Woody: Hi, Mr. Krapence.
Paul: Hiya, Woody. Where's, uh, Norm and Cliff?
Woody: Uh, I guess they're at work. I don't know.
Paul: You got a cute sense of humor, Woody. I like that.

Paul: What am l, everybody's punching bag?
Woody: Oh, come on, lighten up, Mr. Krapence. Hey, you want to hear a funny joke that Mr. Clavin told me the other day?
Paul: Sure. What the hell.
Woody: All right. [laughs] Okay. What's round, looks like an owl, wears glasses and goofy orange suspenders? [laughs]
Paul: I don't know. What?
Woody: [looks at Paul] ... Nothing.

Norm: You'd think they'd have a little more respect. Some of us are trying to drink our beer here.
Cliff: What, uh, kind of puts you off your beer, does it?
Norm: Well, no, not really. It'd take a lot more to do that.
Cliff: Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, what, uh... What- What would it take?
Norm: I don't know.
Cliff: How about a plate of meatloaf with an abscess on it?
Norm: [laugh] No.
Cliff: Uh, and how about a, uh, bowl full of scabs? [Norm shakes his head] All right. Well, how about a... [whispers in Norm's ear]?
Norm: Oh, my God. That's disgusting. Where do you come up with that stuff?
Cliff: Hey... yeah.
Norm: Yuck. [both drink] But it wasn't enough.

Rebecca: According to the books that I've been reading, I should definitely be pregnant by now. I think maybe we're going to have to see a fertility specialist.
Sam: A what?
Rebecca: A fertility specialist. I asked my doctor to recommend one, and he gave me this card.
Sam: No way. No. No, no, no, no, no. We- We're not seeing any doctors.
Rebecca: But, Sam, it's not working. I think that it's time that we have to face the possibility that there's something wrong with you.
Sam: You... You know why we're not conceiving? You're too mean to me.
Rebecca: No, I'm not mean. I'm perfectly nice. I just think you're shooting blanks, pal.
Sam: See, there you go again. That's mean.
Rebecca: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Maybe that is. Maybe I've been pushing too hard. It's just that... God, I want this baby so bad that every time I find out I'm not pregnant, I just go crazy. Let's not talk about it anymore, okay? Here, just, take the card, and if you want to call the doctor, that's fine. And if you don't, that's fine, too. I mean it. I'm really sorry. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was hurt you.
Sam: Thank you. I can't make this call.
Rebecca: Your fingers don't work, either?

Receptionist: Do you have an appointment?
Sam: No. No. Uh... I was just, uh, in the building. I thought I'd stop by and say hi.
Receptionist: Hi.
Sam: [chuckles] Actually, l- l'm here for a cleaning.
Receptionist: This is a fertility clinic. What, precisely, would you like us to clean?
Sam: Oh, this this is embarrassing. I'm sorry. I thought this was a dentist.

Sam: You know something, though, you know, uh... While I'm here, you know, I have... l have this friend who's got a problem, and maybe you could do him a favor, and- and write him a note, huh?
Receptionist: Saying what?
Sam: Oh, it doesn't really matter. Just, uh, well you know, uh, "To whom it may concern"... Uh, "Sam Malone," that- that's my friend, uh... "Sam Malone has a very, very high sperm count. Go ahead and have plenty of sex with him." Maybe, you know, sign it down here at the bottom. If you want to, you know, put that into, uh, medical terms, that'd be cool.
Receptionist: I can't do that.
Sam: There's 30 bucks in it for you if you do.
Receptionist: You're Sam Malone, aren't you?
Sam: Yeah. How'd you know?
Receptionist: Believe me, this happens all the time. The doctor has an opening. Would you like to see him?
Sam: Yeah. All right. Yeah. Whatever. Listen, uh... You really don't use a machine, do you?

Rebecca: According to the tests, the doctor says that I am as fertile as an lowa cornfield. Fully stocked ovaries, fallopian tubes like fire hoses.
Carla: How you doing, Norm?
Norm: Still drinking.

Frasier: Say, Woody, how about you? What can I give you?
Woody: Oh, well, uh you know those sweaters like that one with the big leaves on them?
Frasier: Yes.
Woody: Anything but those.

Cliff: Yeah, we were just talking, uh... We'd like to, you know, apologize for, you know, leaving you out of things and, well, you know, that kind of stuff.
Norm: Yeah. You know, after all, you've only been coming here, what, you know, a few weeks?
Paul: Ten years. I've been coming here ten years.
Norm: Whatever. Whatever.
Cliff: Anyway, uh... We just feel like we want to... Oh, thanks, Woody. Just feel like we want to make it up to you.
Norm: What we're going to do, Paul, we're going to buy you a free beer.
Cliff: Yeah! Woody, right to the brim for Uncle Paul, huh?
Norm: There you go.
Paul: Wow. I... I can't believe this, you know? Thanks, guys. It's a really nice thing to do. Really made me feel special.
Cliff: Don't mention it, Paul.
Norm: Yep.
Paul: You guys ate my cake, didn't you?
Cliff: Yes, we did, Paul.

Carla: Sammy, what took you so long?
Rebecca: I decided to hang around and wait for the lab report. When I finally got it, I was afraid to look at it. I've been walking around the Common hoping someone would mug me and steal it.
Carla: Yeah. Well, those things are really hot. I carry a sign in my car: "Driver has no lab results."