to help her former homicidal blind date, Andy, get into acting.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hiya, Sam.
Sam: Hey, Carla. Did you just get pregnant in the last five minutes?
Carla: No. I could, but this is just stuffing.
Sam: Why?
Carla: Well, I'm a little short and my rent is due, and I found out they give better tips to pregnant women.
Coach: It's absolutely dishonest, Sam. I mean, you should tell her to get rid of it.
Sam: I can't do that, Coach. She's Catholic.
Carla: Hey, would you watch it? I'm in a family way here.
[To a woman at a table as Carla adjusts her "baby bump"]
Carla: The kid's going to be a swimmer.

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Quote from Carla

Cliff: [without moving] We've gotta help Sammy.
Norm: Why, what can we do?
Cliff: Uh, I don't know. Maybe we can jump the guy. He's not that big.
Norm: The gun is big. The gun's definitely big.
Carla: Maybe Diane could run in circles, flapping her arms, and draw his fire.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: [without moving] Carla, you stay out of this. Me and Norm will handle it.
Norm: Me. What do you want me to do?
Cliff: Norm, we gotta do something. Look, trust me. Statistics show that 33% of the time a guy carrying a gun will not use that gun if challenged.
Norm: So?
Cliff: Well, so, if he's shot already shot two people today, you're in luck. Now get him.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Would you look at that? Some idiot carved his initials on my bar.
Diane: It's his initials and his girlfriend's. It's sweet.
Sam: No. No, it's not sweet. It's destructive. I mean, who did that? SM plus DC. [Diane smiles] Diane?
Diane: I think it's romantic.
Sam: No, it's not romantic. It's stupid. If you want romantic, we could have our buns tattooed. Worth a shot.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Sam, may I speak with you for a moment, please? Don't you recognize that man? The ex-convict you paid to date me. Who murdered a waitress and fantasizes his hands are claws.
Sam: Oh, yeah. How do you happen to remember him? Of course I recognize him. His name is Andy something. So what?
Diane: So what is he doing here?
Sam: I don't know. He probably came in for a drink. People do that, you know. As soon as you hang a sign out that says "bar", you start getting that.

Quote from Diane

Sam: I called the cops. They're on their way.
Diane: Call them back and tell them not to come.
Sam: Got it. What? Why? Why am I doing that?
Diane: Sam, when Andy shoved that gun in your face, he was asking for help.
Sam: Oh, silly me. I thought he was asking for money.
Diane: He stands here as an embodiment of the failure of our penal system. This man doesn't belong in prison. Sam, we, mostly l, can save this man's life.
Sam: Well, how are we, mostly you, going to do that?
Diane: Never mind that now. Call off les gendarmes. Trust me.

Quote from Coach

Coach: What are you going to do now, Diane?
Diane: Well, I happen to know Professor Sebastian DeWitt, America's foremost drama teachers. He can spot an actor a mile away.
Coach: Boy, that could come in handy at a drive-in.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Andrew, listen to me. Now, you want to be an actor, and I have some experience as a student director in school. We're going to do a scene-
Sam: Diane.
Diane: Later, Sam. Later. Now, if I think you're good enough, a very big if, but if you are, I will arrange for Professor DeWitt to see you perform. He has contacts at every theatre on the Cape.
Andy: Wow. Gee, Sam, I never expected this when I came in here to stick up your bar.
Sam: Well, you know the old saying. Use a gun, go to Cape Cod.

Quote from Diane

Andy: Diane,m why are you doing this for me after our last experience together?
Diane: Well, I understand what people in the acting world go through. I did a bit of acting myself in college.
Andy: Really? Well, maybe you could be in my scene with me. Were you good?
Diane: Well, I don't like to brag, but a lot of people love my work. At Bennington, they're still talking about my Tiny Alice.
Andy: Who wants a girl with a big Alice? [both laugh]

Quote from Diane

Diane: I know a book store that specializes in theatrical books. Let's go and pick up some plays. Sam, may I have half an hour off?
Sam: No.
Diane: Oh, you're right. I need an hour.

