Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Affairs of the Heart’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: Affairs of the Heart

206. Affairs of the Heart

Aired November 10, 1983

When Carla reluctantly accepts a date from a guy at the bar, she falls head over heels for him, unaware he could die if they have sex.

Quote from Norm

Sam: Hey, come on. It's only a quarter.
Norm: Only a quarter? That's easy for you to say. Maybe this will change your tune.
Coach: Sam, watch it. He's going for his gun.
Norm: It's my calculator, Coach. I'm going to have to figure out how much I can drink and still stay within my suds allowance. Hmm.
Sam: What have you got?
Norm: I'm going to have to cut back 8.7%. Comes out to one beer every half hour. I'm going to have to drink a little more slowly. [Norm downs a beer] Slowing down isn't so bad.

Rate

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Coach: How's life, Norm?
Norm: Ask a man who's got one. [Coach serves him a beer] Ah, here's mine now.

Quote from Carla

Carla: The only thing I'm scared of is if I go to bed with him he's gonna be so crazed with desire I'll never get rid of him.
Sam: Ah, Carla, that's not what you're afraid of. You're afraid that you're going to fall for this guy.
Carla: No, I'm not going to fall for this guy. I've already fallen for this guy.
Sam: Ah-ha. And now you're afraid he's going to turn into a jerk?
Carla: No, smart guy. He's already a jerk.
Sam: Why's he a jerk?
Carla: Because he's dishonest.
Sam: Why is he dishonest?
Carla: Because he's hiding the fact that he's a jerk.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Coach, give me a beer.
Cliff: Uh, Norm, you're getting a bit ahead of your one-beer-a-half-hour schedule, aren't you?
Norm: No, no, Cliff. I'm on London time. God save the Queen.

Quote from Carla

Diane: His name is Henry. He's interested in you.
Carla: So what?
Diane: Well, I think you should go over and talk to him.
Carla: Well, I don't.
Diane: Why?
Carla: Because if he's interested in me, there's something wrong with him.
Diane: Carla, I assure you he's perfectly charming. I think he's kind of attractive, too. Don't you?
Carla: Yeah, as cue balls go, he's a looker.
Carla: Don't ask me why, but for some reason, any guy who I'm interested in, or who's interested in me, always turns out to have something very seriously wrong with them.
Diane: Carla, I can see that, but you have to stop feeling you're undesirable.
Carla: Are you kidding? I'm too desirable. I'm a vermin magnet.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Come on, Carla. This guy's not like that. He's attractive, charming, intelligent, well-dressed, and opposites attract, so go for him.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Come on, we're going for a cup of coffee on you.
Hank: Fine.
Carla: Sam, I'm taking a break.
Sam: Fine.
Carla: [to Hank] You got a criminal record?
Hank: No.
Carla: Any mental illness in the family?
Hank: No.
Carla: Any artificial body parts?
Hank: No.
Carla: Okay, open your mouth.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Well, come on, Sam, you've got to admit it. Carla and Hank have been an item ever since they went out to dinner.
Norm: Oh, I hate to see that.
Cliff: You think Carla's making a mistake there, Norm?
Norm: No. I just had my last beer of the 20th Century.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Hey, Hank, you know, when I'm really kind of depressed, I usually like to buy a beer for a friend who's, you know, a little behind on his beer budget.
Hank: Well, I'm not really feeling all that depressed.
Norm: You're not? I mean, you fall really hard for this girl, you think you've got her where you want her. And then all of a sudden, she cuts you off at the kneecaps in front of a room full-
Hank: Set them up.
Norm: Thank you. This'll help.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Diane, give me the keys to your place.
Diane: I will not.
Carla: Oh, you're the matchmaker. You want this thing to work out or do you want it to end up with a broken heart? And a broken lip?
Diane: Enjoy. And, Carla, when you're done, just burn the place.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Romance in this bar is kind of an inspiration. You know, you, Diane, Carla, Hank there. Seeing you all makes me kind of think somewhere out there there's somebody for me. [Norm scoffs] Well, there are those that would disagree.
Norm: I'm sorry, Cliff. Just a picture came to mind of you in the sack. [laughs] I see your mailbag draped over a chair, next to your gabardines.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah?
Norm: That's as far as I wanted to look.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Come on. Keep thinking. Think. What problem did Lefty have?
Sam: Well, he was ugly as a mud fence. I remember that. He was a bad dresser. Oh, he used to spit tobacco juice all over.
Diane: Could we forget Lefty? What's wrong with Hank, Coach?
Sam: Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute, I got it. Coach, Lefty had a heart problem.
Coach: That's it. Hank has the same thing. I mean, the least bit of excitement, wham, bam it's curtains.
Diane: Coach, how about sex?
Coach: Diane, please! I thought you were Sam's girl.
Diane: Coach, I'm talking about Hank.
Coach: Hank is seeing Carla. [to Sam] Are you listening to this?

Quote from Diane

Diane: Come on. We've got to stop them.
Sam: We've got to warn Carla. I mean, what a shock if the guy were to drop dead in Carla's own bed.
Diane: Oh, God. She's in my apartment.
Sam: You're kidding.
Diane: Well, that's the last time I let somebody have a great time in my bedroom.

Quote from Diane

Sam: The line's busy.
Cliff: Oh, that means she's calling an ambulance, huh?
Diane: Cliff, now stop it. We don't have to jump to conclusions. Look, a lot of people when they're having a romantic evening, they take the phone off the hook. They don't want anyone to interrupt their intimacies.
Sam: How come we never did that?
Diane: I might miss an important call.

Quote from Norm

Sam: You know, it's my fault. I practically pushed them into this.
Diane: I'm going, too.
Cliff: I'll go with you. I know CPR.
Norm: I'll go. I'm a CPA.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode