Carla: What are you doing? Can't you see this is a twisted cry for help? Sammy, I'm here for you.
Sam: Carla, knock it off. I'm not saying I'm going. I just wanna find out if I can. That's all.
Carla: I don't get it, Sammy. Why Diane? Why not arsenic or strychnine?
Norm: Let's see if I'm following all of this. Carla, you think Diane is bad for Sam.

Dan Corelli: Say, aren't you Ernie Pantusso?
Coach: Are you talking to me, sir?
Dan Corelli: Yeah. Yes, I am. Well, I'll be damned. Do you remember me?
Coach: No, I'm sorry. I don't.
Dan Corelli: Let me give you a hint.
Coach: I like hints.
Dan Corelli: Shortstop. Topeka, 1947. My nickname was "Fancy Dan".
Coach: Joe Pitney!
Dan Corelli: No, Ernie. I'm Dan Corelli.
Coach: Danny Corelli! My God, am I happy to see you! Hey, everybody, listen up. This is one of the most amazing men in the world. One of the most amazing men that ever stepped into a baseball diamond. He was a great ball-player. I know, I played against him. But, listen, the man is totally blind!
Dan Corelli: Ernie, I'm not blind and I never was.
Coach: Come on, Corelli, don't be modest. You were a legend. You were an absolute legend. The whole league talked about the blind man who played short-stop for Topeka.
Dan Corelli: Ernie, you're all confused. They called me the Blind Man because I sold Venetian blinds door-to-door during the off season.
Coach: My God, how did he find the doorbell? Now, is that an inspirational story or not, huh? They didn't buy your product out of pity, I'm telling you, Corelli.
Dan Corelli: I'll see you later.
Coach: Corelli, watch it, the steps there, please!
Carla: Coach, I think he can see as well as we can.
Coach: Carla, in some ways, he can see more.

Sam: Does anyone know how long it takes to get to Italy from here?
Carla: OK, nobody panic!
Cliff: Sammy, you can make it from here to Italy in 8 hours, 37 minutes, 22 seconds. With a good tail wind.
Sam: Seriously?
Cliff: Well, unless you take the polar route. In which case you run into those convex currents created by the Aurora Borealis.
Carla: You're a roaring bore-ealis.

Cliff: Thank you, Cathy. [hangs up phone] Sammy, there's a flight leaving in 45 minutes, 747 wide-body, Flight Eight-Niner-Three, Captain Omar Wilkins. Good man. Movie is Blame It on Rio, edited for in-flight viewing, and I recommend the chicken Diablo.
Sam: Thank you.
Cliff: Roger Wilco.

Carla: Pretty fancy answering machine you've got there, Sam.
Sam: Uh-huh. Deluxe model, top of the line.
Cliff: I hate answering machines. You know, I never know what to say to them.
Carla: Gee, and you're such a whiz with people.
Cliff: Sammy, I know you think it's a convenience of sorts, but it's a poor substitute for a human being and I think you ought to trash it.
Sam: Are you kidding? This is an expensive machine.
Cliff: I'm talking about Carla. [laughs] Like to see her top that one, huh? [Carla pulls off a tuft of Cliff's mustache] Touche!

Sam: [answers the phone] Cheers.
Diane: Hello, it's me.
Sam: Oh, hold on here a second. Hey there, you been dreaming about me again? You just had to call?
Diane: Actually, I was calling to talk to everyone. Chat a little. Tell you how nice the weather's been. How romantic Europe has been. [chuckles] Oh, yes, it's been very romantic. The kind of place that makes a man lose his head and propose to a gal on a night such as this.
Sam: Ah. So, who do you wanna speak to next?
Diane: I'm talking about Frasier, Sam. He had a couple of sips of Chianti tonight and asked me to marry him.
Sam: Did you say a couple of sips or barrels?
Diane: I knew you'd be this way.
Sam: No, no, I'm not being any way here. Um... So what'd you tell him?
Diane: I haven't told him anything yet. I'm just basking in the moment.
Sam: Uh-huh. I see. So what's the problem? You always told me you and Frasier are a perfect match.
Diane: There's no problem.
Sam: Uh-huh.

Diane: [on the phone] Tell everyone that I'll call after the wedding tomorrow.
Sam: Tomorrow? What's the rush?
Diane: Frasier has thoughtfully and romantically arranged for us to be married at the Marino estate. It's somewhat of a landmark, one of the most beautiful estates in Florence.
Sam: So are you gonna say yes?
Diane: You think I should say something else?
Sam: No.
Diane: No, you don't think I should say something else, or no, you think I should say no?
Sam: Yes.
Diane: Yes, I should say yes, or yes, I should say something else?
Sam: Diane? Congratulations. I'm very happy for you.
Diane: I see. Well, if you have nothing more to say, I'd better be getting back to Frasier.
Sam: I understand. You probably want to accept before he sobers up.
Diane: Goodbye.
Sam: Bye-bye.

Sam: Diane! Diane! Don't do this!
Frasier: What the hell? Oh, excuse me, Father.
Diane: Sam, what on earth are you doing here?
Sam: Why are you marrying Frasier?
Diane: I love him, of course.
Sam: No, no, no. Look me in the eye. Now say that.
Diane: I can't.
Sam: You love me. Admit it.
Frasier: Now, look here, Sam.
Sam: I'm sorry, Frasier. Diane and I belong together. I know it's nuts, but we both know it's true.
Diane: Oh, Sam, you're right. I can't keep playing it safe. I don't care if I get hurt. I have to admit I love you. I've always loved you and I always will. Frasier, will you forgive me?
Frasier: You know I will. I guess I always knew you two would end up together.
Sam: You're a good man, Frasier.
Frasier: I try.
Diane: A dear, sweet, lovely man.
Frasier: Be happy, Diane.
Diane: Well, Sam, I'm all yours. [they kiss]
Sam: Come on. Let's go show Europe what romance means.
[Frasier waves them off as Sam carries Diane away in his arms]
Diane: It's not going to be like before. I'll make you happier than you ever thought possible. I'll respect you and accept you for what you are, and I won't complain or argue or be jealous. And I'll stop thinking the life out of everything. I'll do all I can to make sure you enjoy life to the fullest. And if that means letting you date other women while I remain faithful to you, so be it. Your love is worth the price.
Sam: I think this is gonna work this time.
[reality:]
Carla: Sam? Sam? [throws a ball of paper at his head] Sam!
Sam: Oh, I'm sorry. I guess my mind was somewhere else.

Carla: Well, sorry to disturb you, Sammy. But if we don't start getting some beers out to this crowd, they're gonna turn ugly. Oof. Too late!

Sam: Oh, boy. This is the craziest thing I've ever considered. You think I should go through with this?
Norm: I think that you and Diane are lovely, special people, Sam. Alone. Separately. Individually. Together, frankly, you stink. To the casual observer, your running off to Italy would have to seem stupid beyond reason.
Sam: I'm going.
Norm: That's what I'd do.