Carla: What's this about, huh?
Nick Tortelli: As you know, I'm now married to the goddess - compared to you - Loretta. She's physically unable to have any kids and this is breaking her heart. And plus, I don't want anybody thinking I'm not doing my job. I figured I'd just take one of our old ones.
Carla: You want me to give you and that twinkie one of my children?
Nick Tortelli: Product of my seed.
Sam: Hey, hey. Please, please.
Carla: Look, Nick, this is outrageous, even for you.
Nick Tortelli: What's the big deal? You got five.

Diane: Carla, don't let this recidivist strong-arm you. There is no bond greater than that of mother and child. He's talking of your babies. The issue of your womb.
Sam: Ugh, would anyone mind if I went into my office?

Loretta: Nick, come on, we're gonna be late for that Menudo concert.
Nick Tortelli: Oh, yeah, Menudo. I won the tickets on the radio. What is it, anyway?
Carla: Go to your concert. You ain't getting no kid of mine.
Nick Tortelli: I know how to cut this short. Carla, I wanna talk to you alone.
Carla: Oh, no, no. Forget about it. I got nothing I wanna talk to you about alone.
Nick Tortelli: Just a little chat, Carla. Between you and l. [places his hand on her arm] Private matters.
Carla: Well... OK. Sam, can we use your office?
Sam: Why? What secrets could you possibly have left? No, no, don't answer that. Use my office.

Coach: Gee, Sam, Carla looked awful nervous going in there.
Loretta: Who wouldn't be? Whenever Nick gets a woman alone, he can wrap them around his little finger.
Diane: Well, Carla's a pretty tough little nut. I think it'll take more persuasion than Nick can muster to break the primordial bond between a mother and her first-born offspring.
Nick Tortelli: [emerges from Sam's office] Mommy! The kid is ours!
Loretta: Daddy!
Nick Tortelli: We're a family now. Let's go stuff our faces till we get sick.
Loretta: Sounds good.
Carla: [comes out of Sam's office] What are you all looking at? You never seen a jellyfish before?

Coach: Hi, Carla.
Carla: Isn't it a great day? You know, as I got up this morning, and I was feeding my four - count them - four kids, I said to myself, "Carla, you are so lucky." I mean, think of all those poor, miserable human beings who have five or more kids. "Instead of just four like me."
Norm: Carla, you don't even miss this kid at all?
Carla: You kidding? I can't even remember his name.
Coach: Anthony.
Carla: [sobs] My baby!
Coach: The one time I remember something!

Nick Tortelli: Let's get this signed and over with!
Sam: Carla, don't you have something you wanna tell Nick?
Carla: Uh... Yeah. Yeah. Yes, there is. I am not signing that paper. You can't have Anthony. I don't care what you say. I don't care what the courts say. I want my kid back.
Diane: Yes! [applause]

Loretta: Nick, I thought you said Carla didn't give a hoot for the kids.
Nick Tortelli: There's a new development.
Loretta: I can't do this.
Nick Tortelli: What can't you do? What do you have to do?
Loretta: I just realized that Carla and I are both women. And I can't do this to her. I can't be a party to child stealing.
Nick Tortelli: What, are you crazy? The kid's as much mine as hers.
Loretta: I'm sorry. I refuse. I've got to put my foot down about something. And when I make up my mind, that's my final decision.
Nick Tortelli: While you're thinking about it, why don't you and I go into Sam's office and have a private talk?
Loretta: I don't think that's going to work this time, Nick.
Nick Tortelli: Please? [places his hand on Loretta's arm]
Loretta: Well... OK. But it's a waste of time.
Nick Tortelli: We'll be right back.
Loretta: Nicky, You can keep talking and talking until you're blue in the face, but it's not gonna change my mind, you're not gonna... [they momentarily disappear behind the door of Sam's office] Carla, sign the paper.
Diane: What is this?
Sam: Boy, you know even a shot of vitamin Sammy doesn't work that fast.

Nick Tortelli: Carla, sign the paper.
Carla: I won't.
Nick Tortelli: Sign it!
Carla: No.
Sam: Hang tough, Carla.
Nick Tortelli: Carla, how about you and I, we go into Sam's office and have a private talk? [places his hand on Carla's arm]
Diane: Don't do it, Carla.
Coach: Carla, stay out here with us.
Carla: No, I have to go in there with him. If I can stand up to him this one time, I can break his spell. And I think I can do it.
Sam: No, you gotta know you can do it.
Carla: I think I can do it.

Nick Tortelli: Come on, Carla, don't be so cold. I'm a lonely guy.
Carla: You're not lonely. You're disgusting.
Nick Tortelli: Fine, just hear me out on this. Anthony is the product of our love.
Carla: None of that, either. I've had enough of your sweet talk to last me my whole life. I don't wanna hear that stuff, Nick.
Nick Tortelli: All right. Fine. No more sweet talk, no more touching.
Carla: Right.
Nick Tortelli: How about I just... [looks at Carla]
Carla: Stop it, Nick. Don't give me the look. No, not the look!
Nick Tortelli: [sings] Call me... irresponsible
Carla: Oh, and the song! The look and the song!
Nick Tortelli: Call me unreliable... [Nick kisses Carla] I'll get the pen.

Carla: Hey, everybody! I got my kid back! [applause]
Nick Tortelli: Come on, Loretta.
Loretta: Congratulations, Carla. What's your secret?
Nick Tortelli: She knows when to shut up.
Loretta: When?
Nick Tortelli: Now.
Loretta: Oh.