Sam: Oh, Diane, will you do me a favor and run up and get some change from Melville's, please? What, what are you doing?
Diane: Lance is definitely taller than you are. For a while there, I thought you were taller, but I see why I was mistaken. Your shoulders are less broad, thus giving you the illusion of greater height. I promised not to bring up this Adonis-like creature, didn't l? Sorry.
Sam: No, no, hey, don't be sorry about a little fantasy. I mean, I'm not sorry about the fantasy I had a couple of hours ago. By the way, how many nurses do you think can fit in a standard-size hot tub?
Diane: Sam, I assure you, Lance is not a fantasy, and the feelings he inspires are very real, too.
Sam: Change.
Diane: Not for you or any man.
Sam: No, no, Diane. Change: Nickels, dimes, quarters.

Sam: Okay, all right, besides Robert Redford. I mean, some somebody you see in the city here. Who's the handsomest guy you see in the city?
Carla: Um, Dwight Evans.
Sam: No, not- not an athlete. Somebody that you see every day.
Carla: My butcher.
Sam: In this bar, Carla.
Carla: Well, uh...
Sam: Standing next to you, getting very angry.
Carla: Well, that would be you, Sam.
Sam: Well, why do you put me through this stuff?
Carla: Put you through what?

Norm: [enters] Evening, everybody.
All: Norm!
Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Zsa Zsa marries a millionaire. Peterson drinks a beer. Film at 11:00.

Frasier: [raspy] Evening, Sam.
Sam: Hey, Frasier. What's with your voice?
Frasier: Oh, I spent the afternoon screaming at a patient.
Sam: Oh. What, what kind of therapy is that?
Frasier: No, it's not therapy. He burned a hole in my carpet.

Frasier: Anyway how you doing, Sam, old man?
Sam: You know, Frasier, l, uh, I don't like that phrase "old man" anymore. Uh, I-I prefer "buddy."
Frasier: Oh, well, how you doing, Sam, old buddy? Look, is, uh, something bothering you?
Sam: Well, yeah. Diane's made up some guy who's supposed to be great-looking, just to get me riled. Only I could care less about the whole thing.
Frasier: Well, good for you, Sam. You know, the old Sam would've rambled on and on about how jealous he isn't, proving only that he really is.
Sam: Right. I mean, I could give a rat's rear what Diane does or who she does it with. And I certainly am not jealous about some college punk kid. And even if I were, which I'm not...
Frasier: [leaves his card] Call me at the office.

Sam: So, what time's Peewee coming in?
Diane: If you're referring to Lance, I'm expecting him shortl- soon. And I don't appreciate these constant attempts to denigrate him.
Sam: Let me ask you a question. What do you see in him?
Diane: [laughs] You mean besides a young, brainy, stunningly gorgeous man with many interests similar to mine who's fawning over me and giving me all the attention I could ever ask for?
Sam: Yeah.
Diane: I see what I used to see in you before you decided to spend the last few months flogging me with your apathy.
Sam: Well, I'm sorry, Diane, but that's all I had handy.

Diane: Mr. Malone, I'm about to call your bluff. I'm going to go with him, and I'm going to have a great time, and it will leave you a hollow, broken man. [Sam mockingly yawns] All right. All right. Just watch while I give you a little preview of our weekend together. I'm going to kiss him in front of you and the whole bar, and it's going to kill you. Lance, this is for the flowers. [kisses Lance] [returns to Sam] Now, Mr. Indifference, are you going to tell me that doesn't bother you?
Sam: Well, I have to admit for a while there, my life passed before my eyes... but the funny thing is you weren't in it.
Diane: Right. Lance, let's go.
Sam: Diane?
Diane: Yes, Sam?
Sam: It would've bothered me if he had done this. [kisses Diane]
Diane: Yes, I can see where that might have given you cause for concern.
Lance Apollonaire: [clears throat] Uh, so, Diane, are you about ready to go?
Diane: Uh...
Sam: Lance.
Diane: Thank you.

Cliff: Hey, look, uh, listen, you guys. The best part is that, uh, you know, now that I'm a member, I can get all you guys in. Huh? You know, of course it's gonna have to be one at a time. Now, uh, I figured out a fair way to do the choosing, okay? Now I'm thinking of a number between one and ten. Whoever has the closest wins. Uh, Norm, you first.
Norm: Two million and 12.
Sam: Two million 13.
Woody: Two million 14.
Cliff: Well, the number was four. Norm's closest with two million 12.
Woody: Darn! I was gonna say four. I shoulda stuck with my first instinct.

Diane: [sighs] [sighs]
Sam: Are you developing a slow leak, Diane?
Diane: No. I have a problem. I just don't know who to talk to.

Diane: The problem is that he's very persistent and with his beauty and youthful ardor, I find myself inexplicably drawn to him. He's asked me out several times. Now, I don't want to encourage him, but on the other hand, I'm tempted. What do you think I should do, Sam?
Sam: I'm sorry. I got sidetracked there. I was looking at my foot.