Quote from Diane

Sam: A minute ago you thought this guy was Jack the Ripper. Now you're going to go out browsing with him?
Diane: Now I know him. Sam, look at him. Does he look like a dangerous person?
Sam: The guy has done time.
Diane: He made one small mistake.
Sam: No, he made a big one. He's a murderer, Diane.
Diane: One murder does not a murderer make. OK, what I mean is, he's not a murderer at heart. Anyone who loves the theatre loves mankind.
Sam: Diane, I just don't think somebody should go out with a crazy person.
Diane: I can take care of myself.
Sam: No, I was talking about me.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Hie, thee, Andrew. Let us away.

Quote from Sam

Andy: Sam, I sense you are uneasy about one of your employees being in danger with me. Sam, my crime occurred a long time ago. I was a different person then. I had one terrible moment of temporary insanity. I'm much better now. I'm much healthier. I can't remember the last time I heard those voices.
Sam: Well, I'm glad. What voices?
Andy: Those shrill voices that used to sound like my... [sobs]... my... mummy.
Sam: Oh. Well, I'm glad you got it licked.

Quote from Norm

Diane: All right, boys, off, off. Andy and I can't hear ourselves rehearsing back there. Professor DeWitt will be here any minute. [turns the TV off]
Norm: [to Sam] I hope she's showing you one hell of a good time.

Quote from Diane

Professor DeWitt: Diane, it's certainly nice to see you again. I could never picture you as a waitress.
Diane: Professor, you forget I played a waitress in your production of Bus Stop.
Professor DeWitt: Yes, I know.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Andy, what's the matter?
Andy: You kissed him. I saw you.
Diane: Oh, that's all right. I guess it's no secret here. Sam and I have sort of a thing going.
Andy: But I love you... and you said you love me.
Diane: Oh, dear. No, I was speaking as a friend, Andy. If I gave you any other impression, I'm sorry. Really sorry. I do love you, as a friend. OK?
Andy: Sure.
Diane: You're not upset?
Andy: No, no.
Diane: You're not angry with me?
Andy: That's OK. I'll use it in my performance. "Yet she must die else she betray more men."
Diane: Wonderful. That was perfect.
Andy: [to himself] "Put out the light and then put out the light."

Quote from Diane

Diane: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to talent night at Cheers. [applause] This evening we are going to begin with a scene from William Shakespeare's Othello. I know that I don't have to explain the play to Professor DeWitt. [laughs] But it might be helpful to some of you if I explain what you are about to see.
Cliff: [goofy voice] Well, I wonder who she's talking about, Norm.
Diane: In this play, Andrew Schroeder, my discovery, will enact the role of Othello. This is the story of a man, driven by insane jealousy, to murder the woman he loves because he believes she loves another man. [Andy has a stern look on his face] The scene we are about to do is the scene in which Othello actually kills said woman, who will be portrayed by myself. [Diane looks nervously at Andy] Did I mention that I'm playing Desdemona? OK, so without further ado, the strang- [voice cracks] the strangulation scene. [walks towards Andy] But before we do, let's have a little background on the 16th Century. [audience groans]

Quote from Diane

Diane: All right. On with the play. In this scene, Desdemona is in bed, when Othello comes in, thinking, very mistakenly, I can assure you. He's completely off-base on this one. He'll be sick about it in the morning. Thinking that she has been unfaithful to him. Which, of course, she hasn't.
Andy: It is the cause. It is the cause, my soul. Let me not name it to you, you chaste stars. It is the cause. Yet I'll not shed her blood, nor scar that whiter skin of hers than snow.
Diane: There. Good. Well, it's agreed. No blood, no scarring, and that's the gist of our scene.
Cliff: Oh, come on, Diane! [audience groans]

Quote from Diane

Diane: Who's there? Othello?
Andy: Aye, Desdemona.
Diane: Will you come to bed, my lord? [Norm claps]
Andy: Have you prayed tonight, Desdemona? I would not kill thy unprepared spirit.
Diane: Talk- Talk you of killing?
Andy: Aye. I do.
Professor DeWitt: He's convincing. There's a real murderous intensity about him.
Diane: Then heaven have mercy on me.
Andy: Think on thy sins.

Quote from Sam

Coach: Sam, are you sure she's OK?
Sam: Yeah, sure. She's just acting, Coach.
Coach: Shouldn't you make sure?
Sam: Can you imagine what she'd say if I butted in on her Shakespeare scene?

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