Nick Tortelli: Good evening, Miss Chambers.
Diane: Nick, you had better be here to tell me that you've given up your quest to win my favor.
Nick Tortelli: Please, Miss Chambers, this is for you and you alone, my sweet. [loud whistle] [violins play "As Time Goes By"]
Diane: God, you've got to be kidding!
Nick Tortelli: In matters of amore, Nick Tortelli never kids. Sit.
Diane: I am not a dog.
Nick Tortelli: Of course you're not. You think I'd spend this kinda dough on an uggo?

Nick Tortelli: I'm sensing that, uh, we're not gonna hit the sheets together.
Diane: That is correct.
Nick Tortelli: Save it! [violins stop]
Diane: Why are you wasting your time on this? Loretta's the woman for you.
Nick Tortelli: She's spending all of her time with Sam. Women can't get their eyes off of that guy. I guess, in his own way, he's good-looking.
Diane: Oh, Nick, you're every bit as... mistaken as you can be. Sam and Loretta are not an item. Sam is mine.

Nick Tortelli: Surprise!
Loretta: I just came because I forgot my my charts. Is this all for me?
Nick Tortelli: Of course it's for you. It's my attempt to win you back into my heart. Isn't that right, Miss Chambers?
Diane: Oh, yes, yes. He's really a sweet guy, isn't he, Loretta?
Loretta: He sure is.
Diane: Yeah. If he weren't already taken, I'd snap him up for myself. Well, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone. I'm just going in the back to freshen up. I'll be out of here in just a few minutes.
Loretta: I really like that Debbie.

Nick Tortelli: Loretta, if I have caused you, uh, any heartache, I want to say I'm sorry. But I really do love you, and I know you love me, and it's crazy for us not to be together. You're the only woman on Earth for me.
Loretta: How come the cake says "Nick and Diane"?
Nick Tortelli: Excuse me?
Loretta: How come the cake says "Nick and Diane"?
Nick Tortelli: You know what a lousy speller I am.
Loretta: Oh, right. But, wait, that's pretty bad. This wasn't for me after all, was it? This was for some girl named Diane!
Nick Tortelli: No!
Loretta: It's no use. We're through forever. [to the band] If you ever need a singer, I'm available for any gig.

Carla: Nick.
Nick Tortelli: Carla! [violins play]
Carla: What's all this?
Nick Tortelli: This is for you, my sweet.
Carla: All this is for me?
Nick Tortelli: Yeah. And if this is not an attempt at reconciliation, uh, I don't know what is.
Carla: This is. [dumps the ice bucket in Nick's lap]
Nick Tortelli: You don't believe me?
Carla: Whose lipstick is on the glass?
Nick Tortelli: What? I'm gonna have the caterer flogged.
Carla: Right, Nick. [to the band] I hope you guys got your money up front.

Sam: Did I miss something here?
Diane: Men. They are so stupid. What are you doing here?
Sam: Oh, well, I thought it was more important for me to be here with you than watching some silly old basketball game.
Diane: Your TV's broken?
Sam: Yeah.
Diane: This whole thing is so sad, really very sad.
Sam: Oh, that's all right. It's under warranty. It'll be okay.

Sam: Uh Diane, I'm going to go home now and watch the, uh, last half of the Celtics game. All right?
Diane: Okay, Sam. See you in the morning.
Sam: Okay.
Diane: I'll be dreaming of you.
Sam: I'll be dreaming of me, too.

Woody: Mind if I play, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: No, not at all, Woody. I've thrashed everybody else in the bar. You may as well be allowed your chance at ignominious defeat.
Woody: Well, thank you, Dr. Crane.

Loretta: [whimpers] Hi, Sam.
Sam: Hi, Lor are you all right, Loretta?
Loretta: I'm fine, and you?
Sam: Oh, I'm- l'm fine.
Loretta: That's nice to hear. Is Carla working tonight?
Sam: Yeah. She's right over there.
Loretta: Thank you, Sam. It's been nice talking with you. [sobs]

Carla: Want a drink?
Loretta: A diet cola would be wonderful.
Carla: Okay. Look, kid, I'm sorry this happened to you.
Loretta: Oh, thank you, Carla, thank you. I'm moved beyond recognition. How long did it take you to mend your broken heart?
Carla: I'll let you know when it happens.