Frasier: All right. Gather around, everyone. I am going to right a horrible wrong. I am going to read to you Dickens' classic, A Tale of Two Cities, and you will see just how much fun great literature can be. [all groaning] "Book the First. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
Norm: Hey, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Which was it?
Frasier: Just stay tuned, Norm.
Norm: "It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity."
Cliff: Boy, this Dickens guy really liked to keep his butt covered, didn't he?
Frasier: "There was a king with a large jaw, and a queen with a plain face, on the throne of England." [the guys turn around] "And... and..." "...and there was a bloodthirsty clown, who beckoned innocent children into the sewer, and swallowed them whole."
Cliff: Ah! That's a neat trick.

Frasier: You know, at the risk of sounding insensitive, I'm... I'm glad she's getting out of here. Her walking around in that wedding dress was just a tad too "Miss Havisham" for me.
Sam: Who?
Frasier: Miss Havisham. Famous character from Charles Dickens' Great Expectations. Spends the entire novel walking around in her wedding dress.
Norm: What?!
Frasier: Yes. Well, surely you know it. It's Great Expectations. Pip? Miss Havisham? Magwich? And, uh... And four pizza-loving turtles who practice martial arts in the sewer.
Norm: Oh, cowabunga, dudes!
Cliff: You know, there's a lot of people don't realize that that was a comic book first.

Sam: [on the phone] What are you doing? Where are you going?
Rebecca: I'm- l'm going home to San Diego, Sam. I want to try and forget Boston. I want to erase the last three years of my life.
Sam: It's been five, Rebecca.
Rebecca: [sobs] Has it been that long?

Frasier: As we recall from Monday's installment of A Tale of Two Cities, Sydney Carton was about to go to the guillotine and sacrifice himself.
Norm: The guillotine, slice that neck. [Cliff laughs]
Frasier: "When suddenly, an Apache attack chopper hovered above the guillotine, pumping hot lead into the crowd."
Cliff: Get them Frogs, huh?
Frasier: "As Darnay climbed into the chopper, sweat streaming from his bloodstained headband, he could be heard to mutter, 'It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done. It is a far, far better butt-kicking I give than I have ever butt-kicked.'"
Norm: All right. Whoa! What a book, huh?
Cliff: Yeah, that was great, great, Fras. What, uh, what are you going to read to us next?
Frasier: Well, I was thinking about, uh, David Copperfield.
Cliff: What's that about?
Frasier: Well, it's about these, uh two coppers, and this field, um... And they're found dismembered with their body parts switched.
Carla: Man! Man, that Dickens is one sick dude.

Sam: Okay! I've got the tool box here. I'm gonna get Rebecca out of that office right now. Rebecca! I've got a screwdriver here! I'm gonna take that doorknob off and I'm gonna open the door here. Rebecca, I got a Phillips head by mistake, but I'm gonna... I'm putting that down and I'm picking up a flathead, and then I'm gonna take that doorknob off. Rebecca, I don't have a flathead, but I have one of those putty things and I'm gonna put it... Damn! Okay, Rebecca, I just punctured my thumb with that, uh... putty thing and I'm gonna go get a tetanus shot, then I'm coming back here and taking that doorknob off.
Rebecca: [comes out] Here's a Band-Aid.

Norm: Have a seat. Come on.
Rebecca: Thank you. [sits on Norm's stool] Wow. I've never sat here before. Here I am, sitting on this stool, knowing my life is a mess. I have no future, and I'm a totally hopeless failure.
Norm: Yeah. Try it with beer nuts.
Rebecca: It is all my fault. I mean, I got what I deserve. And now I'm alone. I... I have nothing and I'm just a, you know, worthless, shallow person.
Norm: I'm telling you, try it with the beer nuts.
Frasier: Rebecca I realize you haven't sought my professional advice, but I think it's time to get some perspective. Take a look at yourself, splash some water on your face and get a fresh start.
Rebecca: I'd like to, Frasier, but I seem to have lost the will to move. I just want to sit here for the rest of my life.
Norm: Geez, maybe it's the stool.

Woody: Dr. Crane, when are you going to read us some more Dickens?
Guys: [chanting] Dickens, Dickens, Dickens.
Lilith: Oh, well. Frasier, I'm impressed. It seems your experiment in cultural enrichment has been a success.
Norm: Yep. We're waiting for Oliver Twist: The Wrath of Fagin.
Lilith: Excuse me?
Frasier: Darling, I've done some things the past few weeks I'm not very proud of. Just leave it alone.

Sam: Oh, ow. That hurt.
Carla: Sammy, look at you. Your nose is bleeding. Your eye is starting to swell. And you just kissed a man. But you're not a wussy little fraidy cat.
Norm: You ain't afraid.
Cliff: No, not Sammy.
Norm: Good boy. Good, Sam.
Frasier: You know, in the space of the last 30 seconds, we have witnessed deceit, sexual turmoil and sudden, senseless violence. It puts me in mind of a passage from The Pickwick Papers.

Woody: Come on, Miss Howe.
Rebecca: Woody have you ever had your whole life cave in on you all of a sudden?
Woody: No, but I have had a cave cave in on me all of a sudden.

Lilith: And in what sophomoric activity are you gentlemen involved now?
Cliff: Our first annual tricks with digits exhibition!
Frasier: Of all the pointless wastes of human energy.
Lilith: Frasier's right. You could sit here until the end of time doing your silly little finger tricks, but none of you will ever be able to top this. [Lilith puts her fist in her mouth]
Woody: Wow, she's right.
Cliff: The king is dead. Long live the queen!
Norm: Yes and she's writing! She's going for bonus points.
Cliff: What's it say?
Frasier: "My fist is stuck. Call 911." Come on, hon. You know, this happens to her more often than you'd think.