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‘Birth, Death, Love and Rice’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Birth, Death, Love and Rice

401. Birth, Death, Love and Rice

Aired September 26, 1985

Sam returns to Cheers after flying to Italy to stop Diane and Frasier's wedding. Meanwhile, Woody Boyd starts work at Cheers following the death of the Coach.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: See, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Diane now had a "Malone" after her name.
Norm: Well, could be, Cliffie. That Italy's an awfully darn romantic place. I almost went there myself on my honeymoon. Had the plane reservations and the hotel reservations. Everything.
Alan: Well, what stopped you, Norm?
Norm: Oh, Vera. You know, she insisted on coming.

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Quote from Sam

Sam: I bet you wanna know how it went in Italy.
Norm: Uh... No, no, not really. How about you, Cliffie?
Sam: Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway. Got off the plane and I took a cab to the Marino estate, where I had been told they were gonna get married. But they wouldn't let me in, so I jumped over the fence and landed in the middle of seven snarling rottweilers.
Cliff: Ooh, rottweilers. It comes from the German word "Rott--"
Sam: Uh, Cliff, shut up.
Cliff: Yes, sir.
Sam: Luckily, I outsmarted the dogs by diving into a moat. While the police were fishing me out, I discovered that Diane and Frasier had decided to get married someplace else. This was right before they threw me in jail.
Norm: Jail? How'd you get out?
Sam: Well, a local landowner bailed me out. Actually, he didn't bail me out. There's a different system over there. He purchased me. Seems... Seems his ox died or something. I really don't wanna talk about this anymore. I'm gonna be in my office. Oh, yeah, one more thing. I am through with that woman forever. I will never think about, see or mention her ever again. And if anyone even uses the words "Diane Chambers," I will have no other choice but to kill that person. [exits]
Customer: Wow. Poor guy. Who is this Diane Chambers anyhow?
[Sam emerges from his office with a golf club]
Sam: Who said that?
[After the customer and Norm point to Cliff, Sam chases him into the back room]
Cliff: No! No! No!

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Sam: What do you say, Norm?
Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Excuse me, my name's Woody Boyd.
Sam: Woody. Hi, I'm Sam Malone.
Woody: Howdy. I'm a friend of Coach's. Is he around?
Sam: I'm sorry, Woody. I guess you hadn't heard. No, Coach passed away a couple of months ago. But, yeah, I'd like to think he's still around.
Woody: Coach, gone. I can hardly believe it.
Sam: Well, he had a lot of friends. I don't- I don't remember him mentioning a Woody.
Woody: Well, we never met. We were kind of like pen pals.
Sam: You exchanged letters?
Woody: No, pens. It was Coach's idea.
Sam: Oh, well, that figures.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: So while it's a common belief that the Tyrannosaurus rex was the king of the dinosaurs, you know, as a-- As indicated by the appellative "-saurus," the smartest of the spiny reptiles was actually the thyropatroid.

Quote from Frasier

Sam: Gee, Fras, that's tough. She just took off, huh? No explanation or anything?
Frasier: Well, there was no explanation necessary. It was you she loved all along. And it was the thought of you that made me lose her. The story of my humiliation spread like wildfire through the university and then to the entire Italian countryside. Everyone knew about it. Everyone knew about my shame.
Sam: No, you must have been imagining that.
Frasier: Oh, was l? Do you know that in soccer, when a player kicks at the ball, misses and falls down, it's now called a "Frasier"?
Sam: That could be a coincidence.
Frasier: If he's knocked cold, it's called a "Frasier Crane."

