Carla: So, you get jobs for professional athletes to be in commercials, huh?
Lana: Yes. As a matter of fact, I specialize in male athletes.
Carla: [scoffs] Don't you know who you were just talking to? That's Sam Malone.
Tibor Svetkovic: Cute guy. Too bad he has dandruff.
Carla: He used to play with the Red Sox.
Lana: Really? Who does he play with now?
Carla: Whoa. You know, you give broads a good name.

Lana: I understand that you were an athlete. I'm sorry, I don't remember you.
Sam: Oh, that's all right. I was a relief pitcher before they became famous. I missed it by a year.
Lana: Tell me, have you done any acting?
Sam: Well, you know, yeah, I have. I had the lead in a school play. The one about the evil woman who pushes her husband into getting rid of people so he can have more and more power.
Lana: You mean Macbeth?
Sam: No, no, no. How Boots Fooled the King. Was that what Macbeth was about, too?
Diane: Tibor's looking better, isn't he?

Diane: Are you happy with your agent?
Sam: Oh, God!
Diane: Ah. The Dragon Lady. Tell me about it.
Sam: Why? You wanna hear me say you were right?
Diane: Of course not. Knowing that and knowing you know it and are tortured by it is plenty for this country girl. Oh, I'm sorry. I am sorry. I do wanna help. Come on, let's talk.
Sam: You wanna hear about my relationship with another woman?
Diane: Well, maybe... Maybe I should find a man out there who's intellectually capable of helping you. [opens door]
Cliff: [o.s.] All right, everybody line up for the ugliest tongue contest. Alphabetically by height, over here.
Diane: It appears that all the other intellectuals are busy today.

Coach: Sam, I don't understand what's going on here. Let me show you something. Come right down here. Just, please, come right down here. Stand right here, Sam. [drops his towel] Pick that up.
Sam: What do you want me to do that for?
Coach: Just pick it up.
[As Sam bends down to pick the towel up, Coach kicks him in the rear]
Sam: Ow.
Coach: [shouts] Now, get the hell out there and tell her you're finished with her.
Sam: Would you please tell him it's more complic-
Coach: [kicks Sam again] Out. Hustle, hustle, hustle.
Sam: What do you want me to do?
Coach: Hustle, hustle. I mean it.
Diane: That was wonderful. Coach, somehow, your instincts just told you...
Coach: Button it up, Diane. We got a lot of people out there. Move it.

Diane: May I ask you a question?
Lana: You want to know how he was?
Diane: [scoffs] What? You think I'm gonna stand here and listen to you tell me how good Sam was? Fair?
Lana: What do you wanna know?
Diane: I want to know how you can live with yourself.
Lana: I can't. That's why I like having young athletes around. I've always been crazy about them. You know, sometimes when I'm with one, I swear I can actually hear the crowd cheering.
Diane: You know, I could understand this behavior from an oversexed adolescent or something. But you're...
Lana: An older woman? Middle-aged? All the more reason to grab some youth. You know, there was a time in my life when men would invent tricks and schemes to get my attention. Well, now I'm the one who schemes a little to get theirs. That's not too unfair, is it? But don't be too concerned. Someday, even that won't work. Don't judge me until the bloom is off your rose, honey. Ta-ta. [exits]
Diane: She is good.

Coach: You know, Sam, this is my favorite time of day.
Sam: What's that, Coach? Closing time?
Coach: No. 1:37. I don't know. There's just something about it.
Sam: Yeah, I know what you mean. I suppose we've all got our favorite 1:37 story.
Coach: What's your favorite time of day, Sam?
Sam: Gee, I don't know. 8:15's nice.
Coach: Yeah. I used to like 8:5. I think I kinda grew out of it. [both exit]
Norm: Hey, wait a minute. Coach, Sammy. I don't want to be left alone locked up in this bar all ni... [sings] Quarter to three No one in the place except you and me [talks] Once in a while, a man needs a little time to himself.

Sam: So, Norm. What was Kennedy doing at the Copley?
Norm: Having lunch. I got his autograph.
Man: You disturbed him during his lunch?
Norm: No. [scoffs] God! I waited till he went to the men's room. [reads] Mart- Martie Broder? I got the wrong stall. I dunno.

Norm: Is this my lucky day, or what? First Teddy Kennedy now Tibor Svetkovic.
Cliff: Ah, you better memorize his shoes, Norm, you might want his autograph later.

Sam: Tibor, I see you play all the time. I'm Sam Malone.
Tibor Svetkovic: Your problem may be too much caffeine.
Sam: I'm sorry, what?
Lana: He's learning English from television commercials.
Sam: Ah.

Sam: Let me take care of you two here. Tibor. Miller Time?
Tibor Svetkovic: Ah, TV! Yes, sir.
Sam: What can I do for you?
Lana: What's your speciality?
Sam: Well, I do everything the same round here. Great.
Lana: Then why don't you surprise me?
Sam: It would be my pleasure.
Lana: Mine too, I hope.
Sam: I'll be right back.
Lana: I'll be right here.
Diane: She'll be here, he'll be back and I'll be sick.