Diane: How was the Pequod, Sam?
Sam: Pequod? Oh, yeah. Great.
Diane: Was it everything you remembered it to be?
Sam: Come on, Diane, why torment yourself?
Diane: So you really went, huh?
Sam: Of course I did.
Diane: Did you enjoy the fruit basket that Frasier and I sent to your room?
Sam: Fruit basket?
Diane: Yes, the fruit basket.
Sam: The fruit basket?
Diane: The fruit basket.
Sam: Yeah, OK, we loved the fruit basket.
Diane: We didn't send a fruit basket.
Sam: Damn! I knew it.
Diane: Sam, your heart wouldn't let you go to that place with another woman. I find that very sweet.

Diane: Carla, if you felt this way, why on earth did you give that child away?
Carla: Because I could never say no to that man. You know, I never even wanted to go out with him in the first place. He won me over. I didn't wanna go to bed with him. He won me over. I didn't wanna marry him. I didn't wanna have five kids. Our whole history is me saying no and him winning me over. Like the other day in there? He held my hand. And he got real close to me, and then he batted those eyelashes at me. And he said, "Carla, you know why I want that kid? Cos he is a part of you. He's the only part of you I have."
Diane: Nick said that?
Carla: Let's not even discuss it. It's over, the kid is his. He's coming by today to have me sign the papers.
Sam: Dammit, Carla. If you don't wanna sign, don't sign. I mean, stand up to the guy.
Carla: Well, of course I'm going resist. But if I happen to alone with him for a second, I'll melt.
Diane: Then there's one simple solution, we shan't let you alone with him. Right, everyone?
All: We shan't!

Diane: Okay, Carla's in there facing the greatest crisis of her life. I want everybody to be quiet for a moment, close your eyes and send her your most positive mental energy.
Coach: Good idea.
Sam: Guess it can't hurt.
Diane: Okay, now, come on, everyone. This is important. One, two, three.
[As everyone closes their eyes, Norm senses an opportunity and leans over the bar with his empty glass]
Sam: Norman!

Carla: Wait a minute, do that again.
Nick Tortelli: Can't get enough of it, huh? [kisses Carla]
Carla: Nothing.
Nick Tortelli: Nothing?
Carla: Zero! [Nick kisses her once more] You should have stopped at your dumb look.
Nick Tortelli: What are you talking about?
Carla: I'm talking about this! [screws up the paper]
Nick Tortelli: Wow, I'm impressed. I didn't think you had it in you. This is the first time you stood up to me. You resisted my charms. You win.
Carla: Hey, hey, wait a minute, there. I know better than that. Your heart wasn't in it. You know how much that kid meant to me.
Nick Tortelli: What are you talking about? I did my best. Maybe I don't have it any more.
Carla: You have more of it now than you ever did. You just went easy on me.
Nick Tortelli: I busted a gut!
Carla: Nick. You went easy on me, didn't you?
Nick Tortelli: Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. [tosses Carla the paper]
Carla: Well, if you did, thanks. [kisses him on the cheek] And if you didn't... [bounces the paper of Nick's forehead]
Nick Tortelli: Take care.

Diane: Sam, please. Go, have a good time. Just don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Sam: Gee, I'm afraid I've lost that list.
Nick Tortelli: [enters] Hey, I remember you. You're that blonde waitress.
Diane: And you're Carla's incredibly loathsome ex-husband.
Nick Tortelli: How do you like that, we both stuck in each other's minds.

Tom: Actually, Carla, there's a good chance he could get custody, if he can prove you're an unfit mother.
Nick Tortelli: Thank you, Counsellor. And who do you think they're gonna pick? Me, a sincere, hard-working family man? Or you, a hard-up waitress, who leaves her kids night after night to come to a sleazy bar?
Sam: Hey, hey, watch it.
Coach: Yeah, she's off Thursday nights.
Nick Tortelli: I can also prove that you consort with men of questionable character.
Carla: What are you talking about? You got the morals of a sewer rat.
Nick Tortelli: Not to worry. If you knew your law, you would have read up on a thing in the Bill of Rights called the double standard.
Coach: Yeah, watch the bureaucrats take that away from us, too.
Carla: You're bluffing. Court costs money, you know. And unless the TV repair has increased dramatically, you make diddle.
Nick Tortelli: You know, every time you open your mouth, you show your ignorance. It so happens, that the Tortelli Television Hospital has just come off a record-breaking quarter. I want to tell you how good we're doing, I got ten men working under me, and two of them is American.

Sam: Anyway, listen, I'll make sure they don't put me in the same room at the Pequod.
Diane: I could care less. Room number 12.
Sam: Hey, you know, that was a great room, 12. Remember when that nor'easter blew through, and we had to stay inside by that big old fireplace?
Diane: Yeah. We listened to the wind lashing against the panes, the rain on the roof.
Sam: Huddled under that big comforter. I never felt safer.
Coach: Me neither.
Sam: You weren't there, Coach.
Coach: Oh, I thought you meant now.

Nick Tortelli: Sit down. You want anything?
Loretta: Thank you. I'll have a Coke.
Nick Tortelli: Be sophisticated. We're in a bar.
Loretta: Coca Cola.
Nick Tortelli: No, no. Order some kind of drink.
Loretta: I'd like something in a coconut.
Nick Tortelli: You're something in a coconut. Two Scotches.

Sam: Hey, Nick, this is a surprise.
Nick Tortelli: How you doing, Sam? You dumped Carla by now, right?
Sam: Well, we're no longer going together, but Carla dumped me.
Nick Tortelli: She dumped you? Sam, you boggle me.
Sam: Well, wait a second. I did dump that blonde waitress there.

Nick Tortelli: I came because I want a kid.
Carla: Shouldn't you be baking your biscuits in blondie's oven now?
Nick Tortelli: I'm talking about one of ours. I'm talking about the fruit of my loins.
Sam: Uh, would you guys like to step into my office so you can have a little privacy?
Carla: No.
Sam: Please.