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: But now listen, Sam, you won't go and see her will you?
Sam: No!
Frasier: I mean, it would be disaster for everyone.
Sam: No, no. Believe me, I wouldn't do that. No, I'm over her. You know, and if you know what's good for you, I think you should forget about her too.
Frasier: Oh, I'll forget about her. I'll forget about her when the moon turns to ashes and the birds sing nevermore.
Sam: There you go.
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry about the histrionics, Sam.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: I've lost everything, Malone. My tenure, my practice and my Diane. My life is ruined, and it's all your fault. Now, don't you think someone should pay for that? [removes a gun]
Sam: If by "someone," you mean someone in this room, I can I can honestly answer no, I don't. Oh, come on. Oh, wait a second. What are you doing? The gun's not even loaded.
Frasier: Certainly it's loaded.
Sam: No, it isn't.
Frasier: Oh. Of course you know it's not, because Frasier Crane is a harmless person. He never caused you a moment's concern, not a moment's worry. He was never a threat to your relationship with Diane, and he's not a threat now. Is that it, Sam?
Sam: No, it's just the little holes there are empty.
Frasier: Once again, you're ahead of me, Sam. I just hoped to see you quaking in your boots a little bit or something, but you've cheated me even of that.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Oh, Sam, I was so sorry to hear about the Coach.
Sam: Yeah, I know, I know.
Diane: Not a day goes by when I don't miss him terribly.
Sam: Me too. You know what helps me, though, is I always remember what he used to say about the afterlife, "l hope there are not a lot of stairs."
Diane: It's wise in its way.
Sam: Yeah.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Hello, Sam, old buddy.
Sam: Frasier. What the hell are you doing here? Are you alone?
Frasier: Yes, I'm alone. I didn't marry Diane.
Sam: You didn't?
Frasier: No, I didn't. Does that make you happy?
Sam: Well, I'm happy for you. Just how'd you manage that?
Frasier: Well, she left me at the altar. I had just vowed to take her for my wife. The priest asked her if she would marry me. She looked around and asked if he was talking to her. He nodded, and she was gone.

Quote from Carla

Alan: Carla, give me a beer.
Carla: Right.
Alan: What's the story with Sam? Isn't he back from Italy yet?
Carla: Nah. Three whole days, and we haven't heard a word.
Cliff: He just went there to stop Diane and Frasier from getting married. Don't know what could be taking him so long.
Carla: Maybe Frasier's still thanking him.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Hey, Norman. You seem pretty chipper today. A few notches up from your usual abysmal.
Norm: Well, thank you, Cliffie. That's because I have a little bit of good news here.
Cliff: What's that?
Norm: Well, you know how I've been trying to get Vera pregnant? Congratulate me.
Sam: Hey!
Cliff: Have a cigar.
Sam: Whoa. Well, I think this calls for some champagne here.
Norm: Well, thank you, Sam.
Sam: What sex do you want it to be?
Norm: Sex? Come on, I thought you just asked for the vintage. You know? Wait, wait. I see your mistake. Vera's not with child. She just told me I didn't have to try to get her pregnant anymore. Let's celebrate! Come on! Party!

Quote from Woody

Woody: [enters] This is amazing. Hundreds of bottles. Red and white wine glasses. High-grade Naugahyde stool covers. And a brass rail. And a big-city bartender with a joke at the ready.
Sam: You from out of town?
Woody: Okay, I'll bite. Yeah, I'm from out of town.
Sam: Can I help you?
Woody: Well, that went right over my head.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Can I get you something to drink here?
Woody: Well, a soda pop would be good.
Sam: Soda pop. All right, all right.
Woody: See, I got in the habit of writing to the bars in the big city, in the hopes of landing a job, and once I wrote a letter to Cheers, and Coach answered my letter. I liked him right away. Maybe it was because he was the only one who wrote back to me.
Sam: Woody, did you say you were looking for work?
Woody: Well, actually, I came to Boston on a fact-finding tour. See, I tend bar back home in Indiana. Well, it's not a bar exactly. It's more like a pigsty with a jukebox, if we had a jukebox.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Carla. I'd like you to meet Woody Boyd. Woody, this is Carla Tortelli.
Woody: Hi, ma'am.
Carla: Ma'am? What's that supposed to mean?
Woody: I believe it's a term of respect.
Carla: No wonder it sounded so weird. Who is this guy?
Sam: Well, he's a friend of Coach's, and he's looking for work. What do you think? You wanna give him a try?
Woody: Me? Mr. Malone, this is the proudest day of my life! I'd work like a slave and I wouldn't take anything more than minimum wage. And, of course, I'd wash your car. And if you ever need someone to just, you know, yell at, I'm your man.
Carla: I think we better keep him, Sam. He wouldn't be safe on the streets.
Woody: Thanks, Carla.

