Diane: Come on, Loretta. Don't hold it inside.
Loretta: Well, Nick, who is my husband, has been seeing another woman. I just realized it today when I found blonde hairs on Nick's shirt.
Diane: Loretta, you're a blonde.
Loretta: Sure. Take his side.

Diane: Now, what do you say? Will you do it?
Carla: Oh, all right. But only because no living thing should be subjected to a night alone with you.
Diane: That's the spirit.

Loretta: Oh, Carla, I still love him.
Carla: Nothing you can do. We're talking about Nick Tortelli. He wants you, you got no choice.
Diane: This is the part I don't get. Here's a man that quicksand would spit up... and yet he has this strange Svengali-like power over you.
Loretta: Oh, yes. From the moment I first saw him, I knew I'd follow him to the ends of the earth.
Diane: Where he's obviously spent a lot of time.

Carla: You know, there's, there's something about him. I mean, he knows women. Like a jeweler knows jewels. Like a meat cutter knows meat.
Loretta: Like a marine biologist knows marines. Knowing me as well as I do, I'll probably end up crawling right back to him.
Carla: Yeah, and he'll be there waiting with that cute look on his face and those three little words, "She's my cousin."
Diane: You're not crawling back to him. We're gonna fight this together. You don't need that reptile. You can take care of yourself.
Loretta: But what'll I do?
Diane: Well, you must be good at something.
Loretta: Well... I'm great at singing.
Diane: Okay.
Loretta: In fact, before I married Nick, I was on my way to becoming a taller, blonder, less Mormon Marie Osmond.

Nick Tortelli: Carla!
Carla: Nick.
Nick Tortelli: Long time, no see. You do somethin' to your hair?
Carla: No.
Nick Tortelli: Think about it. [wheezing laughter]
Carla: Nick, be a cannibal. Eat a rat.
Nick Tortelli: The magic is still there, Carla. Whatever happened between us?
Carla: You lied, you cheated, you neglected the kids, you never came home, and you drank too much.
Nick Tortelli: Nah. It'd have to be more than that.

Loretta: Nicky!
Nick Tortelli: Loretta. I've decided to forgive you for bursting in on me and Miss Romero in the shower.
Loretta: I'm sorry, Nicky.
Nick Tortelli: You oughta be. It was very embarrassing. Let's go home.
Loretta: Okay.
Diane: Be strong.
Loretta: I mean... No.
Nick Tortelli: That sounded negative to me.

Carla: This is great. Nick is gonna cast a love spell on Miss Goody Two Shoes, and I get to watch.
Nick Tortelli: Actually, I'm not gonna make my romantic approach tonight. It's getting too late for that. Ah, yes, goodness look at the time. [swings a pocket watch in front of Diane] Time. Time to lay back. Time to forget your inhibitions.
Carla: This is diabolical.
Nick Tortelli: From this day forward, there will be nobody for you but me. You will fall hopelessly in love and follow me to the ends of the earth. Oh, yeah and bring a six-pack. [exits]
Diane: God, the man is insane to think that anyone would be gullible enough to fall for that idiotic nonsense.
[Woody walks after Nick with a six pack of beer]

Carla: Expecting someone, Diane?
Diane: No, not really.
Carla: Sure you are. He's out there somewhere. Waiting.
Diane: I've heard so much about Nick Tortelli's magic, but it's been a week, and I haven't seen any evidence of it.
Carla: Don't you see what he's doing? It's all part of his plan. You know, like when the drums stop in a jungle movie? You sit and wonder what are the natives doing? And then you start to sweat. He's a genius.

Frasier: Woody, I refuse to continue playing if every time you take one of my pieces, you go... [makes whistling, explosion sounds]
Woody: I'm sorry, Dr. Crane; I thought it added a little bit of excitement to the game.
Frasier: Well, it doesn't! Okay, Woody. You know, I think it's time we took off the gloves. I have allowed you to defeat me several times because I was going easy on you, so as not to crush your natural enthusiasm. But I think it's time you took a giant step toward maturity. There are a great many lessons to be learned in defeat. Chief among them is how to lose gracefully.
Woody: Checkmate.
[Frasier growls as he shoves the chessboard off the table]
Woody: You missed my king.
Frasier: [growling]
Woody: [makes bomb whistling and explosion sounds] Dr. Crane!

Carla: You know, Sammy, l, uh, think Nick is getting to you.
Sam: Why? You think I'm worried about this? Are you kidding?
Carla: Uh-huh, well, look at this. You added these receipts all wrong.
Sam: I did not.
Carla: Then you're saying we took in $32 million tonight?
Sam: Well, there was that party of ten in the corner table there.