Tobias: I'm his bastard father. This is my bastard son, Murphybrown.
Michael: Murphy? And his last name is Brown?
Tobias: No. Murphybrown is his first name. His last name is uh... Well, now it's Fünke.
Murphybrown: Oh, that's how you say it.
Tobias: Yes. He's named after a famous private investigator who worked for the Chicago Sun-Times and then for the Washington Post.
Michael: I believe it is a character from TV that was played by Candice Bergen.
Murphybrown: Mm.
Tobias: Well, that is a coincidence. [laughs] Uh, now I have two things to be embarrassed about. The second being keeping this a secret for so long. And I feel like I should apologize to maybe half the people in this room, but maybe most of all... Mother Bluth, because bringing my son back into our family clearly drove Lindsay away.

George Sr.: Michael, we don't have Buster. We would never make you worry. We love you. That's why we got rid of your $700,000 debt.
Michael: Hang on. What are you talking about? I thought that was Lucille 2. You forgave the debt?
George Sr.: Of course we did. I mean, well, no, technically, we forgot the debt. We can forget it, but we can never forgive it. We need the write-off.

Narrator: And back at the ceremony, Lucille had taken the podium to deliver a speech her daughter thought she had failed to write.
Lucille: "As grateful as I am to be with my family today, I want to make special mention of my only daughter, who thinks I didn't write a speech. This young woman has had to show enormous strength, and not just to endure having me as a mother. [crowd laughs] But she's the one we honor today, a woman I should have honored long ago, because I've got a daughter who has many faces, and all of them are beautiful."
Maeby: She stole my speech.
Lucille: Maybe you can show the world the smile I love so much.
Maeby: That doesn't make sense without meth teeth!
Narrator: But it made sense to Lindsay.
Lindsay: I've been wanting to hear that since I was a little girl. I didn't think I would.
Lucille: Well, now you have.
Lindsay: God, it was my dream. What a waste of a dream. It's nothing. [stammering] I can see that now. I think I'm gonna go now. Find out who my real family is.

Buster: So, Mom wouldn't come in, huh?
Michael: How'd you know she was here?
Buster: I can smell her on you.
Michael: Ah. Right. I forgot, you're good at that. I remember that time she changed her perfume and she lost you at the park.
Buster: [laughing] Yeah. That never happened. It was at Nordstrom's, and Mother was ambushed by the Charlie girl.
Michael: Yes. And we found you in the break room with the Chanel man.
Buster: He should never have lost his job for that.
Michael: What happened?
Buster: He was just giving me a Fanta! I know I should've spoken up for him, but I was only a boy. I was barely out of my teens.

Barry: [on the phone] I'm here.
Michael: At the prison? You're at the prison?
Barry: Yeah. And I'm not making a lot of friends, either. I mean, the guards hate me, 'cause what the hell is a defense attorney doing here? And the inmates hate me, 'cause what the hell is a defense attorney doing in the shower?
Michael: What are you doing in there, Barry?
Barry: Legally, it's the only place they can't record you when you talk to inmates.
Michael: I don't think that's true.
Barry: Really? I got the worst [bleep] clients.

Rebel: How did you find out I was back?
George Michael: Thought I'd get lucky. Well, you'd get lucky. I'm sure that strikes you as inconsiderate-- I got it. Thank you so much.
Rebel: Oh, he's my hero.
George Michael: Well, I hope he's not expecting a tip.
Driver: They instruct us not to ask.
Rebel: I don't have any cash.
Narrator: George Michael decided to split the difference.
George Michael: Just take it. Jerk. Kidding. Sorry. Thank you. Beat it. Nice guy. Tough job.
Rebel: What?
George Michael: Tough guy. Thinks he's a tough guy. But he does a nice job. As do these sex toys I caddishly brought you.

Maeby: [on the phone] Hi, this is Maeby Fünke, for the Lindsay Bluth campaign. Where are my meth teeth? It's been over two hours.

Gob: Nobody's seen the stand since Cinco. Kids probably threw it in the water-
Narrator: Which was bad news for Tobias...
Tobias: Well, you certainly can't have a family-friendly banana stand award without a man dressed- What?
Narrator: ...who had finally found a way to slip into the family.
Tobias: I'm out. I know. I get it. I feel like a [bleep] moron.

Gob: Dad. You were always there for me. You were always there for me. And, man, we've had fun together. How about that Mexico trip? Things we'll remember: 'always horny' shirts, eating chips in the car, 'Shut up, Gob!' And almost making love to some roadside bushes. [chuckling] 'Shh. Don't tell Mom!'" What? [man coughing] Remember how our Winnebago got demolished by that train? So many memories. So that's why all you have to do is look at me, and you'll realize that you've done something great in this life. [clears throat] You are the golden anchor of this family, the man who not only left his mark on Newport with the great banana stand... up. Good habit. Standing is... Yep. You always leave your mark everywhere you sit. So I give you the biggest anchor of gold in the world. I only wish it were real gold so that you wouldn't have 30 years of hard work ahead of you. Thirty years!
Narrator: What a horrible speech.
George Sr.: Oh, my gosh. [chuckling] Uh, thank you. I, uh... Oh, wow, it's heavy. I haven't... This, uh, well... Let 'em try to take this away from me, huh?
Gob: They'll have to pry it out of your cold, dead hands.

Lucille: Oh, you're not wearing that. You're running to fill a House seat, not a sofa.
Lindsay: You know, I'm starting to worry you're not even capable of saying something nice about me in your speech.
Lucille: Lindsay, saying nice things about you is easy.
Lindsay: Oh, Mom.
Lucille: The hard part is not sounding sarcastic. Oh, now, seriously, go change. That outfit shouldn't even come in that size.
Lindsay: [covers herself with a sheet] How about this, Mom? Nothing to criticize now. Happy? Come on, let me hear one of your crinkly smiles.
Lucille: At least it fits.