Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Never Love a Goalie, Part 1’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Never Love a Goalie, Part 1

516. Never Love a Goalie, Part 1

Aired January 29, 1987

Carla falls head over heels for hockey star Eddie LeBec (Jay Thomas). Meanwhile, Frasier attends a hockey game, and Diane gets jury duty.

Quote from Norm

Sam: Okay, guys, that's it. Closing time.
Norm: Already? It's hard to believe 17 hours can slip by that quickly.
Cliff: Well, good night, Sammy.
Sam: Good night.
Woody: Guys, don't forget, tonight's the night we go off daylight savings time. Be sure to change your clocks.
Norm: Let's see now, it's 2:00 now, so which way does it go?
Woody: That's "spring forward, fall back," Mr. Peterson.
Cliff: All right, so it's, uh, 1:00.
Norm: 1:00?
Cliff: Set 'em up, Sammy.
Norm: I was this close to going home. I love this universe.

Rate

Quote from Frasier

Sam: Hey, Frasier. What's wrong? You look like you lost your best friend.
Frasier: Well, in a manner of speaking, I have. A colleague of sorts passed away today. Someone who contributed volumes to the world of psychology.
Sam: Well, I'm sorry. Is it anybody I know?
Frasier: Bombo the chimpanzee.
Sam: Oh.
Carla: Don't you remember, Sam? They shared an office.
Frasier: See, Bombo was one of Dr. Harry Harlow's apes. Dr. Harlow was a behavioral theorist who worked extensively with primates studying human parenting and child rearing. Bombo was the last of the group. And he was the baby. I can still see him clutching his little cloth surrogate mother. I don't think we'll ever see his like again.
Sam: Can I get you anything?
Frasier: Please. Something to take my mind off my troubles.
Sam: How about a banana daiquiri?
Frasier: Cute.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Well, I'm honored to have been chosen to participate in our system of jurisprudence. I'll be proud to serve on a jury of my peers. Or so they'll think. [chuckles] You know, other than voting, I think jury duty is the single greatest privilege America bestows on her citizenry.
Frasier: Couldn't get out of it, huh?
Diane: I tried everything.

Quote from Carla

Carla: You know, I've always had this thing for the goalies and catchers. Guys who wear masks. Some girls like the scorers, you know, the glamour guys? Me, I like the grunts who crouch down and take everything that's thrown at them: scarred faces, teeth missing, noses mashed to a meaty pulp. God, they're sexy.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Dr. Frasier Crane, noted psychiatrist, winner of the Mildred Bergen Fellowship, author of 27 published articles, is out on bail.
Diane: Frasier, what happened?
Frasier: Well, you know, I've always prided myself on being a man of control and maturity. But suddenly I was swept up into this crowd's excitement. Well, damn me to a junior college for saying it, I was enjoying myself. But I guess the controlled mayhem of the situation made me more assertive. Also, there was this guy sitting in front of me who insisted on wearing his cowboy hat. Well, I asked this huckleberry several times to remove it, and he refused, and so then I just took it off his head and handed it to him, and he handed it back to me with his fist in it. [Sam laughs] Next thing I know, I'm in a holding cell at some North End station house with the cast of The Road Warrior.
Woody: Did you get Mel Gibson's autograph?
Sam: So, uh, so you had a little fight. You stood up for yourself. Come on, look me in the eye face-to-face here. Didn't it feel great?
Frasier: Well, I have to admit, there was a moment there when I had a feeling of satisfaction like never before in my life. Sorry, Diane.

Quote from Carla

Carla: But he pays for everything. You know, movies, parking, refreshments. Do you know how much a tub of popcorn is going for these days?
Norm: It's, uh, $3.70 at the Alto.
Carla: Yeah, that Eddie takes care of me real good.
Sam: But you're not falling for him, right?
Carla: Oh, look, who are we fooling here, Sam? I mean, you know my luck with men. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting some bum who once dumped on me. And Eddie LeBec is a star. You know, once he's been here a while, he'll know a lot more people, and it's "Bye-bye, Carla."
Sam: Hey.
Carla: No way some guy like that ends up with me.
Sam: Listen, will you stop cutting yourself short? You offer a lot of things to a guy.
Carla: Oh, yeah, sure. Six kids, mortgage up to my ears, stack of bills, dead-end job and fallen arches.
Sam: You know, if I weren't already engaged...

Quote from Woody

Sam: Woody, get that man a club soda, no ice, two slices of lime, and a red straw.
Woody: [chuckles] Is that really what you want?
Eddie LeBec: Yes, sir.
Woody: How'd you know that, Sam?
Sam: He ordered it yesterday.
Woody: Oh, well, then I'd better hurry.

