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‘Sumner's Return’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Sumner's Return

205. Sumner's Return

Aired November 3, 1983

When Diane's ex-fiance, Sumner, returns to the bar and invites her out to dinner, she neglects to mention she's in a relationship with Sam.

Quote from Cliff

Sam: You know, Diane's right. I'm gonna embarrass her.
Cliff: Sammy, believe it or not, I think I have a simple solution to all this. Look, he's a literature professor, right?
Sam: Yeah, right.
Cliff: War And Peace is the greatest novel. You read it between now and Saturday, right? Drop in a few comments over dinner. You're off to the races.
Sam: "War And Peace"? This is a good book?
Cliff: Oh, yeah. They say the first 800 pages are a bit slow but it shoots off after that.
Sam: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second. What are talking about? I've got five days. How long is this book?
Cliff: Well, I've delivered a few for the book clubs and it's about three-and-a-half pounds paperback.
Coach: Forget it, Sam. Nobody can read four ounces a day.

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Quote from Norm

Sam: Oh, it's you guys. I thought it was Diane. Turn on the lights, will ya?
Norm: Hey. I've never been in here before. It's classy, Sam. Sammy, you know where I can get one of these? You know, Mother's Day's coming up.
Sam: Would you give me just a few minutes here? I've almost got it finished. What time is it?
Norm: How many beers have I had, Cliff?
Cliff: Uh... Eleven.
Norm: 8:05.

Quote from Sam

Sumner: Sam, sit down. You're creating a stir.
Sam: Hey, come on. Come on. I know what's been going on all evening. I mean, this stuff about Barbara being sick is a bunch of baloney. You set it up here to get your big fan back. Well, you got her. Way to go, guy.
Diane: Sam, please.
Sam: No, it's okay. It's all right. I see it all very clearly now. I got you on the rebound. You were just slumming with me between PhDs. Well, he's come for you. Go with him.
Diane: Sam.
Sam: I'll tell you something else, too. Before I read War And Peace again in five days just to impress some broad, it's gonna be a cold day in Minsk.

Quote from Sam

Diane: There's only one thing more romantic than you reading War And Peace for me.
Sam: What?
Diane: You reading War And Peace to me.
Sam: Oh, yeah? Well, it just so happens that I have a copy right here. You sit down right here, and I'll read to you. [Diane kisses Sam] Oh, that's nice. Here we go.
Diane: [takes the book] Let's go see the movie.
Sam: [shouts] There's a movie? Where's Cliff? I'll kill him! Cliff! I'll kill him!

Quote from Sam

Norm: How was dinner, Sammy?
Cliff: Hi, Sam.
Sam: Great. Great dinner. The food was French, the conversation was Greek. I spent the whole evening pretending I knew what they were talking about. Nodding my head like an idiot.
Coach: [nods] I see.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Oh, hi.
Sumner: I know you're surprised to see me. But let me tell you, it's taken every ounce of courage to show my face in here today.
Coach: Oh, come on. We get a lot of funny looking faces in here.
Sumner: You don't remember me, do you? I'm Professor Sumner Sloan. I came in several months ago with Diane Chambers. And to my shame, I deserted her here to go back to my ex-wife.
Coach: What can I get for you?
Sumner: I'll have a glass of white wine.
Coach: White wine.
Sumner: And over dinner last night, a mutual friend informed me that Diane works here. Is that correct?
Coach: Gee, I don't know. I wasn't at the dinner.
Carla: You slime. You are a total scuzzball. You're not fit to live with sewer rats.
Sumner: I can't defend myself.
Coach: My God, I thought she was talking to me.

Quote from Norm

Diane: Ssh. Don't say anything.
[Diane hides between the door. When Sam walks in, she sprays him with a water pistol]
Diane: Oh. I killed him.
Sam: There's only one thing that can save me. [they kiss]
Norm: I kind of miss the good old days when they threw up at the sight of each other.

