Sam: Diane and I have been going together now, what, nine, ten months?
Diane: Four.
Sam: Uh. Whatever.
Becky: I'm really glad to see you have such a nice thing going, Sam. Although I must say I will miss the fun we used to have.
Sam: Well, I got something a lot better than fun. I got good solid pleasantness.
Diane: You're a real rush yourself.

Becky: I didn't mean to upset anyone.
Diane: Oh, Becky, yyou didn't. I've come to terms with Sam's past. Besides, I'm not the jealous type.
Becky: Well, Sam, I guess I'll be seeing you.
Sam: Yeah, good to see you again.
Becky: You, too.
Sam: Hey, why don't you let me walk you to your car? [Diane sprays Sam's crotch with the water hose] On second thoughts, I'll stand in the bar.

Coach: Have an accident, Sam, or are you just glad to see me? [laughs]
Sam: Both, Coach.

Sam: No, I think Cliff's right. If Norm got a job, he would have made it a big deal about it.
Diane: You know, yesterday I saw something very disturbing.
Carla: The price of peroxide went up?
Diane: I was born a blonde.

Sam: Hey, Norm, everything OK? Any luck finding a job?
Norm: Let's just drop it.
Coach: Here, Normie. You need a napkin there. Gee, Normie, look at your hands. They're all red and rough and wrinkled.
Norm: Hey, so's your brain, okay?
Cliff: Oh, Norm.
Norm: I'm sorry, Coach.
Coach: It's okay, Norm.
Norm: No, everybody, I'm sorry. I might as well come clean here.
All: Please!
Norm: I'm washing dishes up at Melville's. The unemployment ran out. I had to do something.

Norm: Dishwasher. I guess I've sunk about as low as an accountant can sink. I graduated 30th in my class. Now I spend my afternoons watching lettuce float.
Diane: Norman, I've got it. You're an accountant. You should be accounting. Sam, why don't you put Norman on as your accountant?
Cliff: Yeah, yeah.
Norm: That would be fabulous.
Sam: I already have an account.
Diane: Well, fire him and hire Norman.
Sam: Diane, can I speak to you over here?
Diane: Certainly.
Cliff: What's the matter, Sammy? Don't you think it's a good idea?
Sam: Oh, no, you bet. You bet. I just want to tell her in private how much I like it.
Diane: Ooh, sounds like Miss Chambers is going to get a buss on the cheek.
Carla: Let's hope it's going at least 80.

Sam: Listen, listen, listen. There are two areas of my life that I don't want anyone to touch. Now, I've already told you about one of them.
Diane: And I didn't.
Sam: No, I know. You've been very good about that. The other area is my business. Now, I worked very hard to get this bar and it's been a struggle to keep it. Now you've got me committed to turning my books over to a dishwasher.
Diane: He's not a dishwasher. He's an accountant and he's a friend.
Sam: Yeah, you're right, he's my friend. But how do I know he's a good accountant? He hasn't been hired for over a year. There must be some reason.
Diane: That just means he's highly motivated to do a good job. Besides, you only need to keep him on long enough to get his pride back.

Norm: Sammy, I don't want to put you on the spot here. I don't have to be your accountant. I can always just kill myself.
Cliff: Yeah, this man has options here, Sam.

Sam: I just hope he's not trying too hard to impress me.
Diane: Well, what if he is? You're helping him out. He appreciates that.
Sam: I just don't like taking chances with the IRS. I was very satisfied with my old accountant. Every year, I paid two, three grand in taxes. I'd pay them. There'd be no trouble. That's all I want from Norm. No chances. No risks.
Coach: Oh, Sam, you just worry too much. Normie's a great accountant.
Sam: How do you know?
Coach: Because my mother always used to say everybody has one thing they're great at.
Cliff: Yeah, right, and with Norm, we've eliminated everything but accountant and great white hunter.
Norm: Here we go, Sam.
Cliff: How'd it come out, Norm?
Norm: I'll let my return speak for itself.
Sam: I'm getting back $15,000?
Cliff: We make camp here, Bwana.

Man: Excuse me. Do you have a cigarette machine?
Carla: In the back room.
Man: Thank you, beautiful. [taps Carla's bottom]
Carla: What did you call me?
Man: Beautiful.
Carla: Sounded different the first time.
Man: Beautiful. [taps her bottom]
Carla: That was the word.