Quote from Woody

Sam: What the hell. Woody, come on around here and we'll check you out.
Woody: [jumps over the bar] You won't regret it, Mr. Malone. I love bartending. You get behind a bar, and right away strangers are your best friends. You know, they call you great names, like "buddy" and "pal" and "chief" and "ace."
Sam: Here's your apron, sport.
Woody: Sport! Another great one! But listen, let me make one thing clear. One mistake, and I'm out on my butt.
Norm: Hey, Cliffie, next time you try to imitate that helicopter, I think you ought to chalk up the cues before you stick them in your ears.
Cliff: You kidding, Norm? I'd look pretty silly with chalk in my ears.
Sam: Cliff, Norm, Woody Boyd. Woody's gonna be helping us out around here.
Cliff: Hey. Nice to meet you. All right.
Woody: What's your pleasure, gents? Make it anything you want. Now, where I come from, all anyone ever drinks is beer. Beer's fine, but any monkey can pull down a tap. Why study years to be an ace mixologist just to serve beer after beer after beer? So, what will it be?
Norm: Beer.
Cliff: Same.

Quote from Carla

Norm: Ooh. Frasier W. Crane.
Cliff: Oh, the man who won the hand of Diane Chambers.
Carla: And found out he had to keep the rest of her.

Quote from Frasier

Woody: What's your pleasure?
Frasier: My life is devoid of pleasure.
Woody: You need a good laugh. Are you from out of town?
Frasier: Just give me a whiskey, punk.
Woody: [chuckles] Punk! Oh, that's great!
Frasier: [downs the shot] Where's Malone? I mean, where's my good friend Sam?
Woody: Mr. Malone's in his office. You want me to give him a buzz?
Frasier: No, no, I'll surprise him. Oh, by the way, any peculiar noises you hear coming out of that room, don't let it bother you. It's just a couple of old friends having a little fun together.
Woody: Yo. [to Norm & Cliff] I think my joke loosened him up a little.

Quote from Frasier

Sam: Boy, you're really bent out of shape over this, aren't you? Just out of totally idle curiosity, whatever did happen to Diane?
Frasier: Well, I was recently informed by my mentor, Dr. Bennett Ludlow, whose care I'm now under, incidentally.
Sam: And believe me, he's doing a heck of a job.
Frasier: He told me that she's at St. Anselm's Abbey, an hour outside of Boston, with the Sisters of the Divine Severity.
Sam: Oh, whoa, whoa, wait. You can't be a nun if you've already...
Frasier: Oh, she's not becoming a nun, you idiot! She's working there. She's cleaning, serving meals, wearing sackcloth, that sort of thing.
Sam: I'll be damned.
Frasier: You see, after she left me, Diane embarked upon a spree of decadence in Italy. I'd hear stories about dancing on tables in cafes, swimming in public fountains, cavorting with counts and soccer players. Well, now she's doing penance for la dolce vita. She's seeking peace. I hope she's found it.
Sam: Diane, dancing on tabletops? You mean my...? Your...? Our...? The Diane?
Frasier: Yes, all of them.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam, what is it? Tell me what you have to say and then leave, please.
Sam: Listen, I want you to come back to Cheers. I don't think you belong here, Diane.
Diane: No, Sam, I do belong here. Although I'm not of their order, the sisters took me in, and working here among them has helped me find the peace that had so eluded me. Besides, if I came back to Cheers, it would lead to nothing but terrible problems between you and me.
Sam: No, no, it's not like that anymore. Because all I feel for you is the concern of a friend. The same way I would for, say, Norm or a dog.
Diane: You say that, but you know our passions always overcome our intentions. We say it's over, and yet we still end up in each other's arms, hugging, then kissing, perhaps lightly at first but then with open mouths hungry, probing tongues...
Sam: Go on, please.
Diane: I appreciate the offer, Sam, but I'm needed here, and I need to be here and I need to be needed here.

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