Lilith: All right, Frasier, let's move on to the living will. Imagine you've been hideously mangled and are being kept alive by a respirator. Factoring in the enormous expense, the uncertainty, the heartbreak, do you really want to be kept alive artificially, or can I pull the plug when the nurse ducks out for a cigarette?
Frasier: By all means, pull the plug. Smother me with the pillow. Save time, woman. Why don't you do it tonight while I'm asleep?!
Lilith: Well, I guess I can't talk to him about anything.

Lilith: Frasier, focus. If we're going to make a will, we have to get these questions worked out.
Frasier: I just don't want to talk about my death.
Lilith: And/or dismemberment.
Frasier: You know, I don't see us lingering over the question of your death.
Lilith: Well, that's because, statistically-speaking, I'll outlive you.
Frasier: Well, I'll just bet you're looking forward to that, being the "Widder Crane."
Lilith: Frasier, really.

Frasier: Here. The will is signed and witnessed. I hope you're happy, woman. I wash my hands of the entire affair. I want that thing sealed up and put into a vault until...
Lilith: Until you're sealed and put in a vault?
Frasier: I am just your ball of yarn today, aren't l?

Frasier: I've also given my executor the right to dispose of a few personal effects. A few things which might give solace to those who cared about me. Carla, what would you like me to leave you?
Carla: How about a tip, for a change?

Paul: Uh, I bet you Norm and Cliff are doing something really fun. Those guys never include me in anything. What is it about me that's such a turnoff?
Carla: Normally, Paul, with a setup like that, I'd go for blood, but I can tell you're a little hurt and a little upset, so I'm gonna go easy on you. It's your looks.

Sam: The whole idea that I have a problem is just ridiculous.
Carla: Oh, yeah? You've been with thousands of women over the years, right?
Sam: Yeah. Right.
Carla: Well, how many cards do you get on Father's Day?
Sam: Well, you know... that doesn't mean anything.
Carla: Sammy, sooner or later, you're gonna have to face the possibility that, whether you like it or not, you might just possibly have a low sperm count.
Sam: You're fired. Get out of here. Go on, right now. You're fired.
Carla: Don't turn on me. I'm not the one with the problem.
Sam: I do not have a problem! I have just as much firepower as the next guy, I'll tell you. You think I'm afraid to go to that doctor, don't you? Well, watch this. I'm gonna go to that stupid fertility doctor. You know, I bet my fertility just soars right off the map. I'll bet I break their stupid machine. Oh, y- you don't think they use a machine, do you?

Cliff: Hey, everybody.
Paul: Welcome back. May I inquire as to exactly where the hell you've been?
Norm: Vera?
Paul: You know, I'm sick of the way you guys treat me. You waltz off God knows where, and you leave me here with nobody - and I mean nobody - to talk to.
Phil: Hey, I love you, too, Paul.

Cliff: He's trying awfully hard to fit in, huh? A little too hard if you ask me. All he does is sit there whimpering and whining, feeling sorry for himself saying, "Include me. Include me. Include me." You know, that stuff doesn't work.
Norm: Well, it worked for you, Cliff.
Cliff: The point is, it's not going to work twice.

Norm: Anyway, Paul's not here.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, no, I know. l, uh, I called him at home, and I told him to get down here as soon as he can. He said he was just getting out of the tub and he was toweling himself off.
[Norm puts his beer down and slides it away from himself]
Carla: We have a winner!

Carla: Why don't you go ahead and look at it? Might be good news.
Sam: Yeah, it might be bad news.
Carla: It might be good news.
Sam: But what if it's not?
Carla: Well, you're not going to know unless you open it.
Sam: I can't. You open it.
Carla: Oh, I couldn't do that. I mean, l couldn't bear to tell you if it was bad news.
Sam: But what if it's good news?
Carla: What if it's bad news?
Sam: You know, this could turn out to be the worst night of my life or the best. And the the only difference is a few lousy words on a piece of paper. Oh, God, you know, this is the rest of my life we're talking about here. I mean, I- I may have a kid to play baseball with. Or I may not. You know, I may have someone to carry on my name, or I may not. Oh, geez! Boy, it's amazing, you know, how much power a little piece of paper can have. You know, maybe this is just one of those things that people should not know.