Quote from Sam

Carla: Great, great work, Sammy. You just argued your way into spending Saturday night with three Dianes.
Norm: She's right. That Sumner guy's a major brain, Sam.
Cliff: Yeah, he's an intellectual pit bull, Sammy. If he senses fear, he'll attack. Reduce you to blubbering flesh in front of your sweet pea there.
Sam: He does seem kind of nasty, doesn't he?
Norm: Ooh, he's mean, Sam.
Sam: Yeah, but it's not like I'm stupid, is it? [off their silence] Oh, my God! What am I doing here? I'm gonna look like an idiot.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Sam, it's gonna be OK. Just talk about something that you know about and they don't. Say, something like your apartment.
Sam: Coach. Coach, I don't think everyone wants to talk about my apartment.
Coach: Of course not. They'd look stupid trying.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, Sam. Cheesehead's here.
Sam: Thank you, Carla. Hey, where's Diane?
Carla: She just went into the ladies room with a tub of mascara and a putty knife.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, Sam, if you wanna have fun tonight, you'd better bring along a yo-yo.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Hey, smells like something good cooking up there at old Melville's, huh?
Coach: Yeah, I wonder what it is, Norm. [eats bar snacks]
Norm: Well, that would be cream of watercress soup, Coach. Followed by baked mussels lightly coated with tarragon butter and topped off by a fine raspberry torte. [eats bar snacks]
Cliff: You know, fine gourmet cooking is truly one of the greatest pleasures of life.
Norm: Absolutely.
Cliff: Coach, what's the expiration date on these?
Coach: [eats bar snacks] Yesterday.
Cliff: We'd better hurry.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, Sammy. How about I throw the scuzzball out of here?
Sam: No. Diane would be furious.
Carla: I was talking about Diane.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Ah. So you've come to say goodbye, or, as the French say, ta-ta.
Diane: No. I've come to tell you that Sumner has gone.
Sam: He has?
Diane: Carla threw him out.
Sam: You don't mean to say you chose me over him?
Diane: I flipped a coin.
Sam: You let a coin decide this?
Diane: Yeah. I told Sumner heads I was going to walk in here to you. Tails I was going to run in here to you.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Well, you're nuts, you know that? I mean, the guy is... is brilliant. He's charming, sophisticated.
Diane: Yeah? If you hurry, he's yours.
Sam: Why did you pick me?
Diane: You read War And Peace.
Sam: So did he.
Diane: You did it for me. I think it was harder for you. Call it a hunch.
Sam: It was no day at the beach, I'll tell ya.

Quote from Norm

Carla: Hey, I thought you guys were at the baseball game.
Cliff: Ah, we left in outrage.
Norm: They gave us a hard time, asked us to change seats.
Coach: Why did they ask you to change seats?
Cliff: Oh, get this. We're out in centerfield, we took off our shirts to get some sun. They said the glare off Norm was blinding the batters.
Norm: Can I help it if I have alabaster skin?
Cliff: It's all right, Norm. Baseball should be played at night anyway.

Quote from Coach

Sam: Hey, you guys. What's happening?
Coach: Oh, there's someone waiting to see Diane in the men's room.
Diane: Oh, Coach. Sometimes, you get your participles in the wrong place.
Coach: Yeah, well, I slept on my stomach last night.
Carla: He's right, slats. You do have company.
Diane: [screams]
Coach: Diane, please. He's very sensitive about his face.

Quote from Sam

Diane: [to Sumner] You said you'd be right back. That was a year ago.
Sam: Well, you know the traffic in Boston.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Don't worry about it, Sam.
Sam: I'm not worried.
Norm: There's no reason to be. You and Diane have a great thing going. Besides, any girl choosing him over you would have to be crazy.
Cliff: Oh, yeah.
Norm: You think he's got her undressed yet? Joking, joking.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Before you go on, let me say first that I've gotten over you. So I hope for your sake you didn't come to get me back.
Sumner: I didn't.
Diane: Oh good.
Sumner: I'm still with Barbara, but I want desperately to win you back as a friend, Diane. I haven't been able to live with the thought of someone in the world hating me.
Diane: I don't hate you, Sumner.
Sumner: I can't even stand the thought of someone who thinks I'm a...
Diane: A creep? Well, you might have to live with that one. [laughs]
Sumner: My God. Even a trace of your laughter lights up a room.
Diane: Well, there are things about you that I have missed too. Sumner, let's cut the crap.
Sumner: Cut the crap? What have they done to you in this place?

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