Quote from Sam

Sam: You know, I used to, uh I used to have this little ritual when I was pitching for the Red Sox. Before every game, I'd go out to our third base coach, Ernie Pantusso, and he'd rub my tummy and I'd rub his head. Next thing we knew, the whole stadium was looking at two grown men standing in the middle of the field rubbing each other. After that we, we did it in the locker room. Pretty soon after that, we just stopped altogether.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Of course, I can't really talk about the trial.
Woman: No, no, I had the vodka gimlet.
Diane: Oh, right, I'm sorry. I could, I suppose, give you a hypothetical case, just to give you an idea. Not that it would be the same, but similar. Now, we have a defendant who's accused of attempted murder of his wife. We'll call him Scum. And a wife. Let's call her Victim. I really shouldn't be telling you this. It's just that I can't help it. I'm compelled to share it with someone. But no, no, I'm not going to say another word. I'm going to zip my mouth. [chuckles] Can I get you anything else?
Man: No, zipping your mouth will be fine.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Give me an A.
All: A!
Woody: Give me a B!
All: B!
Woody: Give me a C!
All: C!
Woody: Give me a D!
All: D!
Norm: Hey, wait a minute, Woody. What're you doing?
Woody: The alphabet. We're warming up here. Give me a...

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: You know, I tried to serve, but they disqualified me.
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: Yeah. I can't understand it, 'cause they went for my theory.
Norm: What theory's that?
Cliff: The one about, uh, bringing back the guillotine.
Norm: Gee, they, uh, turned you down, huh?
Cliff: I guess the old inmates are running the asylum, huh?

Quote from Diane

Diane: Oh, hello, my darling.
Sam: "Oh, my, will you look at that ring."
Diane: My boyfriend gave it to me. You'll have to pardon my giddiness. I am in such a glorious mood today. I don't think anything could spoil it.
Frasier: Bombo is dead.
Diane: Nope. Not even that. I have been selected to serve the Commonwealth of Massachusetts on jury duty.
Sam: [groans] I'm so sorry. That's awful.
Carla: They tried to get me once, but I got off 'cause I got a good excuse. I'm the sole support of six kids.
Diane: I suppose they felt that anyone who hadn't mastered birth control isn't smart enough for jury duty.

Quote from Diane

Carla: Hey, you know who that is?
Sam: Oh, yeah, it's Eddie LeBec.
Norm: Eddie LeBec right here. All right.
Frasier: Wow, Eddie LeBec. Who is Eddie LeBec?
Diane: Well, if they're excited about seeing him, he's either a sports figure or he holds the world's record for stuffing beer nuts up his nose.
Norm: Uh-uh-uh, that is Jimmy "The Snorkel" Stevens, Diane.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Boy, the injustice of it. A man rises to such popular acclaim simply by stopping a hockey puck with his face while a courageous little chimp who advanced man's scientific knowledge dies almost anonymously.
Norm: You should have gotten the monkey a pair of skates.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Wow, Eddie LeBec. It sure is exciting seeing a sports figure in real life.
Sam: What about- What about me, Woody?
Woody: Well, I can't speak for you, Sam. I only know I'm excited.

Quote from Frasier

Sam: What about Frasier? Hey, Frasier, you look like you could use a pick-me-up.
Frasier: A hockey game?
Sam: Yeah.
Frasier: No, thank you. I've been to the bullfights in Spain. I've been to the altar with Diane. I think that's enough carnage for one life.
Sam: Oh, come on, Frasier, go. Bombo would have wanted you to.
Frasier: Perhaps you're right. You know, I've always wondered what makes the average person turn into an animal at a sporting event. Perhaps I could witness the phenomenon and write a paper on it. Put Dr. Frasier Crane back on the map. Carla, thank you. I accept.
Carla: Well, at least I won't be fondled all night.

Quote from Carla

Eddie LeBec: So, you're a hockey fan, eh?
Carla: Oh, yeah.
Eddie LeBec: Well what else should I know about you?
Carla: Me? Well, uh, I'm in my mid-20s, never been married, got no kids.
Diane: You're next in line to the throne of England.

Quote from Carla

Eddie LeBec: So, Carla, I'd better get back to my place. I gotta look at some films. I just, uh, I don't know, I just wanted to stop in and see, you know, just...
Carla: Hey, Eddie, you know, I really should be honest with you. I do have kids. Two.
Eddie LeBec: Well, I love kids.
Carla: Six.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, Sam, that was my lawyer. He's managed to get the authorities to drop all the charges.
Norm: All right.
Sam: Okay. Got off scot-free, huh?
Frasier: Not exactly. It seems I have to undergo seven hours of psychological counseling.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sorry I'm late. The first day of the trial went a little longer than I expected.
Sam: Oh, that's all right. Just grab an apron. We got the Bruins playing tonight. And the Eddie LeBec Fan Club is holding forth, led by President Carla Tortelli.
Diane: Right. Luck of the draw. I think I have gotten the most challenging and interesting case of the year.
Sam: Oh, that's great. Listen, do me a favor, will ya? Go upstairs and get me some change, please?
Diane: Fine. Of course, I can't discuss the details of the trial, but, oh, only if I could.
Sam: Quarters. Mostly quarters, yeah.
Diane: I can tell you that I've been chosen foreman of the jury.
Sam: Well, that's great. Yeah, listen, you do good with this change thing, and I'll make you captain of the bar.
Diane: Well, just as well that I'm leaving. I wouldn't want to slip and divulge too much information. Particularly in this case. Attempted murder. [chuckles] This is the last place I'd talk about it. Once I let something out, you'd all be prodding me endlessly for details.
Norm: Sammy, is Diane coming in today?
Sam: [chuckling] Yeah.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode