Norm: There's my boss man. How's it going, buddy?
Sam: Pretty good. Just waiting for that big tax refund.
Norm: You figured out what you are going to do with all that loot yet, pal?
Diane: Well, I think that some of it should go for something sheer, sexy and, yes, a little breathtaking, for the special someone in his life.
Sam: I think you're right. What are you an extra large, Norm?
Norm: In peignoirs, yes, but I can squeeze into a large teddy.

Diane: How many new clients do you have now beside Sam?
Norm: Just one other, but I've been hustling a little bit and I've got some nibbles. Which reminds me. Diane, here's your return.
Diane: Ooh, nice healthy refund.
Norm: I thought you'd like that. All those psychiatrist fees were deductible, Diane. All those sessions back in February, we're talking a gold mine here.
Diane: Shut up, Norman. I'm better. I'm better.
Diane: Oh, Sam.
Sam: February was kind of a rough month, wasn't it?

Coach: Sam, it was your accountant, Sy. He was saying-
Sam: Oh, Bell Day. Bell Day. [rings bell]
Coach: [speech drowned out by the bell ringing] And he said your tax returns are ready.

Norm: What the hell's going on here, Sam?
Sam: Oh, what do you mean, about Bell Day?
Norm: No, did you send in the return I prepared for you or not?
Sam: No, Norm, I didn't.
Norm: Why not?
Sam: Well, I probably should have told you this, I'm conservative when it comes to money.
Norm: Oh, just let me get this straight here. You don't trust me or my work. So you had somebody else do your taxes.
Sam: Hey, no, it's just- A $15,000 refund scared the hell out of me. I mean, I've never gotten any kind of refund before.
Norm: You know why? That accountant you have is a wimp, Sam. I went through those previous returns. The guy wouldn't know a deduction if he sat on it.

Carla: What are you trying to say, Sam, that Norm pulled a $15,000 boner?
Cliff: Yeah?
Sam: Come on, I was just trying to protect myself. Any one of you would have done the same thing, right? Oh, come on. You would and you know it. Hey, let's just drop this, all right? I didn't want Norm to do my taxes in the first place, remember? It just goes to show you you shouldn't do business with friends.
Carla: Then you're safe going into business with anybody in this room. [murmurs of agreement]

Norm: I mean, if you don't trust me as an accountant, you don't trust me as a friend.
Sam: Hey, stop right there. You need to separate business from friendship.
Norm: No, no, the only thing I have to separate is you from my life.
Sam: Hey, hey, come on. If I get into trouble with the IRS, I could go to jail and you know what happens to pretty boys in jail, huh? You know, your attitude is unprofessional.
Norm: Oh, now I'm unprofessional, is that it?
Sam: Yeah.

Norm: Sammy, I've just been through the roughest year of my life.
Sam: I know that.
Norm: The only thing that kept me going was a belief in myself and the hope that someday somebody else would say, "I believe in you, too, norm." I thought you'd be that guy for me, Sammy.
Sam: Oh, come on, that won't work. You're trying to lay a guilt trip on me, and I think that stinks. That stinks.
Norm: Okay, I'm going for good.
Sam: Hey, you better mean it, because I don't want you coming back in here tomorrow thinking this whole thing is going to blow over. Yeah, as a matter of fact, you go out that door, I don't want you back in my bar again. I mean it.
Norm: Oh, fine. You got it. Before I go, I gotta settle one thing with that man.
Diane: Norman, wait. Now, don't do anything silly. Please.
Cliff: Ah, Diane, you better stay out of this. It is part of the male ritual you don't know anything about.

Norm: Coming in, Malone!
Sam: Ok, Norm, how do you want to do this?
Norm: I don't want to go, Sam. [sobbing]
Sam: Oh, hey. Hey, come on. I didn't mean...
Norm: [wails] Aah!
Sam: Hey, hey, hey. Come on. Come on. Listen. Listen. We're not gonna get anywhere unless you start acting like an adult here, big fella. Come on. [indistinct] Whoa. Here. Here. Here.
Norm: This bar is all I have, Sam. You people are my family. You're my brother.
Sam: Oh, well, you're my brother, too, norm.
Norm: Oh, Sam...
Sam: Norm, hey, you're my accountant.
Norm: You mean it, Sam?
Sam: Right after this tax season.
Norm: I'll take it, but I don't want to beg.
Sam: No, no.

Diane: Well, this is such a beautiful moment seeing you two friends reconciled, I could almost cry.
Norm: [scoffs] Girls.
Sam: Yeah, boy.